AITA for speaking up about my husband’s obvious sexism with our children?

In a bustling household filled with the clatter of dishes and the hum of family life, a mother’s patience frays as she watches her 12-year-old daughter scrub plates while her stepbrother lounges with a PlayStation controller. The OP, a fierce advocate for fairness, spots a troubling pattern: her husband’s “traditional” rules pile chores and restrictions on their daughter, while her stepson coasts by. When she finally snaps, a fiery argument erupts, pulling family loyalties into the fray.

The tension crackles as the mother-in-law chimes in, defending old-school values that clash with the OP’s vision of equality. Readers are left wondering: was her outburst a bold stand for justice, or did it stir unnecessary drama? This tale of clashing parenting styles and gender expectations invites us to dive into the messy, relatable world of family dynamics.

‘AITA for speaking up about my husband’s obvious sexism with our children?’

My husband (37m) and I (36f) have a 12 yo daughter together and my husband also has a 16yo son. I have a great relationship with my step son and he and his sister get along well. For the most part things are fine.

SS was living with his mum and just staying with us every other weekend and most school holidays until he turned 14 when he decided he wanted to live with us so now he lives with us full time and sometimes goes to stay with his mum weekends and whatever (not totally relevant but just painting the family picture).

Anyway, the issue I’ve been noticing more and more that my husband has a pretty sexist attitude to raising the kids. Some examples: only our daughter has to help with chores such as washing dishes, doing laundry, grocery shopping etc, while SS gets to watch tv, play PlayStation etc and is only really responsible for walking the dog once every morning.

Also, after eating our evening meal, husband makes daughter clear all the plates, including taking her brother’s plate and then they both sit there and wait for us female folk to do the dishes. On top of this our daughter is in school all day and never has less than 2hrs of homework per night whereas my SS is only doing part time school (12 hrs per week) and has zero homework.

My husband will also yell at our daughter for saying words like “b**t” or “pee” and tells her “women shouldn’t talk like that” but he says absolutely nothing when SS is cussing constantly and has been since he was 11 yo. Anyway, this morning I had enough and told him he needs to stop this sexist bs and it got into a heated argument.

MIL called me telling me off because I should know that he “was raised with traditional beliefs” and that I should understand this too “given my own background” (we were both raised in large, very male dominant families of mostly brothers on both sides).

I can’t accept that I am fully the AH because I have always been very clear that I would not raise our daughter with those (what I consider) outdated gender stereotypes and husband was on board.

It just seems like now she is approaching her teenage years he’s gone totally against this. Where I do consider that I might be the AH is letting it bubble away until I got pissed instead of having a proper, calm conversation about it when it first started happening.. AITA?

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The husband’s unequal treatment of his daughter and stepson screams outdated gender norms, placing unfair burdens on a young girl. The OP’s confrontation, though heated, was a necessary push against this bias. According to Psychology Today, gendered parenting can harm children’s self-esteem, with girls internalizing subservience and boys absorbing entitlement. The daughter’s heavy chore load and language policing, contrasted with her stepbrother’s freedom, risks long-term resentment.

Dr. Cordelia Fine, a gender studies expert, notes, “Stereotypes in parenting shape children’s futures, often unconsciously” (The Guardian). The husband’s shift toward “traditional” values, despite prior agreement with the OP, suggests a retreat to familiar patterns, possibly triggered by his daughter’s adolescence. His mother’s defense only entrenches this mindset, dismissing the OP’s valid concerns.

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This issue reflects broader societal challenges. A 2022 Pew Research Center study found 60% of parents struggle to balance gender expectations in chores, with girls often assigned more domestic tasks. The OP’s delay in addressing the issue, as she admits, may have let it fester, but her stand is crucial for her daughter’s sense of worth.

To resolve this, the OP should initiate a calm family meeting, outlining equal chore expectations. Resources like Parenting Science offer strategies for fair discipline. If the husband resists, couples counseling could realign their parenting goals. The OP’s fight for equality sets a powerful example, encouraging readers to challenge outdated norms in their own homes.

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Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Reddit jumped into this family drama with both feet, serving up a mix of support and spicy advice. Here’s the unfiltered take from the crowd:

PessimisticCupcake − NTA I could not imagine letting my husband treat my daughter like the maid and our son like a prince. I would seriously be on my way to divorce. But I do understand you were raised different so maybe this is more okay for you than it would be for me.

