AITA for telling my girlfriend that she can’t speak Japanese to my parents during thanksgiving?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Picture a cozy Thanksgiving table, laden with turkey and warm chatter, where a new girlfriend steps into a family’s embrace for the first time. The OP, a 35-year-old half-Japanese man, brought his girlfriend, Sasha, a fluent Japanese interpreter, to meet his parents. But before the cranberry sauce was passed, he dropped a surprising request: she must not speak Japanese, despite his family’s fluency. His goal? To keep things comfortable for his siblings’ spouses, who don’t speak the language.

The room buzzed with unspoken tension as Sasha, proud of her hard-earned linguistic skills, faced a demand to hide a core part of herself. This wasn’t just about language—it was about belonging, fairness, and control. The OP’s attempt to balance family dynamics sparked a rift, leaving Reddit buzzing with opinions. Was he protecting harmony or stifling his girlfriend’s identity?

‘AITA for telling my girlfriend that she can’t speak Japanese to my parents during thanksgiving?’

I (M35) have met my girlfriend (F30) at work (we’re both interpreters). We’ve been together for a few months and thanksgiving will be the first time she’s going to meet my parents. I am half Japanese, my dad is Japanese my mother is American. My mother learned Japanese so she can connect with my paternal side of the family. Me and my siblings all speak Japanese. However, none of my siblings spouses do.

My girlfriend, Sasha, started learning Japanese before it got popular, she started learning it when she was 14, has both, BA and MA in Japanese and Translation & Interpreting. She sounds as close to a native speaker as possible. However, I wanted her that she shouldn’t try and speak Japanese when meeting my parents or grandparents and that she’s forbidden from using it even when I’m usi it with my siblings.

She asked why and I told her that I’d hate for my Sils and Bills to be uncomfortable because they don’t speak it and I don’t want her to become my parents/grandparents favorite because we’ve only been together a few months and it wouldn’t be fair if they liked her more than my sil of 10 years who doesn’t speak Japanese.

She said that’s ridiculous and she shouldn’t have to hide it. I said that perhaps later when we’ve been together for longer. She asked if she had to pretend not to understand me and my siblings when we talk. And I said, exactly. She got really weird and went home.

She’s been kind of distant lately and I told a friend about this and they said that I was a major AH and if they ask her about her job, she’s have to lie as well. I admit, I hadn’t thought of that. But I still can’t see that I did anything wrong. So AITA for demanding she lies?

Telling a partner to hide their skills at a family gathering is like asking a chef to skip the spices—it dims the flavor of the moment. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, emphasizes, “Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect and authenticity” . The OP’s request for Sasha to suppress her Japanese fluency, a skill tied to her identity and career, risks undermining her confidence and their bond.

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The OP’s concern stems from a desire to keep his siblings’ spouses comfortable, as they don’t speak Japanese. Yet, his approach—singling out Sasha while allowing himself and his siblings to use the language—creates an unfair double standard. Sasha’s pushback reflects her need to be seen authentically, especially in a family where Japanese is a shared bond. The OP’s fear of her outshining his long-term sister-in-law highlights insecurity, not fairness.

This situation mirrors broader issues of cultural identity in relationships. A 2021 study found that 62% of intercultural couples face challenges balancing family expectations with personal expression . Suppressing language can alienate partners, especially when it’s a professional strength. Dr. Gottman suggests open dialogue to navigate such conflicts, recommending the OP discuss his concerns with Sasha and his family upfront.

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A better approach? The OP could propose everyone sticks to English during group conversations to ensure inclusivity, while allowing private Japanese chats with his parents. Sasha could also respond in English to Japanese questions, showcasing her skills without excluding others. This balances respect for all.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit didn’t hold back, dishing out a feast of opinions spicier than the Thanksgiving stuffing. From calling the OP out for controlling behavior to urging Sasha to shine, the comments were a lively mix of support and sass. Here’s the raw scoop from the crowd:

eiliyiaris − YTA - It will make an impact on her relationship with your family in the future. How are they going to react when they find out she's been able to communicate with them THIS ENTIRE TIME?

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Ok_Development74 − YTA. Maybe you should have just told her that you don’t see the relationship as having any real future so you don’t want your family getting too attached to her because that is basically what your nonsensical prohibition amounts to. Also, if you actually cared about not leaving out the in-laws then NO ONE would speak Japanese.

Baileythenerd − **YTA**- OP. Your girlfriend has a cool and unique skill that she would very rarely have opportunity to use in the US. She can communicate with your parents and siblings in a language that could be more comfortable to them. If you're going to make demands that **someone** not speak japanese in the household so as not to make in-laws uncomfortable, maybe consider communicating that with **EVERYONE** who speaks japanese.

Don't just exclude **your GF** to avoid excluding your BIL/SILs. If she can't speak japanese, no one should. And if telling your parents and siblings not to speak japanese sounds like an a**hole move, then maybe use that context to analyze your initial request. Because it's a super a**hole move.

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BeepBlipBlapBloop − YTA - You can't 'forbid' her from speaking Japanese. She's your girlfriend, not your employee. You can ask her not to, but what she ultimately does is up to her. Besides, your reason for 'forbidding' it is dumb. She speaks Japanese. That's a fact. There's no reason to pretend that she doesn't.

Illustrious-Shirt569 − YTA. Are you serious? This is insane. You’re telling her to lie and to be ashamed of her skills, which are both her life’s passion and her actual occupation. This is horrifically controlling and disturbing.

HCIBSW − YTA. You may as well end the relationship now. If she pretends to 'not understand' and the relationship continues she will have to hide the part of her life, her job, her expertise for the rest of her life with you. OR Eventually she lets everyone know she has been able to speak it & she or you gets blamed for hiding it and accusations of listening in on conversations get thrown around..

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Did you ever think that your grandparents may enjoy having conversations in their native language? You know she could listen to the native tongue & answer in English if she wants. Your girlfriend is intelligent. If your siblings spouses by this time haven't invested the time to learn any Japanese for greetings and pleasantries, that is on them. THEY are already part of the family and have chosen not to.

tiredlittlepigeon − YTA...a dumb one at that. Your reasoning is stupid and I doubt your parents will appreciate you having your gf lie for you. This relationship will be over soon.

wolfeye18 − YTA- Let’s break this down. You want her to lie to your family.. You want her to play stupid and act dumb.. I hope she dumps you.

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[Reddit User] − YTA. In spades. You forbade her?

_mmiggs_ − YTA. Your parents speak Japanese. Your gf speaks Japanese. They can speak Japanese to each other. Clearly neither your parents or your gf is rude enough to speak Japanese an a group conversation and exclude the non-Japanese speakers. What would you do if you broke up with gf, and started dating someone who also happened to be Japanese - would you expect them to pretend that they weren't actually Japanese?

These Redditors tore into the OP’s logic, with some labeling his request as absurd and others predicting a quick end to the relationship. But do their fiery takes capture the full picture, or are they just piling on the drama?

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The OP’s attempt to keep the peace at Thanksgiving ended up serving a side of tension, highlighting the delicate dance of family dynamics and personal identity. Asking Sasha to hide her Japanese fluency may have been well-intentioned but landed as a demand to dim her light. This story reminds us that love thrives on authenticity, not control. How would you navigate a partner’s request to hide a part of who you are at a family gathering?

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