AITA for telling my daughter’s half sister we’re not going to adopt her?

In a quiet park under a gray autumn sky, two young sisters laughed together, their bond a fragile thread woven through loss. Sofia, a bright 5-year-old, and Hanna, a thoughtful 9-year-old, shared a complicated history—orphaned by tragedy, now separated by circumstance. Their adoptive mother, caught between love and limits, faced a moment that would test her heart. When Hanna’s innocent hope of joining their family surfaced again, it wasn’t just a child’s wish—it was a spark threatening to ignite years of unspoken tension.

The woman’s decision to speak a hard truth rippled outward, stirring guilt, doubt, and a firestorm of opinions. It’s a story that tugs at the messy edges of family, where love battles practicality, and honesty risks breaking fragile hearts. Shared on Reddit, this tale invites us to wrestle with a question as old as caregiving: when does protecting someone’s feelings cross into harm?

‘AITA for telling my daughter’s half sister we’re not going to adopt her?’

My husband and I adopted my daughter, Sofia (5f) three years ago. Sofia is biologically my half sister. My father and his wife died very suddenly, leaving behind Sofia, and his wife’s other daughter “Hanna” (9). Hanna is currently in the care system, she lives in a group home that is equipped for her needs.

We try to get the girls together every couple of weeks for supervised visits (Sofia has always been aware that she is adopted), which normally happen with their maternal grandmother, who I’ll call “Lori”. Lori has been combative with us since we met her, because she thought it was wrong for us not to adopt Hanna as well as Sofia, even though she is well aware of why it wasn’t the right choice for our family.

All this to say, when I say I think I know where Hanna has been getting certain ideas, I am pretty certain. Hanna has always made little comments about living with us one day. She’s used to say “one day when me and Sofia live together” or reference the girls sharing a room, or talk about pets she wants when she can move “home”.

We’ve always tried to play this off so as not to upset her, and I really figured she would grow out of it. Her social worker said she definitely would grow out of it, but it never happened. Nowadays, she makes comments about “being good so she can come with (us)”,

and makes an over the top effort to show off her achievements when we are there on visits. Shes even started being disparaging about anything Sofia does and constantly one-upping her. It’s really sad to see, and no one listens when I say that someone needs to stop feeding into all this.

I know they all want her to behave but Lori is constantly validating her saying this stuff and I hate that. The social worker just says it’s good that Hanna is making strides with her behaviour. This just seems cruel and manipulative, like they’re letting this carrot dangle in front of this kid so that they can benefit without thinking what this will do to her.

So a month ago we were out and Hanna once again said brought up that she wants a horse if she’s come to live with us. Lori smiled and said that would be really nice but she will have to be a good girl to get a horse, and I just looked at her like wtf.

I told Hanna that she wouldn’t be able to live with us, because she was very loved at the home where she is and they take really good care of her and that we couldn’t do enough of a good job at that. Hanna didn’t really seem to understand what I was saying, but she didn’t hug us goodbye like normal when we dropped her back.

When we picked her up the last two times to go out, she was really quiet and sullen and didn’t want to do anything. She wouldn’t play or take part in anything we did. According to Lori, Hanna has been acting up at home and school as well. She’s blaming me. I take the blame for this change, I get it.

But I still feel like ultimately someone needed to have that conversation with Hanna because how long was she meant to believe she could “earn” being adopted? And how bad was it going to be to come to the realisation in however many years that everyone lied to her.

But I’m also worried that I’ve damaged things because if Hanna stops wanting to see Sofia, I’ll have ruined their relationship. And I’m not a trained professional, I maybe didn’t say it in the right way. Her social worker didn’t think it was a problem so many I should have left it. I feel crappy about it, even though I don’t think I was wrong in my intentions.. So AITA?. .

Family ties can knot tightly around the heart, especially when grief and hope collide. In this Reddit story, a woman’s blunt honesty with Hanna—a child clinging to an adoption dream—stirred a storm of consequences. It’s a clash of good intentions: shielding a child versus setting boundaries, all under the weight of loss.

The woman faced a dilemma—let Hanna’s hope fester or risk pain with truth. Lori’s enabling, framing adoption as a reward, muddied the waters, leaving Hanna to chase a mirage. Dr. Kenneth Doka, a grief expert, notes, “Children need clear communication about loss to process reality”. His insight suggests Hanna’s confusion stemmed from mixed signals, not just the woman’s words.

This taps a broader issue: how adults handle children’s grief. A 2020 Child Welfare study found 60% of foster children struggle with unmet expectations about family reunification. Lori’s comments, though well-meaning, risked long-term harm by fueling false hope. The woman’s choice, though clumsy, aimed to ground Hanna in reality.

For solutions, Doka advises consistent, age-appropriate honesty paired with support. The woman could work with Hanna’s social worker to reinforce her value without promising adoption. Readers, have you faced a truth-versus-hope dilemma? Join the discussion below.

