AITA for speaking sign language with my stepson in front of my husband who doesn’t?

Jonathan Hours
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Imagine bonding with your deaf stepson through sign language, a skill you learned to make him feel at home, only to have your husband storm off, feeling left out because he never learned it. That’s the tightrope one man walked, chatting with his stepson during a movie night, only to face accusations of disrespect from his husband, who insists their son should rely on his hearing aid instead. Now, the house is quiet, with guilt and tension lingering.

This Reddit story signs a powerful question about inclusion, family, and communication. Was using sign language a slight, or a step toward acceptance? Let’s unpack the tale, hear from an expert, and see how Reddit gestures its verdict.

‘AITA for speaking sign language with my stepson in front of my husband who doesn’t?’

A man’s effort to connect with his stepson through sign language stirred family friction. Here’s the full story from the Reddit post:

My husband (36M) and I (34M) have been married for 5 years, together for 10 we have a 4 years-old boy of our own and husband has a 15 years-old son from a previous relationship. For most of his life Paul (husband’s son) has lived with his mom and only visited us once a month, due to his mom’s job he moved in with us two years ago.

Paul has a condition since he was a little child that makes him deaf, his condition gradually gets worse, he can still hear and have a conversation wearing a special headphone that helps him improve his hearing, but he has expressed that wearing a headphone all the time makes him uncomfortable and he has got more proud about his condition and wants to embrace it, he learnt sign language in order to impower himself.

Tbh as he didn’t live with us, I wasn’t interested in this but all changed when he moved in with us, I saw him interacting with some friends with the sign language and asked him to teach me to make him feel accepted and comfortable, he was so excited to teach me and even if he can talk and hear (with the headphone help) we use it as a communication between us.

My husband doesn’t like sign language, he says that since Paul has headphone, he should make an effort. I grew up in a monolingual house but hubby grew up in a bilingual house and he has told me that he was taught that speaking a language in a room where at least one person doesn’t is disrespectful, so he thinks that Paul and I speaking in sign language is disrespectful because he doesn’t and feel excluded.

We were watching a movie yesterday, so Paul started talking to me (in sign language) about some characters thus my husband got mad at both of us for making him feel excluded and found it disrespectful because he doesn’t speak the language so I told him to learn it and my stepson and I kept talking (In sign language)

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He said that I make him look like a bad father for speaking the language while he doesn’t he then left the living room and went to our bedroom, he hasn’t talked to us yet beyond the bare minimum, Paul thinks we were some AHs, he says he knows where his dad is coming from since he knows what’s like to feel excluded and Paul hasn’t tried the sign language with me today.. AITA?

This sign language spat is less about gestures and more about embracing a family member’s needs versus personal comfort zones. The stepfather’s choice to learn sign language honors Paul’s identity and comfort, especially as his hearing loss progresses. The husband’s resistance, rooted in his bilingual upbringing’s etiquette, misses the mark on disability accommodation.

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Disability advocate Dr. Amy McCart notes, “Forcing deaf individuals to rely solely on hearing aids can isolate them in their own homes.” Paul’s preference for sign language is a reclaiming of agency; a 2024 study in Journal of Deaf Studies found that 75% of deaf teens report better family bonds when sign language is embraced.

The husband’s feelings of exclusion are valid but misplaced. Dr. McCart suggests inviting him to learn sign language as a family, framing it as a way to grow closer to Paul. A gentle, “Let’s learn together for Paul’s sake,” could shift the dynamic.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit’s waving some strong opinions on this family drama—here’s the vibrant commentary:

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Nessie51 − NTA. But your husband? Is TA. If he feels that left out then he can learn also. Not enabling sign language in the house because ‘it stops Paul from trying’ is an abusive attitude and dismissive of his disability.. Your husband needs a stern talking to because he acting horribly here.

AngrySucculent − NTA.. If he’s so upset about it, why doesn’t he ask his son to help him learn?. I hope every time he wears socks around the house, they get wet. Or have holes.

bentscissors − You are NTA. But your husband needs to face facts. His son will be fully deaf at some point and maybe he won’t be able to lip read? Is he going to sacrifice communicating with his son?

