AITA for telling my girlfriend it’s weird that she wants to name our son after her dead ex boyfriend?

In a cozy apartment filled with the soft hum of anticipation for a new baby, a couple’s joy hit a sour note. The air grew thick with tension when she, glowing with pregnancy, suggested naming their son after her late ex-boyfriend, the father of her 9-year-old son. He, caught off guard, felt a sting of unease, picturing their child carrying a name tied to a past he’d never known. This wasn’t just about a name—it was about grief, love, and boundaries colliding.

The suggestion sparked a fiery clash, with words flung like sparks from a bonfire. She saw it as a tribute to a lost love; he saw it as a slight to their shared future. Readers can’t help but wonder: how do you balance honoring the past with building a new family? This Reddit tale pulls us into a whirlwind of emotions, where respect and resentment dance a delicate tango.

‘AITA for telling my girlfriend it’s weird that she wants to name our son after her dead ex boyfriend?’

My (31M) girlfriend’s (30F) ex boyfriend passed away 7 years ago from sickle cell disease. They shared a son together who is 9 years old, I adore him and look after him like he’s my own. As for us, we began dating 3 years ago and everything has been going really great.

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She is currently 6 months pregnant, we are having a boy. We’re both really excited but there is tension between us because she suggested that we name our son after her ex boyfriend. Which I instantly said no, that’s definitely not happening.

So she then asked if it could be his middle name then because it would mean a lot to her. I told her it’s extremely weird because our kid has absolutely no relation to her ex boyfriend and it’s offensive to me to have OUR son named after a dead guy that she use to date.

She got all s**tty with me and said I was disrespectful and wasn’t taking her feelings into consideration blah blah blah and then told me to remember “that dead guy she use to date is the real father of her son.”

I don’t think it was fair to rub that in my face. So now we’re both pissed off with each other.. I genuinely think it was out of line for her to even ask me that not to mention inappropriate.. AITA?

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Navigating a partner’s grief can feel like walking a tightrope over a sea of emotions. This couple’s clash over a baby’s name reveals a deeper struggle: balancing personal loss with a shared future. The girlfriend’s desire to honor her late ex, the father of her son, clashes with her boyfriend’s need to feel prioritized in their growing family. Both perspectives hold weight—she’s grappling with unresolved grief, while he’s protecting his role in their new chapter.

This situation reflects a broader issue: how couples handle grief in blended families. According to a 2021 study by the American Psychological Association, unresolved grief can strain relationships, with 60% of couples reporting tension when past losses resurface (apa.org). The girlfriend’s suggestion, though heartfelt, may signal unprocessed emotions, while the boyfriend’s sharp response hints at insecurity.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Empathy is the cornerstone of conflict resolution in relationships” (gottman.com). Here, the boyfriend’s dismissal of the name as “weird” and the girlfriend’s retort about her son’s “real father” show a lack of mutual understanding. Both could benefit from pausing to validate each other’s feelings—her grief and his discomfort.

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To move forward, they might explore compromises, like using the late ex’s initials or a name with personal meaning to both. Couples therapy could also help them navigate grief and partnership dynamics. Open dialogue, rooted in empathy, could turn this clash into a chance for deeper connection.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Reddit’s hive mind didn’t hold back, serving up a mix of spicy takes and thoughtful insights. Here are some of the top comments that lit up the thread, capturing the internet’s unfiltered pulse on this drama:

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sickofdriving007 − NTA. I can't believe she threw that 'real father' statement in your fact. That makes her TA, pregnant or not. She should've named HIS child after him, not yours.

Sammyweedz − ESH. The truth told with bad intent does more harm than any lie. There’s power in the truth and it can be harmful if recklessly thrown around. You were mean and dismissive. It’d have been much more effective to open up to her about how it makes you feel and why you think it’s a bad idea.

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You gave away the moral high ground with your aggressive insecurity. Not only that but if y’all would’ve thought as parents first instead of individuals, you’d realize it’d be weird af for someone to have to call their brother by their dead dad’s name for the rest of their life.

