AITA For telling my husband that he needs to come straight home after work to help with the kids?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A frazzled mom, juggling an infant’s bedtime bottle and two older kids’ pleas for homework help, glances at the clock—8:45 PM. Her husband, free from work since 8, is still nowhere in sight, lost in a haze of grocery bags and car stereo vibes. This isn’t a one-off sitcom scene; it’s the nightly saga of a 35-year-old woman, drowning in chaos while her 38-year-old husband “decompresses” with music and mobile games.

Her plea is simple: come home, help with the kids. But his pushback—extra delays, divorce threats—turns a tired evening into a battle of priorities. Readers, can you feel the weight of her exhaustion, the sting of his absence? Is she wrong to demand a partner in this parenting storm?

‘AITA For telling my husband that he needs to come straight home after work to help with the kids?’

My 35f husband 38m gets off of work at 8 PM. It takes about 15 minutes to get home. Every single night, he gets home between 830 and 9 o’clock. I’ve noticed that he goes to the grocery store almost every night and a lot of times it’s for things like lotion or dog food that we really don’t need because we will already have dog food at home.

He also says that he likes to decompress in his car listening to music and playing a game on his phone for like 10 or 15 minutes. We have three kids, one of them is an infant and I could really use his help at home. Around this time, I’m trying to get the baby to bed, trying to get the older kids to shower and finish homework.

And when he comes home this close to nine, he barely gets to see the kids and he doesn’t eat dinner with any of us because we have already eaten. I’ve offered a compromise, asking him if he could just do this decompression like a couple nights a week or if he could come straight home and decompress after the kids are in bed like I have to.

He told me that if he comes straight home that he’s going to need 30 to 60 minutes of decompression time and then he’s going to go to bed, basically saying that he will not spend any time with me. He’s telling me that I can’t compromise because I want him to come straight home and that I’m telling him that he’s a bad parent,

and a bad husband because he’s choosing to not spend this time with his family. He also likes to take one or two hours every single day off so that he can drive around and listen to music and play a video game on his phone. I understand wanting time to yourself, but every single day?

Especially when it’s making your wife’s life more stressful? Am I the a**hole with my request? He told me that his therapist said that individuals need time to themselves, but I think that this amount of time is selfish and it’s making things more stressful for me.

Update: he says if he decompresses after the kids go to bed that he needs to get back in the car and go back out to drive around….. I asked point blank if he was cheating or drinking and… He accused me of only wanting to be with him for financial stability (I also worked until 5 months ago) and said he wants a divorce.. Also found out he often closes 10-20 minutes early, but he never gets home any earlier…

Balancing personal time and family duties can feel like walking a tightrope over a circus of screaming kids and unmet needs. This mom’s cry for help highlights a classic partnership snag—uneven loads. The husband’s 1-2 hours of daily “decompression” and late arrivals tip the scales, leaving her buried under diapers and homework sheets.

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Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes in a 2017 Psychology Today article, “Fairness in relationships isn’t about splitting tasks 50-50; it’s about feeling heard and valued in the division” (psychologytoday.com). Here, the husband’s rigid “me time” routine dismisses her plea, fueling resentment. His therapist may champion downtime, but dodging family to this degree leans selfish.

This ties into a broader issue: the 2023 U.S. Census data shows 63% of dual-income households with kids under 6 struggle with childcare equity. Both sides have valid needs—his for a breather, hers for a break—but his escalation to divorce talk signals deeper cracks.

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Advice: Schedule a calm sit-down. Propose a trade: he gets 30 minutes to unwind post-bedtime, she gets equal time off weekly. Joint therapy could unpack his avoidance—cheating or stress? Transparency and teamwork are key. No one’s the bad guy, but balance is non-negotiable.

See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit’s jury weighed in with fiery takes—some sharp, some sage, all served with a side of sass. Here are the highlights:

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dart1126 − NTA. He can’t tell you that you’re unwilling to comprise when you asked him just please don’t do this Every.Single. Day. Yes we ALL need ME time. But he seems to only care about HIM, not you, or his family. What does YOUR therapist say about that?

[Reddit User] − NTA. I would be on his side if he was literally just taking 15 minutes a day, was fully engaged with the family while home and made sure you got free time too. But coming home late PLUS driving around randomly up to 2 hours a day? That’s IS being a bad parent and a bad husband.

