AITA for telling my daughter her dad can’t afford to send her to private school?

Picture a cozy living room, where a 14-year-old’s dreams of a top-tier STEM school hang in the balance, overshadowed by her dad’s shiny new sports car parked outside. A divorced mom, caught between honesty and tact, faces a tough call: how do you explain to your teen why her future’s on hold? This story unfolds in the messy aftermath of a once-amicable co-parenting setup, now strained by flashy spending and broken promises.

The mother’s choice to tell her daughter the truth about her father’s financial priorities sparked a firestorm with her ex. With college funds dwindling and a private school out of reach, the stakes are high. This tale pulls readers into a relatable tug-of-war between shielding a child and owning the truth, set against the backdrop of post-divorce family dynamics.

‘AITA for telling my daughter her dad can’t afford to send her to private school?’

I’m divorced. My ex and I have a 9 year old and 14 year old who we co-parent amicably. (Weeks here in the school district, weekends/holidays at his new place.) When we got married we shared similar financial goals in terms of saving and spending.

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Pretty standard stuff that we took vacations and made indulgences occasionally but saved for the basics like emergencies, college payments, and retirement. A while ago he got remarried to a woman whose philosophy is, I’m quoting here, “Spend it if you’ve got it because you can’t take it with you.”

When we initially divorced I didn’t request any alimony because our spending and saving goals were identical and he was caring for them for plenty enough time. Any extra money he sent my way would just get saved up, anyways, which at the time is what he was doing with it.

Now he’s buying sports cars, new computers, time share properties, all kinds of lavish stuff that he could only afford if he didn’t have kids. His second wife has older kids (21, 26) and is essentially of the mindset that they’re on their own after 18 and why should she be saving for their lives when they can work?

He is no longer making contributions to the college fund and has blown through a good portion of the savings money we set aside for the kids. I work, but he makes significantly more, as I took time off after each birth to care for the children, which set me back quite a bit in terms of advancement.

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This significantly impacts what we’ll be able to pass down to our children in the long run after we die, in the short run it’s already impacted daily life. Our 14 year old qualified for a private STEM high school but cannot attend because her dad cannot make the payments.

When she asked why she wouldn’t be attending the school I told her that her dad couldn’t make his half of the payment and it was too much for me to cover independently. She said that did not make sense (because she knows he has a more high powered job and nicer material goods than I do), so I told her (in an age appropriate manner) that he’d chosen to spend the money elsewhere.

My ex is calling me the a**hole for telling her this, saying I should’ve made something up or told her to ask him about it. On the one hand, I really don’t feel comfortable lying to my daughter about matters that directly concern her. On the other, I feel like an a**hole for saying anything that gets in between their relationship.. AITA for telling her the real circumstances behind not attending the school?

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Telling a teen the truth about a parent’s financial choices is a tightrope walk. Dr. Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist and author, notes in her work with the New York Times that “teens crave honesty from parents, especially about issues affecting their future.” The mother’s decision to explain her ex’s spending reflects this, but it’s stirred conflict. Her ex’s shift from shared savings goals to lavish purchases with his new wife, who dismisses post-18 support, left the daughter’s STEM school dreams unattainable.

The mother’s honesty addressed her daughter’s confusion head-on, respecting her maturity at 14. Yet, the ex’s anger highlights a clash: he wants control over his image, while she prioritizes transparency. A 2022 study in Family Relations shows 60% of co-parents struggle with financial disputes post-divorce, often impacting kids’ opportunities. Here, the ex’s spending prioritizes his new life over his kids’ future.

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Dr. Damour advises, “Parents should model accountability, even when it’s uncomfortable.” The mother’s age-appropriate explanation avoided vilifying her ex but clarified the situation. Moving forward, she could explore legal options, like revisiting child support, as suggested by Child Support Guidelines.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

The Reddit squad jumped in like neighbors at a backyard barbecue, dishing out support with a side of spice. They had plenty to say about the mom’s honesty and the dad’s flashy choices. Here’s the raw scoop from the crowd:

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DoughnutMinimum − NTA. I might have a different judgement if she were younger, but at 14, she's old enough to be told and understand the truth. You certainly should not have made something up, or given him the opportunity to make something up.

Itarin − NTA he's gambling away his and the children's life savings to live a life of a 20-year-old b**tard. If he didn't want his daughter knowing the truth, then he should have still contributed to her education.

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gapeach2333 − NTA. I feel like this one is going to be controversial, but I’m on your side. I don’t think you should lie to kids, (especially just before high school when you’ll need them to trust you) and while I think it’s completely up to your ex how he spends his money, he should have to discuss that with his kids when it effects them.

nimatoad62 − NTA, you were honest and he’s just mad that the truth makes him look bad.

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FRANPW1 − NTA. I went through something similar when I was her age. My Mom didn’t tell me because she didn’t want me to think less of my Father. However, my Grandmother told me the truth about that and the rest of the finances.

I was then, and I am now, very appreciative in the decades since that my Grandmother told me the truth. I had no illusions about my Father. Additionally, my Mother was glad too that I knew the truth.. Please look into getting the proper amount of child support and alimony. Good luck to you.

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Better_Twist − NTA, your husbands a p**ck and maybe speak to a lawyer (if you guys sighned a contract). Also research some grants and aid because your daughter might be able to apply for some scholarships etc.

Biteme75 − NTA. I don't think you said anything inappropriate. It's not like you told your daughter that her dad would rather spend his money on his second wife than on his own kid.

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Hamilspud − NTA, but YWBTA if you don’t take this man to court to protect your daughter’s future. He has a responsibility to her, and you didn’t get it in writing during the divorce because at the time he was being responsible and doing the right things.

Now he’s not doing the right thing and you need to get the courts involved so they will order him to pay for her schooling and to contribute to her college fund. She should not have the suffer because he’s decided buying shiny things for his new wife is more important than his daughter’s future.

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wind-river7 − NTA. He wants the 14 yr old to be an adult in this situation, instead of being the adult himself. Too bad if he doesn't like the truth. I would also look into blocking him from the educational account, before he completely drains it.

DemonicSymphony − NTA he dug this grave for himself. But might be time to demand child support if it would mean her getting to go.. Edit: autocorrect

These Redditors cheered the mom’s candor, slamming the dad’s spending as a betrayal of parental duty. Some urged legal action, while others saw the daughter’s right to know as paramount. But do these hot takes capture the full story, or are they just fanning the flames?

This saga of a mom’s truth-telling reveals the tricky balance of co-parenting and financial fairness. By choosing honesty, she empowered her daughter but ruffled her ex’s feathers. It’s a stark reminder that kids notice when priorities shift, and parents must navigate those truths carefully. How would you handle explaining a co-parent’s choices to your teen? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

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