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To me you are only an AH cause you've let him do this for what seems like a long amount of time. Do you really want to raise your daughter to think she is subservient to boys and men? This needs to be corrected now.

scrappy8350 − *I think I might be the AH because I didn’t speak up when I was first bothered by my husband’s behaviour and I blew up at him when I’d had enough, instead of speaking to him calmly.* YTA in the first part of the sentence ONLY, you should’ve spoken up when you FIRST saw his sexist behavior emerging. The very first time.

But now that you HAVE spoken up, don’t back down!! Even if you have to go toe to toe with your husband every day...do not back down. Your daughter does not deserve to be raised as a house slave. Stand in solidarity with her, and refuse to do any of the cleaning anywhere in the house until it becomes an equal opportunity household.

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[Reddit User] − NTA. Please believe me when I say that, even if your daughter eventually realizes that she spent her childhood being subjected to sexism, the damage is deep-rooted and long lasting and she will struggle with setting boundaries in adulthood.

You also have a responsibility to your step son. Allowing him to witness sexism towards you and your daughter will enable him to perpetuate those same tendencies when he grows up.

raerae6672 − NTA. 1. You were correct to bring it up and discuss it with him because he is damaging his daughter's relationship with him. 2. He should never had run to his Mother. 1. this makes me so angry. He had to go to her to reinforce what he is doing instead fo recognizing that what he was doing is wrong.

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3. MIL needs to stay in her place and this means out of the business of what happens in your house 1. I would make it very clear to her to stay out of your business and I would make it clear to him that it is not acceptable for him to complain to her

4. Just because it was the way he was raised does not make it right. times have changed and he needs to do better or he will have another ex. Explain to him and if he doesn't change, then you and your daughter need to let him and his son wait as you and she will go on strike. They can go live with his Mother

Bathroom_cute − YTA for letting this man treat your daughter this way WTF

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poietes_4 − ESH but you are only at fault because you did let it go on for so long. This is something that should have been addressed from birth not when they are teens and stuck in their ways.

CrinosQuokka − NTA. I think that the recent shift in his mannerisms towards her are age related. Has she started developing breasts, started having her periods, or changed the way she dresses? I'm asking because my dad treated me like a boy (I've always been a tomboy), until my body started changing - then his attitude changed.

He started complaining about what chores I did, that I wasn't feminine enough in how I dressed or acted, and he even complained about the instrument that I played in the school's band class (low woodwind, not a *girly* instrument like a flute or clarinet [and yes, I know that it doesn't make any sense]).

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He started verbally going after me on a daily basis, so I ended up spending most of my time in my room or out of the house. His irrationality drove a serious wedge between us that was never repaired.

ViolaofIllyria − NTA - your husband is sexist. His behaviour is not okay, and needs to stop immediately. While this should have been addressed earlier, you are not in the wrong for snapping at him. Honestly, s**ew him. It's your daughter you need to worry about and how his disgusting behaviour has impacted her.

[Reddit User] − What is with mother in laws in this sub calling wives and telling them they’re an a**hole? Am the only one who barely ever talks to my MIL on the phone?

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beacos − honestly all your husband is doing is making your daughter resent her brother ( when she realises the favouritism ) my dad grew up in a male dominating indian family and indian culture literally see women as being baby making housekeepers.

Yet my dad always told me that i was equal to my brothers and never allowed them to boss me around or make me feel inferior to them. You’re 100% NTA. i feel like even if you had a calm conversation about the sexism he still would have reacted the way he did tbh he doesn’t seem like an open minded person.

Redditors rally behind the OP, slamming the husband’s sexism and urging her to stand firm. Some warn of lasting damage to both kids, while others call for a household strike. But do these fiery opinions capture the full story, or are they just fanning the flames? This clash has sparked a lively debate about fairness and family.

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This family showdown lays bare the harm of gendered parenting, with the OP’s bold stand shining a light on her daughter’s unfair treatment. Her husband’s resistance and the family’s pushback highlight how deeply rooted traditions can clash with modern values. Readers, what would you do if you saw sexism shaping your family’s dynamics? Share your thoughts—let’s keep this conversation alive and push for fairness.

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