AITA for telling my daughter to give up on her dreams?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a quiet home office, a doctor reflects on her youngest daughter’s tearful call, grappling with rejection from a medical internship. With her own prestigious career and her eldest’s brilliance as a backdrop, she delivers a dose of tough love, urging her daughter to abandon her medical dreams for a path better suited to her strengths. But the silence that follows, and the family’s outrage, cast a shadow over her intentions.

This Reddit tale pulses with the ache of parental guidance gone awry, as a mother’s blunt advice fractures her bond with her daughter. With a mix of conviction and regret, it captures the tension between protecting a child’s future and nurturing their aspirations, resonating with anyone navigating tough family talks.

‘AITA for telling my daughter to give up on her dreams?’

Basically, I am a doctor who graduated from one of the top med schools in the country. Because of this, I know what it takes to make it as a doctor. My eldest daughter is also on a medical track: she goes to a top 20 school and is excelling. She is a junior, and will probably get into one of the best med schools next year.

My youngest daughter is not like us. For my eldest daughter and I, math and science come more naturally. It’s not something we need to work hard at. My youngest daughter, however, really struggles with these topics. In college, she has to study for her STEM classes for hours and hours just to get the average grade at a school that’s not very difficult.

My daughter, to her credit, is a VERY hard worker and I admire that. However, that hard work could be placed to a field that she can really excel in instead of being a doctor; she will always struggle in med school, but she can take her talents elsewhere and become an amazing law or business major.

The drama is that she called me yesterday and told me she had trouble getting accepted with an internship, and asked if she could work with me this summer. I basically told her she should reconsider the medical professions because she spends all day studying and she is barely average, and I don’t think she can succeed as a doctor.

BUT I reassured her that it’s okay and she can find something else to shine in. On the phone she was really quiet, and I ended the phone call with “I love you”. After this, I have my eldest daughter, ex-husband, mother, and siblings spamming me and telling me to apologize.

Youngest won’t even pick up the phone. I understand that her feelings may have been hurt and while that’s valid, I think tough love will help her in the future. For example, it may have hurt her feelings when she was younger because I wouldn’t let her eat cookies for dinner, but as a parent you need to protect your children, even when it hurts them in the short term..

This career clash unveils the delicate balance of parental guidance versus autonomy. A doctor, seeing her youngest daughter struggle with pre-med STEM courses, advised her to pivot from a medical career, citing her average grades despite intense effort. The daughter’s silence and family backlash highlight a misstep in delivery. Child psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour notes, “Tough love can backfire when it feels like rejection rather than support” .

The mother’s perspective, rooted in her own ease with science and her eldest’s success, reflects a high bar—40% of parents in high-achieving fields expect similar paths for their children , but aptitude isn’t solely tied to natural talent determination, like her daughter’s, often bridges gaps.

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Her blunt phone call, likening career advice to denying cookies, dismissed her daughter’s emotional investment in medicine, possibly influenced by family legacy. Dr. Damour’s work on adolescent identity suggests in-person, empathetic dialogue could’ve softened the message, exploring why medicine matters to her. The family’s unified criticism, from ex-husband to siblings, signals a perceived lack of support, amplifying the daughter’s hurt.

For resolution, the mother could apologize for her delivery, affirming her daughter’s effort while gently discussing career options. Offering the internship, with mentorship to test her fit for medicine, could rebuild trust. This story prompts reflection on guiding children’s dreams with care, balancing realism with encouragement in pivotal moments.

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Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit users largely labeled the mother the asshole (YTA), criticizing her for undermining her daughter’s hard work and dreams. They argued her “tough love” felt like a put-down, comparing her unfavorably to the “golden child” eldest. Many urged support, noting that struggling students can still succeed in medicine with perseverance, and she should let her daughter find her own path.

Some users saw her intent as protective (NAH or ESH), acknowledging med school’s rigor but faulting her harsh delivery over the phone. They suggested she mentor her daughter to explore her fit for medicine, not dismiss her outright. The community emphasized that effort, not just talent, shapes success, and her daughter deserved encouragement to grow through challenges.

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ChiefSavageMan − YTA. Sounds like you're holding her against a standard set by yourself and the golden child. As a struggling student who is the younger brother of a prodigy, this kind of stuff really sucks for her. She's a hard worker which is what counts,

and if she really can't succeed in this field she needs to figure it out for herself. She's not going to accept that just because you think it. I would be supportive of her while she figures out what's she doing in this part of her life.

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Tatttwink − YTA. As a mother you should support your children regardless of the difficulties they are faced with. Who’s to say she won’t reach the same goal but just face some more obstacles? Apologize and try to be a better person going forward.

magictubesocksofjoy − YTA - i don't really understand your problem here. so she struggles? oh. ok. lots of people do. but here you have a kid who is so damned hard-working and determined that she's doing it. why are you acting like you're ashamed of her?. why are you getting in her way instead of helping her achieve her goals?. TAKE. YOUR. DAUGHTER. TO. WORK.

0340am − NAH: med school is tough, the job is even worse. You need to have certain personality traits and a certain level of intelligence to excel at it. Maybe she just doesn't have what it takes (and I don't mean that she is in any way worse than your other child or you).

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YTA: my only issue is, why did you tell her that on the phone? You should've talked to her in person and explain why you think she should do something else. Maybe she struggles because it's not really what she wants to do.

Is being a doctor her dream/plan? Or is it just because a big part of her family followed this path? What are her other options? You just dumped your opinion onto her without following up or showing an alternative.

FlightyTwilighty − YTA. Based on everyone's reactions it sounds like you really mishandled that conversation.

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tethysian − YTA. Maybe she'll fail but she needs to have that experience on her own, not by having her mother put her down and saying she isn't good enough, because that's probably what it feels like to her. You're not protecting her, you're hurting your relationship with her.

[Reddit User] − NAH. This one is tough. You're not being malicious. You're her mother and you've grown up with her for two decades. Pre-med is brutal, medical school is even worst, and residency is hell. If she's struggling now, it'll only get worst. I don't think entertaining other career options is a horrible idea.

recreational − NTA We live in a culture that places a lot of emphasis on the importance of 'never giving up' and 'pursuing your dreams.' The problem is that while this can produce Cinderalla stories about inspiring CEOs who rose from nothing, tons of the time it's toxic and harmful and causes people to endure stress and suffering of their own design.

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A lot more people burnout and die of ODs and suicide trying to become big Hollywood stars or famous musicians than actually succeed at those tasks (and of course lots of them then do those things even when they *do* succeed in becoming famous.)

Twice in my life I have given up on dreams that I had spent years on and untold sweat and blood and passion, dreams I really wanted to pursue.. They were probably the best two decisions of my life. There's absolutely nothing wrong with giving up on a dream, sometimes it's completely necessary.

The reality is that no one is suited to be a success in every possible field. That doesn't mean you can't walk away with valuable lessons and experiences from that effort. I wanted to be a professional chef and then a soldier.

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Those dreams went up in smoke but I learned a lot along the way that I bring with me now as a teacher, a job that I've found I *am* actually good at and suited for. You won't get a ton of support for it in this thread or rl, probably;

'Pursue your dreams no matter what' is just catchier on a motivational poster and makes people feel good to say. But you're doing the right thing and giving your daughter the advice that will actually help her in life, and that's worth putting up with people thinking you're an a**hole.

Squirrelthing − 'My youngest daughter is not like us.'. Wow. YTA

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trailrider − ESH. Let me start by say that I kinda share you're daughter's story in that, growing up in the 80's, I would've been labeled an 'at risk' teen. I smoked weed, was in trouble a lot, long hair, dirty denim jacket with rack band patches on them, etc. My grades weren't exactly stellar.

That said, today I'm a professionally licensed electrical engineer. Not something I EVER thought I would be doing. I joined the Navy out of HS, then went to trade school after that, and eventually college. I guess what I'm saying is that you never know where life will take you. That said, as a realist, I get where you're coming from.

She's struggling like hell in what you or I would consider 'basic' courses and you see the writing on the wall. Rather than see her put in all that time and effort for what will likely not be a good turn out, steer her towards her strengths.

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I guess my question is this: Are you the type of parent that has hyped up med school to the point she'll feel like a failure if she doesn't meet your expectations? Are you 'that type' of parent? If so, then of course she's gonna be resentful of this recommendation.

OTOH, maybe she's very driven and wants to be a doc. IDK. If that's the case, I really don't blame you per-sie. I guess it's gonna take a lot of reflection and honesty on her part. That said, as I'm sure you're aware...school isn't necessarily an indicator if someone will be good at something. Remember...Einstein couldn't balance a checkbook.

This medical dream saga carries a bittersweet lesson a mother’s attempt to steer her daughter’s future dimmed her spark, but opens a chance for deeper support. It’s a reminder that guiding dreams requires heart as much as wisdom. Share your thoughts below how do you balance tough love with nurturing a child’s ambitions?

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