AITA for telling my girls’ birth father that they don’t want to meet him?

In a quiet suburban home, a father tucks away a family photo, its edges worn from years of love, as his three teenage daughters navigate a storm from their past. Their biological father, absent for over a decade, has resurfaced, stirring emotions and testing loyalties. This adoptive dad, who stepped into their lives with unwavering devotion, now faces a tough choice: honor his daughters’ firm rejection of this stranger or push for a reunion that could reopen old wounds. The tension is palpable, as the girls’ decision clashes with external pressures, pulling readers into a heartfelt family saga.

The story unfolds with raw emotion, as the daughters, now 16, stand at a crossroads between their chosen family and a man claiming a long-lost bond. It’s a tale of love, boundaries, and the power of choice, inviting readers to ponder what truly defines a father.

‘AITA for telling my girls’ birth father that they don’t want to meet him?’

Backstory: my (late) wife was married to a fella 17 years ago and got pregnant. Shortly after the girls were born, he bolted, leaving her and the girls alone. When my girls were around 6 (they’re turning 16 this year), I met my wife and we got married a year later. Sadly, my wife passed away a couple years after that and I adopted our three girls and raised them as my own ever since..

To the main story... My middle (I call my daughter that’s born first, my oldest) daughter (let’s call her M), told me a man messaged her on social media claiming to be their birth father. He knew my wife’s name, where she worked at the time and roughly how old my girls were.

Based on the fact he knew so much about my wife’s side, I have no reason to doubt that he is my girls’ birth father. I asked M if she was interested in meeting him and she was adamant that she considered me as her father and wanted nothing to do with the man that abandoned them.

I asked my other two girls if they would like to meet him and they both also declined. They asked me to get this man to stop trying to reach out to them. So I used M’s account to message him, told him I was their adopted father and asked to meet face to face.

When I met him I asked him to stop reaching out to my girls and told him that they have his contact info for when they feel like they’re ready to meet. Apparently that made him mad and he told me that it was his right to meet his daughters, I’m keeping them away from him because I’m afraid they’ll leave me and they need to meet him.

He then stormed off and we haven’t heard from him since. I think I’m in the right here, but a couple of my friends told me that I should have tried to calm my girls down and organize a meeting with their birth father. They also said that the fact that he’s reaching out now means that me might be sick and wants to meet them before he passes. Now I’m doubting my actions.

TL;DR: my daughters’ birth father wants to meet them, they don’t want to meet him and I told him that. He and a couple of my friends say I should get them to meet him.. So AITA?. EDIT: added/cleaned up some confusing details

Navigating a sudden reappearance of an absent parent is like walking a tightrope over a pool of raw emotions. The adoptive father’s decision to prioritize his daughters’ wishes reflects a deep respect for their autonomy, but it’s not without controversy.

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Dr. John Gottman, a renowned family psychologist, emphasizes the importance of validating children’s feelings in family conflicts. In his article on Family Psychology, he states, “When children feel heard, they develop emotional resilience and trust in their caregivers.” Here, the father’s choice to listen to his daughters aligns with this principle, fostering their sense of security. The biological father’s insistence, however, ignores their emotional needs, prioritizing his own desires over their well-being.

The broader issue here is the impact of parental absence on children. A 2023 study from the American Psychological Association notes that children of absent parents often face trust issues, making forced reunions potentially harmful. The daughters’ refusal suggests they’ve built a stable family unit with their adoptive father, and pushing them risks disrupting this balance.

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For solutions, experts suggest maintaining open communication. The father did well by leaving the door open for future contact, giving the girls control. He could also explore family counseling to help them process their emotions, ensuring their boundaries remain respected while addressing any lingering curiosity.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, serving up a mix of fist bumps and fiery takes, like a family reunion with extra spice. Here’s what they had to say:

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IkeaYayas − NTA- your girls told you what was happening, you asked all three if they wanted to meet him and they said no. You did the right thing and the sperm donor in question is the AH for acting like by showing up your daughters would want to leave you.. Keep being a great dad!

ClippityClomp − NTA. Like a responsible father, you sat down with your girls, asked them how they felt and what they wanted and listened to them, making your decision based on what was best for them. This bio “father” is clearly only doing what he thinks is best for him.

