AITA for telling a mother in my women’s group she’s projecting onto childfree women?

Imagine a cozy virtual circle: eight women, Zoom screens aglow, sharing laughs and struggles in a support group born before the pandemic’s haze. A 29-year-old woman, happily childfree, joins hands (digitally, of course) with a mix of moms and one other kid-free ally, all bound by a pact to lift each other up. Moms often vent—kids, chaos, and all—and she’s cool with it, cheering their grit. But during a Sunday meet-up, the vibe shifts when Janet, a mom of three, declares a “primal urge” to mother is universal, and denying it is “delusion.”

Ouch! Our childfree duo bristles, calling it projection—Janet’s own doubts seeping out. Sparks fly, Janet logs off, and a two-week ban lands on the non-moms. Was the pushback fair, or a group foul? The chat’s buzzing with hurt and heat—let’s zoom into this stormy saga!

‘AITA for telling a mother in my women’s group she’s projecting onto childfree women?’

Before the pandemic I (29F) joined a women's support group consisting of eight members. We have a few certain rules and fundamental beliefs that are clearly laid out we won't deviate from, but for the most part we're a general women's support group with women from many walks of life. All are mothers except myself and one other member: We are both happily childfree.

I don't hate kids by any means, and it's been my observation mothers get the short of the end of the stick a lot, so I don't have any qualms how often the topic of conversation veers into the mothers venting about that and all that goes with it. Janet is my age with three kids and does this often. Again, not a problem.

But during our weekly meet-up on Sunday, now held via Zoom due to COVID, Janet and another member started discussing how having children is something women have a 'natural instinct' for, and that it's 'like a primal urge' and 'saying otherwise is deluding yourself.'

They were seemingly speaking generally, but me and the other childfree member still took issue with this. We both agreed out loud Janet was likely projecting onto us because she sometimes questioned her own decisions.

Things got ugly from there. Janet disconnected and the group lead said that we should all take a break for the week. Earlier today, the lead contacted me and said that the rest of the group had voted me and the other childfree member off the island for a two week ban. Her reasoning was we had 'lifestyle shamed' Janet.

She went onto explain what Janet was actually saying was that childfree women should be allowed to change their mind about having children without being shamed. Had Janet said that, I would have agreed, but she didn't.

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I told the lead that I was not interested in re-joining. The other childfree member is upset as this has been her main social circle for nearly a year, and is now saying we were too harsh and should ask Janet for forgiveness to gain entry back into the group. I don't think we should, and that there are other groups we could join for socializing, but am I being an a**hole?

A women’s group should be a safe harbor, but this Zoom call turned choppy when Janet’s “primal urge” claim splashed cold water on childfree members. Our 29-year-old and her ally fired back, spotting projection—Janet’s wobbles about mom life coloring her view. The result? A ban for “lifestyle shaming,” though Janet’s words stung first. Hurt feelings and a group split ensued, leaving trust wobbly.

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This mirrors a broader clash: motherhood versus choice. A 2021 Pew Research study shows 44% of U.S. adults aged 18-49 opt out of kids, citing freedom or finances (source). Dr. Bella DePaulo, a social psychologist, notes, “The idea of a universal maternal instinct is a myth; personal values shape these choices, and shaming either side fuels division” (source).

Dr. DePaulo’s lens fits: Janet’s blanket claim sidelined valid paths, while the ban ignored her jab. A fix? The lead could mediate—hear both sides, clarify intent, and reset respect. Childfree or not, all deserve a voice. Try a new group if bias lingers, and chat openly: “Hey, let’s honor all paths.”

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These are the responses from Reddit users:

Reddit swooped in like a lively crew, serving up sharp takes with a twist of sass—here’s the unfiltered scoop on this group’s showdown. Dive in!

