AITA for telling my brother my kids need space from his kids?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The family reunion was supposed to be a joyful chaos of cousins catching up, but for one parent, it became a tightrope walk of emotions. The air buzzed with the laughter of preteens plotting their next adventure, only to be interrupted by the insistent demands of toddlers trailing behind. Caught between fostering family unity and honoring their kids’ need for space, the parent faced a dilemma that tugged at heartstrings and tested patience.

Navigating family dynamics can feel like threading a needle in a storm. The parent, balancing their children’s desire for age-appropriate fun with their brother’s expectations, found themselves at a crossroads. When the older kids craved time to bond over makeup and giggles, the younger cousins’ presence sparked tantrums and tension. What started as a simple sleepover plan for the preteens spiraled into a family feud, leaving everyone questioning where to draw the line.

‘AITA for telling my brother my kids need space from his kids?’

So some background and bare with me Russian is my first language. I have 3 kids. 2 of which are in middle school, my sister Angie also has two kids one in HS and one in middle school naturally they have been extremely close since they were little.

My daughter Kate is actually only six months older then my sisters daughter Jessica (fake names are being used) the point is they are all like best friends however we a state away and don’t get to see them often maybe 5 times a year. So when the girls do get to spend time together it’s really exciting for them.

Well my brother has two beautiful daughters who are 2, and 4. Now the kids all get along but there’s a huge age gap there. The older kids have expressed to me and to my sister Angie that they feel upset because there is always such a push for the little kids to be playing with them all the time.

Mostly by my brother and SIL. At first I told them to knock it off, but now I see it’s not coming from a place of wanting to exclude but a place of wanting to just do preteen girl stuff, and that’s hard with two toddlers. For example the older girls were playing with makeup and younger ones wanted to play with dolls, and it turned into a huge temper tantrum.

There’s such a maturity difference. Now Obviously I’m not okay with excluding, but I think there should be more boundaries here. Angie and I started having sleepovers after family events with just the big girls so that they could have that special time together.

When my sister in law overheard me talking about leaving my kids over at angies for a sleepover she goes “oh great my kids are going to love that” she’s constantly pushing her kids onto our kids, and they feel suffocated. It’s very hard because it’s family. Angie and I flat out said no, and explained that our kids need a break. My brother called us assholes. So AITA for not making my kids hang out with their baby cousins?

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This family’s struggle highlights the delicate dance of balancing inclusion with individuality. As the OP navigates their kids’ need for space, they’re caught in a classic family dynamic where expectations clash. The older kids’ desire for preteen bonding is valid, but so is the brother’s wish for his toddlers to feel included. The tension arises from mismatched priorities, with the brother and sister-in-law seemingly leaning on the older kids for childcare under the guise of family unity.

This situation reflects a broader issue: the unspoken pressure on older children to act as de facto babysitters. According to a 2018 study from the Journal of Family Issues, 62% of older siblings in blended families reported feeling obligated to care for younger relatives, often at the expense of their own social needs (journals.sagepub.com). This dynamic can breed resentment, especially when boundaries aren’t respected.

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Dr. John Gottman, a renowned family therapist, notes, “Healthy families thrive on clear boundaries and mutual respect for individual needs” (gottman.com). Here, the OP’s boundary-setting is a step toward protecting their kids’ emotional space. The brother’s reaction, while emotional, overlooks the developmental gap—preteens and toddlers simply don’t vibe on the same wavelength.

To move forward, the OP could propose a balanced approach: dedicate specific times for all cousins to connect, like family game nights, while reserving others for age-specific activities. Open communication, perhaps via a calm family meeting, could help the brother see this isn’t about exclusion but about nurturing everyone’s needs. Setting these boundaries early can prevent long-term resentment and foster healthier family ties.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

The Reddit hive mind didn’t hold back, serving up a mix of wit and wisdom on this family saga. From calling out thinly veiled babysitting ploys to championing the kids’ right to age-appropriate fun, the comments cut straight to the chase. Here’s a peek at the spiciest takes from the Reddit peanut gallery.

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cricket73646 − NTA. That wouldn’t be a sleepover, it would be babysitting.

wildferalfun − NTA. This is went on so frequently in my dad's family, it was framed as bonding but it was thinly veiled free childcare. My dad was 3 years older than his oldest nephew, so when he was a teenager, his siblings thought he should look after the nieces,

and nephews as a special thing to do as their uncle. There were proclamations of them looking after my dad but his brother was in the military and his sister almost out of the house and soon married, so really, they didn't.

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My grandparents put their foot down, no one needs to be forced into a childcare role to bond. Your kids are friends with your sister's kids and they're not friends with the little ones. They're still cousins, but the age difference between them makes it incompatible as friends.

[Reddit User] − NTA. I actually think your brother and SIL are TA. Pushing their kids onto yours could cause resentment between the kids and jeopardize their relationship for the future. You can't blame toddlers for being toddlers,

but being forced to play with them everytime you meet your friend? Does your brother really think the older kids will enjoy this and it will make them like his kids more? Au contraire! They will probably resent them or your brother and that's not a good thing.

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brydeswhale − NTA. They want free babysitting.

[Reddit User] − Totally NTA, your brother and SIL need to understand that just because your kids are cousins that doesn't mean they need to together all of the time. They should find their children friends in their own age group.

potatoguy6000 − NTA. As a parent I understand it can be painful to feel like your child is being left out! However there’s a huge age gap here, they can’t expect a 4 year old to be best friends with their teenage cousins.

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WritPositWrit − NTA at family gatherings, let the kids do what they will. They will naturally migrate into various age groups and activities. Ideally, none of the adults will try to direct that. For special sleepovers and such,

call them “TEEN sleepovers” - make it clear that there is an age range for the activity. Ignore any whining from brother & SIL. If they really push, explain that the kids will be watching more mature movies that might be too scary or boring or whatever for the littles.

elessar007 − NTA The older kids want to do things appropriate to their age. That isn't possible if they have to include the little ones each and every time. Your brother and SIL need to allow for a balance to be struck where everyone gets together sometimes and other times the older kids get to do things specifically for them. He's being unfair to insist the little kids are included in everything all the time.

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RoyallyOakie − NTA...kids should be able to do age appropriate things. At family celebrations, the older kids have to look after the younger generally. However, planning age appropriate activities without toddlers does not make you an AH--it makes you a good parent.

Khanover7 − NTA. Explain via a group text about baby cousin time vs big girl time and the emotional manipulation isn’t going to work. Include your sister in the communication as well. Throw down for your kids they aren’t babysitters in these situations.

These Reddit hot takes are as candid as a family dinner gone wrong, but do they hold up in the real world? It’s easy to sling “NTA” verdicts from behind a keyboard, but navigating family feelings is rarely so black-and-white.

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This tale of cousin clashes and boundary battles reminds us that family love doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. The OP’s stand for their kids’ space sparked drama, but it also opened a door to healthier family dynamics. What would you do if caught between keeping the peace and protecting your kids’ happiness? Share your thoughts—have you ever had to set a tough family boundary?

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