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annrkea − he’s a bad parent and a bad husband because he’s choosing to not spend this time with his family.. Yup. No confusion here.. If YOU don’t get the time to yourself, HE doesn’t get the time to himself.. (You both need the time.). NTA. But you need to work this s**t out for both of you.

mfruitfly − Tell him that if he wants 1-2 hours of 'decompression' time each day, then you also deserve the same amount of time, and so the compromise is working out a schedule so you each get the same amount of alone time.

NTA at all- he is taking 1-2 hours a day to drive around and an extra 30 minutes or longer to come home each night. You are doing a full time job taking care of the kids, he is working a full time job, which means that the time he is off work needs to be split up so you each get a break.

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MochaJ95 − Posts like these make me so happy I don't have kids. NTA.

mcmurrml − You are absolutely right and he needs to grow up. That is a lot of time away. Has he been like this with the others when they were babies? He needs to step up.

FoolMe1nceShameOnU − **Oh sweetie, you are absolutely NTA, but your husband is something else. Let's look at all the ways he's TA: 1) He's weaponising his therapist against you**. His therapist is right that people need down time and time to themselves,

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but I can guarantee that they did NOT mean for that time to be decided upon arbitrarily by one half of a married couple in a manner that is objectively damaging the marriage and detrimental to family life. If his therapist knew that he was using their words this way, they'd likely have something to say about it that he would NOT like.

In fact, I highly suggest asking if you can come to one of his therapy sessions. **DO NOT FRAME THIS ANTAGONISTICALLY.** Tell him that clearly there is something going on with him that even when he is not working he needs and wants this much time away from his own family,

and you would like to better understand what that is, and you think that a session or two together with the therapist might help you both communicate better about this, and help you understand what it is that his therapist wants for him.

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2) He already works later than the average office hours by several hours, and openly admits to looking for reasons to avoid coming home, avoid having dinner with his wife and children, and avoid having to participate in any of the work of parenting that takes place in the evening.

He's not even trying to hide this. When you very nicely ask him to compromise, he THREATENS YOU that if you try to make him compromise, **he will punish you by spending even LESS time with you and the kids**. **It would be a fair question at this point to ask him if he even likes any of you, because he certainly isn't acting like it.

3) He then berates you** for pointing out that he is openly and aggressively avoiding any and all parenting responsibilities, as well as even spending time with his family (i.e. eating dinner with you all) and suggests that you are 'calling him a bad father and a bad husband'. Well . . . yes. You are. Because he is. **Don't shy away from this**.

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He seems to think that he can upset you by accusing you of being mean, but if he doesn't want to be called a bad father and husband, then perhaps he ought to start behaving like a halfway decent one, instead of like someone trying desperately to escape from his own family.. You are NTA, my dear, but your husband is about as big of an AH as they get.

Resagarden − Nta, tell him that his therapist is right and that you are getting zero time to yourself. You both need equal time off to relax and he needs to be an equal partner.

Fianna9 − He’s absolutely right that individuals need time to themselves. Does he give you time to yourself? INFO- for his schedule. He works late, but does he start late? Does he help out at all in the mornings? If it’s long shifts then how many days off does he get,

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and how much parenting/housework does he do on the days off. I’m leaning to N T A. marriage and parenting is a partnership and you need support and help too, it sounds like he needs to be more reasonable in his “me time”

whisperofsweetnothin − NTA. You sure he isn't decompressing into someone else? Especially since he is asking for a divorce?. You might as well get rid of your fourth child if he wants to act like this.

These are popular opinions on Reddit, but do they really reflect reality? One user’s quip about “decompressing into someone else” stings with humor, yet the call for equal breaks echoes loud. Is this a case of a dad gone rogue or a couple lost in translation?

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This tale of late nights, grocery runs, and a mom’s breaking point leaves us pondering partnership’s true shape. She’s shouldering the load while he cruises solo—fair or foul? With kids in the mix and divorce on the table, the stakes couldn’t be higher. A compromise seems possible, but trust’s shaky ground needs mending. What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Drop your thoughts below—have you faced this tug-of-war between “me time” and “we time”? Share your wisdom!

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