AITA for telling my friend she should work less if she wants more time with her husband?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Picture a cozy kindergarten carpool, where parents swap stories and kids’ backpacks. Amid the chatter, one friend’s constant gripe about her husband’s lack of time for her starts to wear thin. When Tori vents yet again, her friend notices a pattern: Tori’s long work hours and frequent nights out leave her stay-at-home husband, Jack, juggling chores and kids alone. A blunt suggestion to cut back on work sparks tears and accusations of career-shaming.

This Reddit tale dives into the sticky terrain of friendship and tough love. Tori’s complaints about Jack’s availability clash with her packed schedule, and one friend’s honest advice stirs drama. As Reddit weighs in with fiery takes, the question burns: was it wrong to call out Tori’s role in her own marital woes, or was it the wake-up call she needed?

‘AITA for telling my friend she should work less if she wants more time with her husband?’

About 7 months ago my friend Tori (34F) began to vent to us about some of her marital problems. Namely that her husband Jack (35m) doesn't have time for her. At first we let her vent and just listened to her and gave her support. I know that Jack is a stay at home dad that works part-time from home and Tori is pretty big into her career.

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At the time I didn't question how things were when she got home because I just wanted to listen to her. Since then she's had the same complaint every time we see her and some of our friends started to offer her advice like tell Jack how he was hurting her feelings and tell him what she needed from him. It sounded like good advice.

This year our kids are in the same kindergarten class so Jack, myself, and another friend have been taking turns carpooling the kids. Whenever I drop their kid off and take them inside I would always see Jack finishing up cleaning, laundry, cooking, and other household chores.

Tori also now has 2 nights a week she either comes to one of our houses after work or she goes out with her coworkers after work. Yet when we see her she still has the same complaint about Jack not having time for her. This last time I saw Tori, some of our friends had started to talk down about him to her about the whole situation.

I asked Tori if Jack is still doing most of the childcare and housework while working from home and she said yes. I asked her if she gets paid OT for working so many hours that they need the money and she said no, she's on salary but she wants to get to the next level.

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I told her it sounds like she had been misrepresenting the situation and it doesn't sound like Jack doesn't have time for her but she may not be making time for him and if she wants time with him, she should cut back on her hours so she's home at a reasonable time and maybe not go socialize two nights a week while he's at home.

Tori started to cry and tell me I was shaming her for having her career and our friend agreed. I said it wasn't like that at all and that there was nothing wrong with her having a career but if all the other advice hadn't been working after so many months maybe she needed to look at how she was also contributing to the problem. Now they're both upset and barely talking to me. Was I so wrong to tell her that AITA?

Friendship thrives on honesty, but delivering tough truths requires finesse. Dr. Irene S. Levine, a friendship expert, notes, “Offering unsolicited advice can strain relationships if it feels judgmental” (psychologytoday). Tori’s persistent complaints about Jack’s availability invited feedback, but the suggestion to work less hit a nerve, especially when framed as her contributing to the problem.

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This situation reflects broader challenges in balancing career and marriage. A 2023 study by the American Sociological Association found that 68% of working spouses report tension when one partner prioritizes career over family time (asanet). Tori’s long hours and social nights contrast with Jack’s demanding role as a stay-at-home dad, creating a lopsided dynamic.

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, advises, “Couples must align on shared priorities to maintain connection” (gottman). The friend’s advice, while blunt, highlighted Tori’s agency in her time choices. A softer approach, like suggesting a date night, might have landed better. For resolution, the friend could apologize for the delivery but encourage Tori to discuss time allocation with Jack. This story underscores the delicate art of giving advice.

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Here’s how people reacted to the post:

The Reddit squad rolled in like carpool parents with strong opinions, serving up support and shade in equal measure. Some cheered the friend’s honesty, others called Tori out for dodging her role in the problem. Here’s the raw scoop from the crowd:

peithecelt − NTA - she's doing the same thing to her husband that men used to do to their wives. It wasn't okay when they did it to us, and it's not okay to do it to them. You can't prioritize your work and social life, then complain that your spouse who is filling in all of the blanks, doesn't have time to prioritize you.

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Running a household is a LOT of work. And if a working woman has a stay at home husband who is doing that work, he deserves the same respect that we all would expect a working husband to give to his SAH wife.

someperson717 − NTA. She is lashing out at you because she knows herself that what you are saying is valid. You are a good friend to point this out to her. The truth sometimes hurts.

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CinderDroplet − NTA. It doesn't sound like Tori is even trying to make time for her husband. Her husband sounds like he's got a full plate and is supporting her advancing her career.

ed_lv − NTA. Your question was completely legitimate, and frankly overdue considering that she complains about the same issue over and over again, without trying to do anything to change the situation.

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Supergoch − NTA, if the genders were swapped, the husband would be totally blamed for ignoring his wife and her needs.

RedditDK2 − Nta. It's not shaming someone to point out that the time she is spending at work and socialize with friends is time not spent with her husband. She can't complain about not spending time with her husband while not being available to spend time with him by choice.

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Groftsan − NTA. You're not shaming her, you're reminding her of the costs of prioritization. You're not going to think less of her if she chooses her career or her husband. But if she's choosing her career and complaining about her husband, then she's just shifting the burden of the consequences of her own choices on to you, which isn't fair.

WE all need to choose between our work life and our personal life and make the choices we're ultimately most comfortable about. Each choice has a consequence. You reminding her of that dichotomy isn't a d**k move. Seems like she doesn't like having a mirror held up to her choices, if you pointing out a simple truth made her cry and begin to blame YOU for her problems.

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DaBooba − NTA. You aren't shaming her for having a career, that's a strawman. The situation seems to be exactly how you're seeing it. You validated her feelings the first time she complained, which was the right way to go.

However, people who complain about the same thing more than a few times aren't looking for a solution, they're just looking to complain. It's pretty crazy to me that she thinks her husband doesn't have time for her.

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This seems like a role reversal of the stereotypical working man who thinks his wife doesn't have time or energy for him when she's at home all day juggling everything while he's working late or is out at the bar or something. It's wild that she's complaining to you guys while *she's away from home.*

TemptingPenguin369 − NTA. She has the time; she chooses to spend it doing something else. She's the one who doesn't have time for Jack, so she has to be part of the solution. She has to decide how to spend her nonwork hours. She could easily give up one night out a week and spend time with her husband. It gets old having to hear the complaints when the solution is obvious and she ignores it.

JennnnnP − Info: has she been more specific about what she means by him “not having time for her”…? It just seems - logistically - like if he’s home full time and she works long hours, that it would be hard for anyone to believe that their lack of time together could be solely his fault.

When she gets home in the evenings, is he cold and distant? Does he ask her about her day and sit down to dinner with her or does he dip out and play video games until midnight? Based on the info given, I’d say NTA. It just seems kinda odd that you seem to be alone in your assessment of the situation unless there’s more to the story.

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I’ve been a SAHM and a WFH mom to a husband who works long hours out of the house. When 2 people have such different types of days and different burdens, it does take a lot of understanding and effort from both sides to stay on the same page.

Redditors rallied behind the friend’s logic, but some questioned her tact. Their takes are spicy, but do they capture the full mess of friendship and marriage? This marital drama has everyone debating truth versus sensitivity.

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This tale of tough love shows how fast a friend’s advice can spark a firestorm. Pointing out Tori’s packed schedule was a bold move, but her tears reveal the sting of truth delivered without cushion. Balancing career and love is a universal juggle, and friends often bear the brunt of venting. Have you ever given or gotten advice that hit too close to home? Share your stories—what would you do in this friend’s shoes?

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