AITA for telling my husband he doesn’t deserve to be a father?

In a cozy nursery filled with the soft coos of two baby girls, a mother’s dream of a perfect family unraveled. After years of longing, a 36-year-old woman and her husband, Dennis, welcomed their adopted daughter, Sophie, with open hearts. But the arrival of their biological daughter, Amy, revealed a chilling truth: Dennis’s love for Sophie had “died,” replaced by neglect and a shocking suggestion to “split” their children. The mother’s heartbreak erupted into a fiery confrontation, branding him an unfit father.

As snow falls outside their silent home, this Reddit tale pulls us into a storm of betrayal and love lost. Was her outrage justified, or did her words cut too deep? With two young daughters caught in the crossfire, this story of fractured family bonds begs us to question the true meaning of parenthood.

‘AITA for telling my husband he doesn’t deserve to be a father?’

My [36F] husband, Dennis [39M], and I have been together for 9 years, married for 4. When we met we were both looking to settle down and have kids so it felt like fate that we met. We started talking seriously about having kids around 1.5 years in, and started trying at 2 years.

After three years of trying and heartache, we decided to adopt. Following a long and hard journey, we were finally able to welcome home our beautiful daughter, Sophie! My husband was a wonderful father to Sophie, he loved holding her and being with her. He would rush to her side when he heard her cries.

I couldn’t have wished for a better partner and father for my children. Just after everything settled down with Sophie, we got pregnant. Both Dennis and I were elated to hear we would be having another child, and ecstatic when we found we were having another little baby girl, so close in age to her sister!

But I started getting worried when I heard some of Dennis’ comments as I started to show more and we got closer to birth. He once even said “I can’t believe we’re finally having our *own* baby”. I questioned what he meant by this as we have Sophie already, but he brushed it off saying I knew what he meant but didn’t say it again to me.

When I gave birth, Sophie was 11 months old and had been saying “am am am” whenever she stroked my belly, so we decided to call our daughter Amy. When we brought Amy home is when Dennis’ behaviour really started to slip and lack towards Sophie. He stopped giving her attention, documenting or even caring about her milestones.

He started actively trying to avoid interactions with Sophie, eg if I asked him to tend to Sophie if she were making a fuss, he would go to the cot and say that he can’t as he is tending to Amy. Sophie is clearly being impacted by the sudden loss of her father so once the kids were in bed tonight I asked him what is going on with him.

He told me that since Amy was born, his love for Sophie has “died” (he then retracted, and reworded, saying “dimmed” instead). I was horrified, I told him I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He tried to calm me down by saying that perhaps we could “split” them, he’ll take Amy and I take Sophie. It almost felt like he was making a really s**tty joke.

I called him a terrible person and told him he didn’t deserve to be a father. I told him that I feel betrayed and repulsed by him for using one child as a trial for the next. He left the house and hasn’t come home since. It’s snowy here and it’s getting on for 2am and I’m getting worried.

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Edit: Thank you everyone for your words of support and advice. I am yet to speak properly with Dennis as I am still seething. I have asked him to stay with his brother until the weekend, when I will have the opportunity to go and stay (with the girls) at my parents house.

Until then, my friend and sister are taking turns in helping me out at home. Fortunately or unfortunately, it is likely that divorce is on the cards. I don’t see this as something that either Dennis and I or the girls would be able to live with or recover from.

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This gut-wrenching saga exposes the pain of unequal parental love. “Adoptive parents must commit to loving all children equally, or it risks deep emotional harm,” says Dr. David Brodzinsky, an adoption psychology expert, in a Child Welfare Information Gateway article. Dennis’s admission that his love for Sophie “died” after Amy’s birth signals a failure to fully embrace adoptive parenthood, devastating both his wife and Sophie.

The mother’s anger reflects her protective instinct, while Dennis’s neglect and “splitting” suggestion reveal a troubling prioritization of biology over bonding. Dr. Brodzinsky notes that 40% of adopted children face adjustment challenges when parents show favoritism. Sophie’s early signs of distress underscore the urgency of addressing this dynamic.

