AITA for telling my grandmother stop trying to make me to be her dead daughter?

Jonathan Hours
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Imagine turning 18, ready to celebrate with a thrilling road trip, only to feel the weight of a ghost on your shoulders. For one young woman, named after her aunt who tragically died at 15 in a car accident, her red hair and very existence have become a canvas for her grandmother’s grief. From childhood, she’s been the golden child, showered with favoritism—yet it’s a love tinged with longing, a constant comparison to a girl she never met.

The pressure built like a storm, and on her 18th birthday, it erupted. Grandma’s plea for a home party, echoing her late aunt’s ways, pushed her to snap: “I’m not her!” Tears fell, family tempers flared, and now silence lingers. Was she wrong to demand her own identity? Buckle up as we explore this tender, tangled tale of love and selfhood!

‘AITA for telling my grandmother stop trying to make me to be her dead daughter?’

I 18 f was named after my aunt who died in a car accident at 15, almost 20 year's ago. I was told when I was born, my grandma saw my hair (Red) and begged my parent's to name me after my aunt. They agreed. From a young age, I was aware she favored me. It also caused my other cousins to resent me. I didn't like her favoritism towards me and just wanted to be treated normal.

She would often say, you have red hair like your aunt or your aunt use to like art ( I'm not into art) and would encourage me to take it up. I refused and it would upset her. Your aunty liked her hair in this style. I complained to my parents and they said that I just bring her comfort. Whatever! My 18th was two weeks ago and me and my friends planned to have a weekend road trip.

My grandma disapproved and said my aunt would have done a party at home and I finally lost it and said that's because, I'm not her, stop trying to make me be your dead daughter, I'm sick off it! My grandma started crying and left the room. I immediately felt bad. I got yelled at by family for making my grandma cry and my dad was the only one who looked troubled and stuck up for me and told everyone to leave.

My mother was upset with me and like everyone else, demanded I apologize to my grandma, but I refused. My dad told me not to worry about it, and just go enjoy my road trip, it should be settled down, by the time I get back. Except it hasn't, everyone still angry and my grandma hasn't spoken to me either.

A birthday blowup over a road trip reveals a deeper struggle—grief clashing with identity. This teen, named after her late aunt, faced years of comparisons, from red hair to art lessons she never wanted. Grandma’s favoritism, well-intentioned but heavy, left her feeling like a stand-in, not a person. Her outburst, while sharp, was a cry for selfhood.

Dr. Pauline Boss, a family therapist, explains in a 2021 Psychology Today article, “Ambiguous loss, like losing a child without closure, can freeze grief, leading loved ones to cling to substitutes” ( source). Grandma’s actions reflect this, projecting her daughter onto her granddaughter, perhaps to ease the pain of a 20-year-old loss. The teen, meanwhile, craves recognition as herself.

This ties to a broader issue: unresolved grief. A 2022 study by the American Psychological Association found 1 in 5 bereaved parents struggle with prolonged grief disorder, impacting family dynamics (source). The family’s enabling of Grandma’s behavior sidestepped healing, burdening the teen.

What’s the fix? A gentle talk—perhaps, “Grandma, I love you, but I need to be me, not her.” Suggest grief counseling for her, as Dr. Boss advises, to process loss. For the teen, set boundaries kindly, lean on Dad’s support, and explore your path.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Reddit rallied with fiery takes and a sprinkle of wisdom—here’s the scoop, served with a chuckle!

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oaksandpines1776 - NTA Do you like your name? You are 18. If you don't like it, it may be time to get a name change. She favors you. It has already damaged your relationships with cousins due to her favoritism. She really thinks you are a replacement daughter, especially since your whole life she has tried to get you to be exactly like her daughter.

WeMapRPG - NTA. Could use a 'Grandma, I'm sorry for blowing up at you the way I did, but this is a conversation that has been a long time coming. I don't feel like you love ME. You love some other person that I remind you of. The only affection I can remember is about how much you love someone I have never met. It's like a 1000 yard stare instead of someone actually looking at you. I am my own person.'

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EssexCatWoman - NTA. You are not your grandmother’s support animal or comfort blanket. You are YOU. Sounds like the family has gone the path of least resistance for years, and maybe sometimes that has been something you’ve been ok with, but you do not need to set yourself on fire to keep others warm..

Your parents, and all that enabled your grandmother to postpone her healing in this way are the AHs. Forge a path. Your path. And in a roundabout way, whatever your grandmother’s recollections are, you will probably honour your aunt more as I’m guessing like most people she would have done the same.

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toosheeptheorist - NTA - as well meaning as it was of your parents to name you for a deceased sibling, it was a mistake. Your grandmother is trying to make you live up to an impossible standard - that of a child that who never got to realize their potential.