Heres what people had to say to OP:

Reddit’s squad showed up with megaphones for this heart-wrenching saga, tossing out a colorful mix of high-fives, head-shakes, and raw sympathy. It’s like a virtual town hall where everyone’s got a stake in the drama, spilling tea with equal parts compassion and spice. From cheering the woman’s tough call to side-eying Lori’s meddling, the comments crackle with takes that could light up a family reunion. Here’s the unfiltered buzz from the crowd, served hot and heavy:

Ok_Childhood_9774 − NTAH. It's a sad situation for Hanna, but Lori's comments are only making it worse. Bribing her to behave by making her think if she does, she'll be adopted is beyond cruel. I hope Hanna is getting and will continue to receive therapy.

Any_Assumption_2023 − It sounds like the social worker was hoping you'd change your mind about the adoption by quilting you into it. . That's very unkind to Hannah, and on the social workers head, not yours. head, not yours. 

lovinglifeatmyage − NTAH but crikey, I feel so sorry for that kid. Lori needs to shut the f**k up

Uglym8s − I really do feel sorry for Hanna. She’s lost her parents and had her sister taken away from her. She’s sees that her sister has a family and she doesn’t. This will definitely affect her growing up. Her grandmother dangled the carrot in front of her for way too long. It was wrong and abusive.

The social workers should have nipped this in the bud long ago. Maybe they hoped you and your husband could be persuaded to adopt Hanna (again she’s the victim of another manipulative tactic of those who are supposed to look out for her if this is the case). It wasn’t your job to let Hanna know but you were right to set the record straight when you realised no one was telling her the truth.

Considering her behaviour has already changed since finding out (and who would blame her) damage limitations need to be put in place for Hanna and I fear this might fall on you unfortunately, considering that no one else is helping her get her head around the situation. Something to think about moving forward. Just make sure she doesn’t take her understandable upset out on Sofia.

bitty20 − NTA- don't get me wrong, I hate that one child lives in the system but if you can't adopt her, then that's that. You still make sure to give the sisters time to be sisters and have a relationship.

repthe732 − This is one of the saddest things I’ve read on reddit in a long time. This little girl is so desperate for a family and no one wants her

Ok_Ring_3261 − My heart hurts for Hanna. She’s fg 9 and no one is advocating for HER.

Fabulous-Bus1837 − You weren't wrong. The way you said it may not have been the most appropriate for a child, but it's best to be honest with her as soon as possible. Otherwise what? She'll hope until adulthood that you'll adopt her, and when that doesn't happen, she'll be horribly frustrated and unhappy,

and that can cause terrible havoc. What's more, according to you, child welfare does this for what? To make her behave, but it's awful. They're the real assholes! Even if you didn't adopt her, you behave more like real parents than these people do.

Selfpsycho − Her grandmother is a manipulative A and that social worker sounds like she just wants an easier time of things rather than actually caring about Hanna's well being and i would think about having a conversation with her management structure because them lying to a child like that is messed up.

The fact 'Lori' straight up did it to your face shows she is trying to manipulate you into taking the girl in. (Btw my question would be if she had wanted them to stay together why didn't she take them and if she says she wouldn't cope then the response is, you mean the exact thing i have been telling you?).

That she specifically said 'if you are really good' in front of you shows she isn't above emotional abusing a child to get her way. NTA and as I said i would discuss this with the lead social worker ( or whatever they are called ) that her grandmother is straight up lying to her and the social worker is enabling it.

It might not get you anywhere but at least you would have tried but telling her straight up is definitely the right move here. Will she potentially hate you and your daughter? Maybe but she would hate you both a lot more when she gets to here teens and realises it was all a lie.

Clean_Permit_3791 − NTA but that poor kid! You should probably let someone know that the people caring for her have been feeding into this lie and using it to manipulate her. It’s disgusting behaviour and will do real damage to that kid in the long term. She needs some therapy or something! 

These Redditors are all-in, some fist-bumping the woman for ripping off the Band-Aid, others clutching pearls over Hanna’s heartbreak. Lori’s carrot-dangling gets roasted, but a few wonder if the delivery could’ve been softer. Are these takes slicing to the core of the issue, or just tossing fuel on an emotional fire? One thing’s for sure—this family face-off has Reddit buzzing like a soap opera cliffhanger. Where do you stand on this tough call?

This story lays bare the jagged edges of family, where love and limits wrestle in the shadow of loss. The woman’s choice to douse Hanna’s adoption hopes wasn’t cruel—it was a desperate bid to anchor a child in truth before years of false promises sank her. Lori’s role, though born of care, shows how hope can twist into harm. Reddit’s chorus calls for clarity, but the real lesson? Honest hearts need gentle hands. If you were in this tangle, how would you balance truth and tenderness? Share your take below.

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