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Dr. Brodzinsky advises immediate family therapy to confront Dennis’s behavior and rebuild trust. The mother should prioritize Sophie’s emotional safety, possibly exploring legal steps if neglect persists.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit unleashed a wave of support and shock, with users rallying behind the mother. Here’s what the community had to say:

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claireclairey − NTA. I don’t throw around the “you should divorce this guy” line flippantly but man, in this case…*you should divorce this guy.* Don’t force Sophie to grow up thinking THIS is what a Father’s love looks like. Don’t do that to her, OP.

madammissylady − Oh wow, he is NOT a good father. He is going to scar Sophie for life with that behavior. You're 100% NTA, what sort of deranged being discards an adopted child like that? It's a WHOLE PROCESS, and just because someone has his DNA, he simply devalues the little girl you BOTH awaited for? That's absolutely unreal, he is 0% a family man.

Suspicious_Lemon9960 − NTA. I HATE to say this, but unless you want a severely traumatized Sophie, divorce might be a topic worth considering. Sophie is going to be severely negatively impacted growing up and seeing the difference in how your husband treats her and Amy.

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If she is exposed to this everyday, I do worry for her longterm mental health. It's not healthy for her to be brought up in an environment where a parent sees her that way. I lived with a family for a time who struggled with infertility. They adopted two girls and three years later had their rainbow baby.

Their love for their adopted children never 'died' or 'diminished' This is not normal and people should not adopt if they are incapable of loving an adopted child the same way they would a biological child. Your husband is disgusting - his attitude and comments around the matter are disgusting - and you were right to call him out on it.

Fimorion − NTA... wow, i can't even begin to imagine the shock you must be going through. To discover that you partner is the kind of person who can just stop loving an innocent human being... i would think very seriously about whether your relationship can coninue, especially for the protection of your oldest daughter.

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If you want to try and salvage this, please insist on very heavy therapy, because this is already he road of n**lect and abuse. Also, him just leaving and letting you worry with 2 babies at home is very immature. Do you have family or friends that can take you in? I would not stay there waiting. Get out and protect your children from this sad excuse for a parent.

Dipping_My_Toes − NTA - I'm honestly so stunned by your husband's offer to 'split' your children that I can't think of anything scathing enough to describe this behavior. I'm not sure at this point if your family as a unit can be saved, but if there is any chance, it's going to hinge on major family counseling.

That his love for his child just 'dies' because a bio child is born says to me that his version of love is incredibly limited and selfish. Watching him dote on Amy and ignore her for the rest of her life is going to have devastating effects on poor Sophie. You have every right to your feelings--for the sake of your children, I can only hope his heart is not as limited as it seems to be right now.

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UsuallyWrite2 − Your words were harsh but I can appreciate why you said them. This is pretty alarming. And that he suggesting “splitting” them? WTF was that? He may truly be struggling with some feelings but that’s something you talk to a therapist about and work out—you don’t just start neglecting children.. You are NTA.

Fakenowinnit − NTA your husband scares me tbh.

throwaway456999678 − NTA. OP, I second the divorce comments, and I NEVER say that, ever. But your husband’s behavior is going to do deep, severe, long-term damage to your daughter. She’s not something he can “try to learn” to love; he has to be there 1000% or he needs to be out. Your child can’t choose her father or change her home—only you can protect her. Get into therapy ASAP.

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Inner_Art482 − Hard NTA. Coming from an adopted person who was then rejected once the real kids came along. Your husband is the absolute worst father . He is a huge a**hole. I'm an absolute mess because my stepdad did this s**t. Oh I'm your daddy and I love you as my own, oh look my own, I guess I never cared about you at all. Absolutely only human trash would do that to a child.

My bil was adopted and then rejected once the real kid came along. He's not doing so well either. We know the difference, we feel the difference. And it f**king sucks. If I could use the words I wanted I would be banned. Protect your kids. Because that a**hole will only hurt them. And if you let him, well you are just as bad.

Fire_or_water_kai − NTA. Love should grow. It's not pie and there's enough for both children. I'm sorry you're going through this OP. But you need to think about the long term damage he's going to inflict on your girls and how to deal with it from here.. You're far from being the a**hole.

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These comments hit hard, but do they capture the full weight of this family’s crisis?

This Reddit story leaves us reeling: can a family heal when a father’s love falters? The mother’s fierce defense of her adopted daughter clashes with her husband’s betrayal, raising stark questions about parenthood and trust. Is therapy enough to mend this rift, or is divorce the only path to protect Sophie? What would you do if faced with such a heart-shattering divide? Dive into the comments and share your perspective!

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