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His biological children are telling him they want nothing to do with him, he ran out on them and then has the audacity to still insist he knows what’s best for them. That’s no father at all.. Your girls are lucky to have a Dad that loves them so much!

WailingWidow − NTA. I was in a similar situation as your daughters. My biological father abandoned my mother when I was around 1-2. When we got a hold of his contact info, my mother did not push me to meet him and let me go at my own pace.

However, the man that did raise me 'encouraged' me to involve my biological father more in my life and even allow him into my hospital room when I was hospitalized. He said I 'should' and other general platitudes that weren't centered around my wants or my best interests.

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It was about 'how things should be' ..aka a biological father having a relationship with his kids... But get this: he voluntarily gave up 'how things should be' when he abandoned them and left. Now he is nothing more than a stranger who made their late mother's life more difficult before their actually dad --YOU OP-- came into their lives.

I relented and let my bio dad come around me.. and I felt so coerced. It was very uncomfortable. I made it clear that I did not want to speak to him or see him. But I was 'encouraged' to 'give him a chance.' There are a lot of complicated emotions that your daughters are going through.

But they have already told you what they want. Respect that. For your friends, please ignore them. Please do not 'encourage' them, they will resent it and it will cause a lot of emotional trauma that they do not need. They already lost their mom.

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Also, they already have a dad. That's you. They don't 'need' him other than his medical information. They have what they need.. NTA.. Edit: also, if he is indeed sick, he would've told you and communicated like a grown man.

Mystic_Arts − NTA! But let's dissect this.. Apparently that made him mad and he told me that it was his right to meet his daughters, Nope. If that's his right then surely the girls have rights to not meet him. They made their choice and he doesn't like that.. told him that they have his contact info for when they feel like they’re ready to meet.

You left it open for everyone in case they change their mind but he just doesn't like that he's not getting what he wants when he wants.. I think I’m in the right here. Yes. Yes you are. They also said that the fact that he’s reaching out now means that me might be sick and wants to meet them before he passes.

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Irrelevant. All he is to them is a strange man who's come out of nowhere claiming to matter. If he wanted to matter maybe he should have stuck around, or came back sooner. I have no sympathy for dying assholes because if they weren't dying then nothing would have changed. That change isn't sincere. Its fueled by guilt and fear.

aglorifiedgasstation − NTA. Your daughters stated clearly what they wanted, which is to not meet him, & what they want in this case is what matters most, not what your friends or anyone else thinks. Keep being an awesome dad, you’re doing great :)

Virulencer − NTA. You left the decision up to the girls and they decided they didn't want to meet him. You even went so far as to get in touch with him yourself because they asked you to. He may have fathered them but you are more of a dad than he will ever be.

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mgreen1102 − NTA. You left the decision up to your daughters & all 3 declined. I’m assuming since you adopted them, he has no legal rights to them as it is but I’m not sure how all of that works. If they change their mind in the future, they have his information. No one should make you feel bad for acting in the best interest of your girls & doing what they’ve asked you to do.

Rittman925 − NTA. You just passed along what they said. And he gave up any rights to them when he took off on them. It would be sad if he is ill or something, but that still doesn't give him any rights whatsoever.

personofpaper − NTA. You asked, they answered, you listened. This is their decision to make and they made it. You're just enforcing their boundaries. Bio dad isn't entitled to just waltz back into their lives because he wants to.

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mnchemist − NTA You told birth father the truth. Your girls don't want to meet him and, as you pointed out, they *DO* have his contact info if/when they are ready. You have no control over how the guy reacted.

These Redditors rallied behind the father’s choice, praising his loyalty while roasting the bio dad’s audacity. But do their cheers capture the full picture, or are they just fueling the drama?

This story reminds us that family isn’t just about blood—it’s about who shows up when it counts. The adoptive father’s stand for his daughters’ wishes highlights the power of chosen bonds, but the bio dad’s push and friends’ doubts add layers of complexity. Readers, what would you do if you were in this father’s shoes? Share your thoughts and experiences—how would you balance loyalty to your kids with external pressures to reconnect?

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