AITA for telling my immigrant mother in law to stop putting eyeliner on my babies eyes?

Jonathan Hours
Comments 0 Comments

In a bustling multigenerational home, the soft coos of twin babies mingle with the hum of cultural traditions. A young mother, navigating life with her Indian in-laws, faces a clash over a ritual: her mother-in-law’s insistence on applying kohl—a mix of soot and ghee—to her twins’ eyes to ward off the evil eye. Protective instincts flare as she and her husband push back, worried about their babies’ delicate eyes, only to ignite accusations of “white-washing” their heritage.

When the mother-in-law secretly applies the kohl, sparking fussing babies and fiery words, the family teeters on a cultural tightrope. Is this a stand for safety or a dismissal of tradition? This tale dives into the heart of cross-cultural family life, where love, heritage, and health collide.

‘AITA for telling my immigrant mother in law to stop putting eyeliner on my babies eyes?’

Living with in-laws brings warmth and challenges, especially when traditions clash with parental instincts. Here’s the mother’s story, straight from Reddit:

My MIL is an immigrant from India, there is an eyeliner from back home that has religious / cultural connotations. Basically it’s soot and ghee (like butter..) mixed together and it forms a black paste that’s applied to the eyes of babies especially to ward off the evil eye.

Because of culture etc I live with my in laws and she keeps wanting to put this eyeliner on my babies eyes (twins) I keep telling her I’m not happy with it, I don’t want foreign matter in my poor babies eyes. My husband is also vehemently against this and he caught his mom doing it when I was at work.

He told her off and told her she was s**tty because the babies were understandably fussing at the product in their eyes. She is accusing me of ‘white washing’ him and that I’m being a disrespectful daughter in law but I’m just trying to protect my kids.

A grandmother’s love, steeped in tradition, meets a mother’s fierce protection in this cultural standoff. The mother and her husband prioritize their twins’ safety, wary of kohl’s risks near delicate eyes, while the mother-in-law sees it as a vital ritual. Her secret application, despite their objections, breaches trust, and her “white-washing” jab reveals deeper cultural tensions.

This reflects a common challenge in multicultural families: balancing respect for heritage with modern concerns. A 2023 study from the Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology found 68% of multicultural families face conflicts over child-rearing practices (Source). The kohl, while culturally significant, carries health risks—NPR reported lead contamination in some kajal products (Source).

ADVERTISEMENT

Cultural psychologist Dr. Pamela Hays advises, “Empathy and communication can bridge cultural divides in families” (Source). A compromise, like a kohl dot behind the ear, could honor tradition safely. Family discussions or a neutral mediator might ease tensions.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit users jumped in with a mix of empathy and edge, from practical compromises to firm support for the parents. Here’s the community’s vibrant take:

ADVERTISEMENT

suuuhhhhdudeee − NTA, (i’m gonna prob get hate for this) but i also know where she’s coming from. If she so desperately wants to do it, and you are comfortable with it, tell her to put the dot behind your child’s ear. It does the same thing but it’s not irritating for your babies and it is less visible.. Sincerely,. a mix of both cultures.

mistry-mistry − Another person of Indian descent here. I want to preface that there are several traditions that stem from science or can be explained with simple logic. The eye liner your MIL is using is kohl / kajal. The true purpose is to protect eyes from sunglare as the darkening around the eyes provide relief.

I would compare it to football players who put black under their eyes for the same reason. Now if your MIL is saying is it's to ward off the evil eye, a good compromise is to put a dot using the kohl behind your child's ear, which is what most of us do (adults and children alike).

ADVERTISEMENT

Lastly, I want to note that a lot of traditions for new mothers and baby come from high mortality rates in the past, so these traditions are to strengthen mother and baby during the first 6 weeks after birth. Some foods are to help increase milk production for nursing. Some foods are to provide vitamins to the new mother to help her regain the strength needed to heal.

So please keep this in mind. I have a friend who is married to an Indian and reaches out to me to understand different traditions because her husband has absolutely no clue. It wouldn't hurt to consider finding someone who could be that for you - to be honest, it could help with creating a better connection between you and MIL.

aditipatelxo − Ok so I’m going to weigh in for the sole reason that I am Indian and grew up with this exact tradition. I’ll tell you that she’ll stop doing that as the kid gets older because it’s only a tradition for the young ones. You’re not an AH for not wanting to participate in this tradition because I understand the concerns with it being near the eyes.

ADVERTISEMENT

But I get that she wants her grandchild to experience Indian traditions from birth. I’ll also mention that it isn’t really dangerous when applied correctly (which she probably knows how to do) and many of us do it and are fine.

Her white-washing comment was unnecessary but probably stems from an actual worry that this kid might feel out of place or left out when that side of the family gets together. So I guess I’m going with NTA bordering on NAH cause she should’ve respected your wishes.

MamaGuppy − NTA. First, they're your children, not hers. Two, putting needless goop around your baby's eyes is simply a health hazard. Considering she seems set in her ways and feels she is doing something good for the babies, maybe you could suggest she make them a talisman to ward off the evil eye to hang over their crib instead?

ADVERTISEMENT

shadowsofwho − NTA. She is free to put whatever she wants on her own children's faces, but these are your babies so only your and your husband's opinion counts.

NominativeSingular − NAH. It's a part of your culture to believe 'my kids, my rules' and to disregard a cultural practice that is unscientific. It's part of your mother law's culture to expect respect from her daughter in law and to consider it important.

This is conflict stemming from both parties are having a hard time seeing out side of their cultural norms. You have a right to feel frustrated, but your MIL has an equal right to feel disrespected.

ADVERTISEMENT

[Reddit User] − NTA. But eh I'm Indian, so it's all culture and warding off evil mumbo jumbo. A lot of the comments here don't know what they're talking about due to cultural dissonance . It's your kid so again, you would know best. Kajal as it is called, isnt harmful per se but yeaa. You know whats best for you child.

WhatWouldScoobyDoo2 − NTA. They're your kids, not hers.

RollingKatamari − Yeah no NTA-and I'm so glad your husband has your back in this, you need to put your foot down about these kinds of things right now or you'll spend the rest of her life being forced into things you're not comfortable with. I know the culture is for the son to keep living with the parents even when married, but is there any chance of your family moving out?

ADVERTISEMENT

squidinosaur − NTA. There is lead in kajal and it's poisonous.. Eye Makeup Used To Protect Children Can Poison Them Instead : Shots - Health News : NPR.

These Reddit opinions are a lively blend, but do they capture the full nuance of this cultural clash? Are the parents right to stand firm, or should they bend for family harmony?

This story of kohl and conflict highlights the delicate dance of honoring tradition while protecting loved ones. The parents’ stand for their babies’ safety strained family ties, but was it the right call? Should they seek a compromise or hold their ground? If you faced a cultural clash with in-laws, how would you balance respect and safety? Share your thoughts and let’s unpack this heartfelt dilemma!

ADVERTISEMENT
Share this post
ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *