AITA for telling my daughter she can’t come over for the holidays if she brings her partners?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a quiet suburban home, the glow of Christmas lights flickers with anticipation, but a family’s holiday cheer is dimmed by a brewing conflict. A mother, steadfast in her Baptist faith, faces a heart-wrenching dilemma: her eldest daughter, now embracing a bold new identity, wants to bring her polyamorous partners to the family’s Christmas gathering. The mother’s refusal sparks tension, leaving her torn between faith, family, and love.

The air is thick with unspoken words as the mother grapples with her daughter’s transformation—new pronouns, new style, and a life that feels worlds away from their shared past. Readers can’t help but wonder: is her stance a protective shield for her younger daughter, or a wedge driving her family apart?

‘AITA for telling my daughter she can’t come over for the holidays if she brings her partners?’

My daughter moved away 2 years ago to attend university. Since starting school she has gone through many changes as a person - many of which I find difficult to get behind. She's rejected and mocked our faith, rebranded her entire indentity, and now lives in some kind of threesome situation.

We've argued and fought over many things repeatedly over these past couple years. When the lockdown began it gave ample opportunity to give space between us as she didn't visit at all for the summer or even this Thanksgiving. Our interactions have broken down to the occasional phone call and overall the seperation has helped us be more amicable.

I've accepted her new hobbies and dress I use the pronouns she prefers when speaking to her. That being said, my husband and my younger daughter are really admit about having her stay over during Christmas break this year. They miss seeing and has spent the past couple weeks trying to convince me to allow her to come.

I'm extremly wary to have her come as things have gotten better mostly because we've been so apart. Regardless, I relented and decided to invite her. In my last call with her, I asked her to come over for the holidays. She was being hesitant in giving me a straight answer but ultimately said alright.

She however wanted to bring her partners with her. I flatly told her that I wouldn't allow that. She tried to argue her side but I honestly was not willing to shake my stance. I told her if she wanted to come for the holidays she would have to come alone. She told me wasn't coming, and that was it.

My husband has tried to get me to call her back but I haven't done so so far. I do not want to invite attention that lifestyle to my younger daughter, and frankly I think it's wierd for her to be dating two people at once. Still my family won't stop prodding me about this - which is starting to affect the way I feel about how I handeled the situation.

Edit: Adressing a lot of questions and responses individually would take a lot of time so here's a few bullet point responses.. - Our family is Baptist, thus out faith does have a very clearly defined moral code. My husband is understands how connected I am to my faith, that is why I get the final say in this. He is in no way a weak man..

My youngest is understanding of this too.. My eldest knows I refer to her as my daughter. Whether she wanted her partners going to stay with us or they were going to stay somewhere else was not discussed between us. There is an underlying fear of COVID - which is another thing I have to protect my youngest from.. Of course I love my daughter.

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Family dynamics can be a minefield when values collide, and this mother’s struggle is a stark reminder of that. The Reddit user’s refusal to welcome her daughter’s partners reflects a deeper clash between personal beliefs and evolving identities. On one side, the mother clings to her Baptist roots, which emphasize traditional family structures. On the other, her daughter’s polyamorous relationship and new identity challenge those norms, creating a rift that feels unbridgeable.

This situation mirrors a broader societal shift. According to a 2021 Gallup poll, acceptance of non-traditional relationships like polyamory has grown, with 20% of Americans now viewing it as morally acceptable, up from 7% a decade ago (source: Gallup). Yet, for many rooted in faith, such changes can feel like a betrayal of core values.

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Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, once said, “The greatest gift parents can give their children is the permission to be themselves” (source: Gottman Institute). Applied here, Gottman’s wisdom suggests the mother’s conditional invitation risks alienating her daughter, potentially fracturing their bond. Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement, but it does mean creating space for dialogue. The mother’s fear of exposing her younger daughter to “that lifestyle” may stem from love, but it could also signal control, stifling her eldest’s authenticity.

For solutions, open communication is key. The mother could propose a compromise, like hosting a shorter visit where boundaries are respectfully discussed. Family therapy, guided by a neutral professional, could also help navigate these choppy waters, fostering understanding without sacrificing anyone’s values.

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Check out how the community responded:

Reddit’s hot takes are as spicy as a holiday fruitcake left out too long! The community didn’t hold back, with many calling the mother out for gatekeeping her daughter’s happiness. Here’s what they had to say:

Mysterious-System680 − YTA. Why, if your husband and younger daughter want your older daughter to stay for the holidays, do you think that you and you alone should get to make that call? You are being very selfish. As for your concerns about your younger daughter seeing her sister's relationship, I would be more concerned about the risk of harm you could cause her by showing her that your love is conditional.

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throwaways1127 − YTA. If it was for wanting to reduce the risk of getting covid and not because you 'dont want to expose your youngest daughter to that lifestyle' then maybe the answer would be a little different.... and if the child you're referring to in this post doesn't use she/hers pronouns, why are you using them here?

Plastic_Fangs − So you strictly speaking have the right to refuse entry into your home to anyone for any kind of reason.. However rejecting your child's romantic partners on the basis of there being two of them makes you TA What pronouns does your child use? You refer to then as your daughter here, and use she/her,

but also say that you only use the preferrer pronoun when speaking to them this also makes you hugely TAYou also seem to have some issue with the way your adult child dresses, this is none of your business.. In short - YTA you're destroying your relationship with your kid.

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[Reddit User] − I've accepted her new hobbies and dress I use the pronouns she prefers when speaking to her. But not when talking about her to other people, right? Because you don’t actually accept her, you’ll just say what you have to in front of her as to not have a fight with your family.

SnakesCantWearPants − YTA. Let's start before your debate bait about polyamorous relationships. You clearly haven't accepted your child like you claim you have. If you've reached a point of, 'I love my child, but only if they're nowhere near me' and you had to be begged by her father,

and sister for weeks to even let just them visit for Christmas because you don't want them there, they your relationship with your child hasn't improved and you don't love or accept them at all, you've just found a way to reject them from your life, keep them out of the family,

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and ignore everything about who they is as a person while still being able to claim you're mending the relationship and pat yourself on the back for it. As for the situation with the partners, you are also TA there. Your child's father wants to see them.

Their sister wants to see them. But you have unilaterally decided, apparently against the wishes of your co-parent, that their relationship must bar them from the family because of *your* judgment about it. It's not surprising that they're not coming.

It seems the only people in their life who have an actual relationship with them are their partners Why would they want to spend their holiday away from people who care for and accept them in favor of a mother who doesn't? You have made that decision for everyone. You are sabotaging your child's relationship with their father and sister by acting as the gatekeeper to the family.

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Which just makes you controlling, a disrespectful partner and co-parent to your husband, and an overall selfish human being. Edit: Corrected pronouns after realizing that your child is either trans or non-binary and you just spent your entire post mis-gendering them after claiming to have accepted their preferred pronouns.

abdulqeuriss − Yta and bigot

LimitlessMegan − Edited to change all “she” pronouns to they. That was my instinct too but second guessed it. You use the right pronouns when speaking to “her” so I’m assuming the she/her ones you are using here are NOT the pronouns your daughter identifies with.... You’ve “accepted” their new hobbies and dress??

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They (I really hate knowing I’m using the wrong pronouns here but don’t know their preference) lives in a “threesome” you say as if the concept of being polyamorous hasn’t been explained to you. And somehow you can use Reddit but can’t figure out how to use Google or YouTube to get some more insight on that relationship style. So.

Your daughter is poly, trans (hence pronouns) and I’m guessing then also Queer. They left the o**ression of your religion which told them for their whole life that who they were and how they felt were sins and wrong and they found them self, their confidence and they’re finally happy.

But you call that “rebranding” like it’s all just choices they’ll change their mind on later. You’re a bigot and YTA. How about you let your husband and other daughter have a relationship with the person they love and get to meet their life partners while YOU stay away for Christmas.

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thatoneredditorbitch − Yta This would be a completely different conversation if they accepted your religion and chose a nice young man who also accepted it. Things change, people change, this is always who they has been but was probably to scared to show it because of how you are. Honestly if you can’t accept them for who they are consider this your funeral. Is this really the hill to die on?

queertheories − YTA This is how you lose your kids forever. I’m gay, my dad hates my wife, I haven’t spoken to him in a year and a half and I don’t plan to ever again. Your child is who they are. You can’t change them. So you can love them for who they are or be a bad mom. 🤷🏻 Your choice. Edited to correct pronouns. You’re also an a**hole for referring to this child as a girl when they have told you they aren’t one.

memes56437 − What's more important to you: your relationship with your child, or keeping behavior you don't agree with out of your house? If you continue down this path, you're likely to end up pushing away all your family but you'll have your moral high ground to stand alone on.. Edited to fix gendering.

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These opinions are fiery, but do they capture the full picture, or are they just Reddit’s classic keyboard courage at play?

This family’s holiday saga is a messy blend of love, faith, and stubbornness. The mother’s heart may be in the right place, but her ultimatum risks pushing her daughter further away. Families evolve, and so must the ways we show love. What would you do if faced with a similar clash of values? Share your thoughts—how would you balance faith, family, and acceptance in this tricky situation?

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