AITA for staying in a hotel because my parents refuse to let me sleep in the same bed as my partner when we visit?

Picture a festive family reunion—streamers swaying, a cake gleaming under warm lights, and the buzz of a 30th anniversary party in full swing. Yet, beneath the cheer, a Reddit user wrestles with a prickly dilemma: their parents’ stubborn rule against sharing a bed with their partner of eight years. With three kids and a shared life, they’re a family in every sense—except for that missing marriage certificate. Meanwhile, the user’s newlywed sister gets a cozy guest room pass.

The sting of unfairness bites deep, a quiet ache as they imagine their little ones—ages 7, 4, and 2—noticing the odd split. Why does tradition trump their bond? Torn between honoring a milestone and standing up for their relationship, they float a hotel plan, stirring a pot of family tension. We’re hooked, ready to dive into this clash of values with a chuckle and a raised brow!

‘AITA for staying in a hotel because my parents refuse to let me sleep in the same bed as my partner when we visit?’

A devoted couple, raising three kids together, hits a snag when planning a visit for a big family celebration. The grandparents’ old-fashioned rules spark friction, favoring the married sibling. Here’s the original Reddit post:

I have been with my SO for about 8 years. We live together, have several kids, and for all practical purposes are a married couple. For personal reasons though we decided marriage is not the best route for us at the time and are still just partners. My parents refuse to let us share a bed or room when we visit their house, so for the last 5 years we have never visited for more than a day.

My parents recently moved across the country and are having a huge family party to celebrate their 30th anniversary. I was talking to my mom about plans and she said my sister and her newly wed would be sharing one guest room, my kids could have the other guest room, my partner could have the couch and I could sleep on the futon in their bedroom.

I told them that it would work better if the kids slept on the couch and floor downstairs and me and my partner could share the bedroom. My mom said that wouldn't work. I knew why, but said why not. She said well you're not married of course. I hate to make their special weekend about me but I had to retort that we would not be staying with them if they would not let us share a room while allowing my sister to share a room with her husband.

I said it also further adds salt to the wound because it delegitmizes our relationship to my kids. (7,4,2). My mom said I was being selfish and it disturbed her that I would expect to sleep in her house with another person while unmarried. Money is not a issue so I said well we will be staying in a hotel or not coming at all and I hanged up.. ​. AITA?

Family visits can turn into a comedic tightrope walk when values collide! This Reddit user faces a classic standoff: parents clinging to a “no ring, no shared bed” rule, while the sister’s marriage earns a golden ticket. The user, with an 8-year bond and kids, feels dismissed—their commitment reduced to a technicality. The parents, likely anchored in tradition, see marriage as the sacred line, even if it alienates a loving family.

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This echoes a wider trend. A 2021 CDC report shows 40% of U.S. couples with kids cohabitate without marriage (Source). Dr. Bella DePaulo, a social psychologist, observes, “Modern families thrive on mutual respect, not rigid checklists” (Source. Here, the rule risks signaling to the kids that their parents’ bond is “lesser.”

A hotel’s a clever sidestep—comfort and autonomy in one! Try a calm chat: “We feel hurt; our family deserves respect.” Join the party by day, retreat at night.

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Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Here are some hot takes from the Reddit crew—candid, cheeky, and ready to roast! The community rallies behind our user, calling out the parents’ rule as a relic of yesteryear. Check out these gems:

StoltenAce − NTA. It’s technically “their house their rules”. But that doesn’t mean that the rule makes any sense at all. I’d say go for a hotel, because then you have a place you can escape to for reprieve from the family, and if you get one with a pool the kids will sleep really well after a pre-bedtime swim.

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gordonf23 − NTA. There is no question your mom is the a**hole in this scenario. Old fashioned and backwards doesn't begin to describe her. It reminds me of a time when my mom wouldn't let me take a girl up to my room. I pointed out that she knew I was gay and what did she think might be the problem with having a girl in my room?

She say there stymied for a few moments and finally managed, 'Well...uh... What will the neighbors think??' 'Why would the neighbors even KNOW who's in my room, let alone care??' These old habits and values die hard.. (Out of curiosity, does she she ever refer to her 'b**tard grandchildren'?) I do think it's a little petty not too go to the event at all given its significance, but you should have no qualms whatsoever about getting a hotel room.

yggdrasillx − NTA. You are an adult and your parents should respect your life choices.You are well off and dont need to justify yourself to anyone really.

BlueL4zer − NTA. If they say those are the rules under their roof, they're basically inviting you to not stay there. That's how those kinds of social contracts work. It's not making it all about you because you and the totally present father of your children shouldn't be shamed by sleeping in un-beds separately.

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LazyGarlic42 − NTA - people keep talking about 'their house their rules' as if that makes them not assholes, but they have set up a**hole rules that disrespect the value of your relationship. If you haven't had serious words with them about this then you need to, clear, calm, firm, and direct.

[Reddit User] − NTA. Your parents don't respect your relationship, why even bother visiting them at this point?

HotDealsInTexas − NTA. Frankly at this point you should go for the 'not come at all' route. You aren't just an adult, you have children together. Your mother is going out of her way to openly disrespect not just you, but the father of her grandchildren. Teach your mother that her s**tty actions have consequences.

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isweatglitter17 − NTA. Once you live together or have a kid together, there's no sense in holding up the pretense of unmarried couples not sleeping together. My partner and I stay at my parents house occasionally even though they only live half a mile away (I house sit when they're on vacation/keep an eye on my teen sisters).

When we first started dating, we slept on opposite couches in the living room to not be a bad impression on said teen sisters. Now that we've been living together over 2 years, they don't care. We are more than welcome to the guest room together if we ever stay over. His parents on the other hand- tried to bribe him into moving back home after they found out we were living together to keep him from sin.

[Reddit User] − NTA. While it may be your mother's house, and her rules, she's an A**hole to the utmost degree. It's not healthy for her to treat you like this, especially since your kids will pick up on this too, that their mother/father aren't allowed to stay in the same bed together.

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BubbleDncr − NTA. Your mom is ridiculous. She doesn't accept your lifestyle, so don't give her the satisfaction of forcing you to be what she wants you to be.

These are popular opinions on Reddit, but do they really reflect reality? Maybe the parents cling to tradition like a life raft, but does that justify sidelining a loving family?

This saga of beds, boundaries, and a bold hotel booking has us rooting for a couple charting their own course. The user’s stand—picking dignity over dusty rules—lights up a big puzzle: how do we balance family ties with personal truth? They’re weaving love, kids, and a tricky family script, all while toasting a 30th anniversary. A hotel might be their secret weapon for peace! What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Toss your thoughts, stories, or sassy quips below—let’s unravel this family knot together!

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