AITA for telling BIL he shouldn’t be at a family Christmas dinner because he’s not a Christian?

The Christmas table is set: twinkling lights, roasted turkey, and a simmering family feud ready to boil over. Sarah, 25, sits beside her partner, Jeff, soaking in the holiday cheer—until her brother-in-law, Mark, lobs another snide remark about Jeff’s “unofficial” status in the family. For years, Mark’s passive-aggressive jabs about their unmarried life have grated on Sarah’s nerves. This time, with Jeff grieving his father’s recent passing, Sarah’s had enough and fires back, turning a festive dinner into a battleground.

Sarah and Jeff’s love story is one of adventure and devotion, living together for five years with no rush to the altar. Mark, married to Sarah’s sister, seems fixated on their choices, his “jokes” laced with envy over Jeff’s success. When Sarah flips the script, questioning Mark’s place at a Christian holiday as a Jewish man, the room freezes. Was her comeback a justified stand or a step too far?

‘AITA for telling BIL he shouldn’t be at a family Christmas dinner because he’s not a Christian?’

Title may seem horrible but bear with me. Throwaway because I use my main account for business only. This happened last year and I still haven’t spoken with my sister and BIL. I (F 25) and my partner Jeff (27 M) have been living together for almost 5 year now. He asked me to move in with him at his apartment and is such a caring wonderful human being.

And My BIL, my oldest sister's husband, on the other hand has made it very clear since I introduced Jeff to my family, that he (BIL) doesn't approve of our not being married, lol like I needed his approval. He has made a lot of backhanded and passive-aggressive comments about this for years and most of the time we just ignore him and brush it off.

I assume it's partly because he's jealous of Jeff and his accomplishments. I'm not trying to brag, but Jeff's from a wealthy family and a successful businessman. He buys me expensive gifts and we often go on long vacations around the world just the two of us. While BIL is the manager of a small Department Store in our town. I can sense his jealousy towards Jeff through his bitter remarks on our lifestyle etc.

At every family gathering, he would tell us albeit playfully that Jeff shouldn't have come since he's not an actual part of the family AKA he's not my husband and it's a 'family' gathering, which really rubbed me the wrong way. Jeff has always been nothing but smiles and being kind to him and even asked me to just ignore BIL.

I have tried to talk to my sister about this but she always brushed it off as him only making jokes and I should not take it seriously. Last Christmas, we were at my parents' having a Christmas dinner, and again, BIL tried to pull his s**t on us, telling Jeff loudly 'Hey, what are you doing here? This is a family gathering! You shouldn't have come!' And I decided I'd had enough.

Jeff had recently lost his father and I wouldn't let anybody pick on him and make him feel worse. So I said to BIL, also in a light and playful tone 'Maybe YOU shouldn't have come. You're not even a Christian. Uhm, Christmas is a Christian tradition? What are you doing here?' BIL is Jewish by the way. He looked stunned.

The whole table went silent. Jeff kicked me lightly under the table. But that shut BIL off completely because he left us alone for the rest of the dinner. Later that night after everyone had left I had a huge fight with my sister and her husband.

They said it was just a joke and I shouldn't have humiliated BIL like that in front of the whole family. BIL even accused me of being anti-Semitic. I told them I had had enough of BIL and his horrible behaviors. He should just keep his opinions to himself and stop criticizing Jeff and I's relationship. AITA?

Sarah’s Christmas clash with Mark is a textbook case of tit-for-tat gone nuclear. Mark’s relentless “joking” about Jeff’s family status wasn’t harmless—it was bullying dressed in a Santa hat. “Passive-aggressive behavior often masks deeper insecurities,” says Dr. Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist, in a Psychology Today article (source). Mark’s comments, possibly fueled by jealousy, crossed into disrespect, pushing Sarah to mirror his tactic.

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This spat reflects a broader issue: family gatherings amplifying unresolved tensions. A 2021 Pew Research Center study (source) notes that 30% of U.S. adults report family conflicts during holidays, often over differing values. Sarah’s retort, while sharp, wasn’t anti-Semitic—it used Mark’s logic against him. However, it risked escalating cultural sensitivities, as religious identity is deeply personal.

Dr. Heitler advises addressing passive-aggression directly: “Call out the behavior calmly, like, ‘I’d prefer we keep things positive.’” Sarah could’ve privately confronted Mark earlier, but his refusal to own his actions justified her stand.

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Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit brought the holiday heat with their takes, and they’re spicier than mulled wine. Here’s what the community said:

Fragrant_Style_2629 - NTA. Tell them it was a joke and they shouldn't take it seriously.

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bluejasmine050686 - NTA big time 100%. I'm Jewish and NO. You weren't being anti-semitic. You were just throwing his b**lshit back into his face. You were matching his energy to call him out on his s**tty existence of a horrible human being he was. Of course he would pull the anti-semitic card. Assholes do that. Smh at all these y.t.a comments.. If I were you OP, I would have said something worse and he would have run home crying.

Key-Bit1208 - NTA You spent years turning the other cheek to BIL’s rude and childish behavior…this small but effective clap back was way overdue.

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tkdwarriorprincess - NTA. BIL has no problem dishing it out and like all bullies folds when someone fights back.

Few_Rock_4760 - NTA. Don't start none, won't be none.

MaddyKet - Oh you shouldn’t humiliate BIL, but it’s ok for him to do that to Jeff? NTA

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TheWigEmporium - NTA. It seems like from your story that your BIL had a habit of consistently making life uncomfortable for you and your partner, and it was only when you stood up for him did they say it was a joke. I dunno, to me, that’s how a bully reacts when they’re punched back.

Full_Fold_8732 - NTA Christmas is technically a Pagan ritual so you're not completely correct, but I appreciate the effort to get back at him.

Huntokar_Goddess - NTA. What's up with people calling OP anti-semitic? She only followed BIL's logic to bully her SO. But of course the bully would cry anti-semitism. I despise families that allow a member to bully others just to keep 'the peace'. What toxic nonsense. Good for you OP.

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[Reddit User] - NTA. You gave to him what he's been giving to you and your partner for 5 years. Good for you!

These Redditors backed Sarah’s bold move, but does their support hold up outside the online echo chamber? One thing’s clear: Mark’s “jokes” didn’t land as intended.

Sarah’s Christmas showdown was like tossing a snowball that started an avalanche. Years of Mark’s snarky jabs met their match when she flipped his logic, exposing his hypocrisy and silencing the table. Was her quip about his faith too harsh, or did Mark’s bullying deserve that public smackdown? And why did her sister defend his “jokes” but cry foul at Sarah’s retort? If you were at that dinner, would you have cheered Sarah on or cringed? Spill your thoughts below and let’s unwrap this holiday drama!

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