You are never the AH for wanting to live your own life in the way that you want to. And after years of frustration of being compared to your deceased aunt, you finally lost it. Your dad, at least, has your back, and the rest of the family needs to realize that you have been putting up with this for 18 years.

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slendermanismydad - my dad was the only one who looked troubled and stuck up for me and told everyone to leave. Your dad just realized how they screwed up. Children shouldn't be born with jobs and they saddled you with a huge one. NTA.

Temporary-King3339 - NTA for feeling manipulated into being someone you aren't and for standing up for your individuality, but A for the delivery. This is why I hate naming a child after another relative. Too many older relatives transfer personality traits on a young child.

[Reddit User] - NTA. All 4 of my brothers are named after deceased family members. Never once in all their growing up years, did my patents allow anyone to try and force them into being some dead persons mini-me! I get that Granny misses her daughter but 18 years of non stop crap is deeply disturbing.

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It's never going to end if you don't keep your foot firmly on the ground and tell the fam your sick of it. You are your own person not your dead aunties clone! It may take changing your name completely to get them to recognize and accept your individuality

Nymph-the-scribe - You're NTA, but indo feel for your grandma. Losing a child is an impossible thing to wrap your head around. But, it's been 20 years. The fact that she is still grieving this hard is worrisome. It sounds like your dad is on your side, so he would probably be the best to talk to first. Your grandmother needs grief counseling.

She needs to be able to let go and allow her daughter to RIP and enjoy and get to know the granddaughter she has. You don't owe her an apology. It really doesn't matter. The reason behind it is that your grandmother has repeatedly crossed a (kind of creepy) line, repeatedly. However, again, anyone should be able to understand that the grief a parent has because of burying a child is almost impossible to comprehend.

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Unless you want to go NC, you should say something. By no means do you really have to apologize. You may have been mean, but sometimes people need to hear the mean in order to stop. That being said, you could say something along the lines of... 'Grandma, I am very sorry I hurt your feelings. I did not want to make you cry. But I honestly can not handle this anymore.

I have been very aware mynentire life how you have not only favored me, but you have pushed hard to turn me into a clone of your daughter. That's made me uncomfortable my entire life. It also breaks my heart. I feel like you are trying to use me to fill a hole in your heart. I'm sorry she is no longer here, I'm sorry I never got to meet her. But I am not her.

I can not be her. I am my I n person, and I am trying very hard to be me and not her. It breaks my heart because it feels like you don't want to know me or get to know me for who I am. You have gotten upset so many times because I haven't done what she would do, liked what she liked, and been good at what she was good at. You have gotten upset at me for not walking in her exact footsteps.

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That's not fair to me.or her. I love you, I wish my existence could take that pain away from you. But it can't because I am not her and will never be her. Would she really want you to try and make me her? Or would she want you to get to know the grandchild you have? Please, get to know ME, love ME because I'm ME, and not because I remind you of her.

It really hurts to simultaneously be loved and non existant to someone that I love. Please, I want you to get to know who I am, I think you would be just as proud.' And then give her a hug. Thos puts the ball in her court. She can either make the effort to get to know who for you are or not. It may take a little while for her to actually move on, but you should be able to see the effort to get pretty immediately.

I will say again that it really sounds like she is long overdue for grief counseling. If your parents agree (they don't have to be a united front is easier) that counseling would be beneficial, say something about you wanting her to go, maybe even go with her a couple times. You're NTA, but I can't really say your grandmother is one either.

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She went through something that breaks people, so it's understandable that she struggles. She needs firm support to move forward. You also need to talk to your mom at least. You need to tell her that you're hurt that she isn't supporting you. Again, you are you, not your dead aunt. And you need her help to make that clear in the least painful way to your grandmother.

You may be 18 now, but you still need both your parents. And you need them both to help you step out of the shadow of a ghost and be seen for the living person you are. This is just a sad situation all around, and I'm sorry for the loss and how that's impacted you. I hope you're able to find a way to work through this in a healthy manner and to help your grandmother do the same.

CrabbiestAsp - NTA. Good on your dad for having your back, but it should have been done ages ago.

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atealein - NTA, you are literally ovrr the age at which your aunt died. There is no 'she did this or that' at this point, it is all parent fantasies and speculations, except she is not your parent. You need to sit down with your mum (and dad but it seems he is already on your page) and expain to her that she needs to help you be yourself, not someone else's fantasy. You need her to have your back in this.

These are popular opinions on Reddit, but do they really reflect reality? Maybe Grandma’s heart aches, but does that mean our teen should live in a shadow?

This saga of red hair, road trips, and a grandmother’s grief is a rollercoaster of emotion. Our teen’s bold stand—refusing to be her aunt—stirred tears, family feuds, and a quest for self. It’s a messy mix of love, loss, and the fight to be seen. Dad’s got her back, but the silence lingers. Should she apologize or stand firm? What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Share your thoughts—how would you break free from a loved one’s ghost?

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