[Reddit User] − NTA. She basically said you guys were delusional for a personal lifestyle choice. She should be voted off the island instead. Honestly just from reading this, I feel like you should find a better group of women for 'support'. They do not seem supportive whatsoever with the bans and the childlike teaming up on people.

cMeeber − NTA. Sounds like the non-moms are being ganged up on. Like, how is what Janet was saying not life style shaming? If you’re saying the truth, Janet literally said that those who weren’t moms are “deluding themselves”...

that’s pretty shame-y and messed up to me. Maybe send them a link to this Reddit thread once everyone has chimed in so they can see how biased and one sided their judgement was.

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ebernal13 − NTA. The other woman is welcome to apologize and go back, if she wants, but I don’t even feel that an apology is necessary. That woman was totally lifestyle shaming you guys and you called her on it. Then they banded together and group-gaslighted you. No thanks babe, later days!

Strawberryandpatch − NTA. Some women are mother material and some other don't. As childfree woman myself, I came to think that 'the primal urge' is more likely society's pressure onto women.. And like you said, there is plenty of other groups to socialize :) (and even fellow Reddit comrades). Anyway, NTA.

MrShineTheDiamond − NTA. A few things: 1) The group leader should have stepped in to tell Janet that what she was saying was rude and inappropriate when child-free women have many reasons to not have kids that are private and often triggering.

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For example: I am child-free because I have to be. I want to be a mom more than anything in the world. It's not my fault my ovaries and uterus are trying to kill me. It's not my fault my body is too broken for me to take care of myself let alone children.

2) The group leader should have never, ever made the issue into a group issue. It's a massive red flag that the group leader thought pulling everyone into the drama was a good idea, or that discipline should be brought to a vote.

At most, she should have asked everyone to privately tell her what happened (if she had missed the argument). The appropriate action would be to have a private meeting with you, your buddy, Janet and her friend to discuss things and to mediate if you all agreed to it. 3) If you and your friend were reprimanded, then so should Janet and her buddy.

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What they said was more damaging than what you did. Discounting non-mothers as unknowable or un understandable is other-ism (don't know if there is a word for it, but the process of making a group appear or sound 'alien' enough so that they are devalued as humans, making them into the 'other' or 'enemy'; kinda stealing the idea from O.S.Card).

Giving Janet a chance to explain what she meant without listening to your side is also utter favoritism and is b**lshit. As much of an AH as Janet is the real AH is the group leader. Even as a bystander, I'd be appalled and quit. I'd strongly suggest finding another group.

[Reddit User] − NTA. The only reason she got so upset and disconnected is because it rang too true.

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SnakesCantWearPants − NTA. But this doesn't have to be a 'we' decision. You and she can make different choices. Your disengaging from the group doesn't mean she has to, and her choosing to go back doesn't mean you have to.

MelodyRaine − NTA, I would ask the lead to please point out where in the transcript she is getting her interpretation from, then show her your evidence. I would follow it up with 'It is painfully obvious that you are supporting Janet's choice to call us delusional, and that you have a problem with us defending ourselves from same.

That double standard seems to rely on the fact that we do not have children while you and Janet do, which makes it discriminitory. Therefore I have no interest in being part of a group that discriminates against me for my choice not to procreate. May your group going forward be everything you have chosen it to be.'

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[Reddit User] − NTA. I guess there are a lot of us 'deluding' ourselves. This not an appropriate comment in a support group.

nan1ta − Her reasoning was we had 'lifestyle shamed' Janet. Lmaooooooooo and isn't that exactly what Janet was doing? NTA

These Reddit nuggets crackle with fire, but do they light the way to truth or just fan the flames?

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This Zoom clash—moms, childfree women, and a “primal urge” debate—left screens flickering with tension. Janet’s bold claim met a fierce callout, but a ban on the non-moms smells like a double standard, leaving one ready to bolt and another craving peace. Support should lift all, not pit choice against choice. Could a frank talk or a fresh group smooth this rift? Reddit’s got thoughts, but the jury’s still sipping coffee. What would you do—mend the circle or find a new one? Toss your takes, tales, or fixes below—let’s untangle this knot together!

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