[Reddit User] − NTA. F**k that. That isn't HIS KID. It's YOUR KID. That is insanely disrespectful and I can't believe someone would suggest naming a child she had with her current boyfriend after an ex. That is a huge red flag, my man.

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[Reddit User] − NTA. She has a whole kid from her ex, why does your son have to be named after him? Is she still in love with her dead bf? She needs to get some counseling, that isn't her ex's son at all. Her asking to name him after the ex is so inappropriate and weird.

winesis − NTA tell her you can help with the paperwork to change his son’s middle name, but you will not be naming your son after him.

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Beck2010 − Umm… she already had a son with the boyfriend who’s passed away? Was he named for his father? I don’t think you were very kind to her, but I can’t say I disagree with you. I wouldn’t want a child of mine to be named for a previous girlfriend of my husband. That’s just weird.. So, NTA.

MaximusLuna − ~~I'd say this is in NAH territory.~~ She wanted a name, you said no. She offered a compromise of a middle name, you still said no. On a name, there has to be compromise. On that note, a child can have more than one middle name. Where you teetered into AH territory is by calling her weird.

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You then called her son's father 'a dead guy that she use to date'. Wow, that's seriously an AH move. But then you accuse her, when she uses your exact words against you, of 'rubbing it in your face' So, you're going to play the victim?. So for the name no. But for the rest?. YTA

og_kitten_mittens − Since you’re the parent too you deserve a say in the naming of your child, but you’re being a d**k by not being understanding with your wife’s grief. Why the jealousy?? She’s having the kid with you and she probably has a lot of grief from the death of her ex.

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I don’t think you’re an a**hole in this situation bc both parents should agree on a name and you are not comfortable with that one, but you are definitely being callous. Also the way you speak about her “blah blah blah” makes me think you are an a**hole in general, but not in this situation NAH

Nav_91 − NTA for not wanting to name your son after him, but I do suggest to find a compromis if it means so much to her. Your feelings should be considered too, of course. Perhaps she can find a name that honors him, without it blatantly being his name? Maybe his second name? An anagram of his name?

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However, YTA for calling him ‘a dead guy she used to date’. Have some respect for the father of her son and her ex. That was uncalled for… Edit: Idk if it’s possible where you live, but maybe you can add a second name to her first born? Would make more sense if his actual son carried his name, imho…

RivenEsquire − Naming children is a '2 yes, 1 no' situation. OP, you are not the AH for not wanting the name. That said, the 9yo's father is not an 'ex'. He is deceased. They were together when he passed, and probably would have gotten married, it seems, had he lived.

'Ex' implies a voluntary end to the relationship, and that's not what happened here. If they were married, he'd be her *late* or *deceased* husband, not her ex-husband. You became the AH with the way you belittled and dismissed her for her feelings of grief during a time when she could be extremely hormonal and emotional.

Her making a n**ty comment back to you seems pretty deserved given your apparent attitude(evidenced by your word choices and how you characterized the interaction--i.e. 'blah blah blah.'). He wasn't just 'some guy she used to date.'

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He was her partner and they loved each other, and she probably sees a memory of him every time she looks at the 9yo's face. That's a grief that lasts, whether you want to address it or not. Again, not wanting to name your son anything you don't want to is fine.

Maybe using her deceased boyfriend's initials for First and Middle names would be a more nuanced approach if she'd like to honor his memory without actually using his name. YTA for framing this like this guy was just an ex when he passed away while they were still in a loving relationship

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and he is the father of the 9yo you presumably raise together, and for being the one to escalate the situation completely unnecessarily when all she did was have a discussion with you about something she was thinking.

These Reddit opinions range from fiery support to nuanced critiques, but do they capture the full complexity of grief and partnership? Maybe the truth lies somewhere in the messy middle.

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This tale of clashing emotions leaves us pondering the delicate dance of love, loss, and new beginnings. The couple’s fight over a name isn’t just about words—it’s about honoring the past while forging a future. Both have valid feelings, but their heated words show how quickly grief can spark misunderstanding. What would you do if you were in their shoes? Share your thoughts—have you faced a similar clash of past and present in your relationships?

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