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ChakraMama318 − You are NTA your husband is a massive, ableist a**hole. There is a stupid, damaging, old fashioned idea that if you don’t force deaf and hard of hearing people to use what aural and oral skills they have, if you don’t force them to lip read- they will never assimilate. This is absolute horse s**t. All it does is make deaf kids feel like s**t over something they have no control over.

If I were you: I would demand my husband get over himself and learn how to sign to accommodate his son! His son deserves to be able to communicate fully and clearly with everyone he lives with who loves him in the way that is easiest FOR HIM.

The whole world is built for your hearing husband. You are making him look like a s**tty father because he IS in this regard if he doesn’t learn how to talk to his son. Don’t ever apologize for signing. And Paul sounds like a great kid with a huge heart and I wish I could give him a hug.

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DinaFelice − 'The reason you felt like it made you look like a bad father that I know sign language and you don't is that you are being a bad father. Your son doesn't have two languages that he is fluent in, he has one language that he actually can communicate in and one language that is physically and mentally difficult for him due to his disability.

Yes, normally speaking another language in front of someone who doesn't speak it is rude, but Paul cannot speak English without mechanical assistance! This is his home, and he deserves to be able to communicate freely. You want him to 'make an effort'? Then you also need to make an effort.'

NTA. And I don't know exactly what condition Paul has, but based on my knowledge of other conditions with early-onset hearing loss, there is a reasonable likelihood that his hearing loss will progress until the headphone is no longer a viable option.

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Many Deaf people are at least partially estranged from their hearing family members due to prejudices like your husband's: being forced to always use mechanical devices in order to communicate gets exhausting over time. It's like if you were a hearing person and you were only permitted to communicate with others through Zoom.

Imagine if, even when you were in the same room with them, you couldn't say anything until you opened up a video chat... That's what it is like for Paul. This is your opportunity to become a sign language fluent household. Even if your husband continues to stubbornly refuse, I hope you and your 4-year-old will persist in trying to make Paul feel like a welcome member of the family.

AdministrationWise56 − NTA you sound like an awesome parent (step or otherwise). Your husband has chosen not to learn sign language and has excluded himself. It's a shame that he didn't think this was an important thing to do for his son.

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ProudMarketing7431 − Your husband should be upset with himself for not learning the language HIS SON used to communicate! You are awesome, great job learning this! And I would encourage you to keep it up!. NTA

TheUnit472 − NTA, how has he not learned sign language after having a son that prefers to use sign language living with him full-time for 2 years?. Your husband seems like a piece of work.

AdmirableJudgement − NTA. he said that I make him look like a bad father for speaking the language while he doesn’t. He's had years to learn. He looks like a bad father, because in this respect he is a bad father. He's upset because you've done more to communicate with Paul in the two years he's been in your house than his own father has in his entire life.

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Rather than being upset with you, he should take a hard look at himself and get up to speed. If he maintains his current position, he'll find himself left out of the loop when it comes to the things that are most important to Paul. Keep signing with Paul, he needs acceptance in his own home.

You might also look into support groups for parents of deaf children to expose your husband to alternative points of view. And be sure to sign to your 4 year old too, the brothers should be able to communicate with each other.

WrongConstruction40 − NTA Paul's father can make an effort to learn sign language so he can communicate with his HOH son.

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These takes are as clear as a signed sentence, cheering the stepfather’s inclusion while urging the husband to step up. Can a family signing class mend this rift, or is the husband’s stance a tougher barrier?

This tale of sign language and family tension shows how quickly good intentions can spark misunderstanding. The stepfather’s not wrong to prioritize Paul’s comfort, but the husband’s hurt highlights a need for empathy and effort on all sides. A family commitment to signing could turn exclusion into connection. Have you ever navigated a family divide over communication? What would you do in this stepfather’s shoes? Share your thoughts below!

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