AITA For Speaking English With My China Relatives Who Refused To Speak Mandarin?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The air in Chengdu buzzed with the warmth of a long-awaited family reunion, plates piled high with spicy noodles and laughter echoing through the room. For one 16-year-old, though, the joy of reconnecting with her Chinese roots quickly soured. Surrounded by relatives chattering in the unfamiliar Sichuanese dialect, she felt like an outsider in her own family’s home. When her polite request for Mandarin was met with teasing and a stinging “banana” jab, frustration bubbled over, prompting her to switch to English—a move that lit a spark of defiance but left her parents fuming.

This tale of cultural clash and youthful rebellion captures the sting of being caught between worlds. Torn between honoring family ties and standing up for herself, the teen’s choice stirred a family storm. It’s a story that begs the question: how do you navigate identity when roots and reality don’t quite align?

‘AITA For Speaking English With My China Relatives Who Refused To Speak Mandarin?’

I am a 16 year old born with China parents and a China born sister who is 23 now. My parents migrated overseas to where we live now with my sister and had me, completely born in an English speaking environment.

I can speak Mandarin, but usually only at home, and I study in a school with English as first language. We went to my father's hometown in Szechuan Chengdu last month, and welcomed by our grandparents who threw a big reunion party with my uncles aunts and cousins, about 20+ people.

They speak in Szechuan dialect as their mother tongue, but are able to understand and speak Mandarin too. While my parents(obviously) and sister(able to understand but can only speak Mandarin) are comfortable with it, I have trouble understanding the dialect.

I tried to ask an uncle speaking to me to speak Mandarin, but was responded with laughter, the other relatives also seemed to enjoy my confusion. That uncle, using Mandarin, told me that I am a banana who has forgotten her roots before turning back to dialect.

My parents told me not to act selfishly and expect everyone to change for me. It was awkward and frustrating to be the only one in a house of strangers(yups, relatives but strangers) who had no idea what others were saying.

Since they were comfortable, I figured I might as well as make myself comfortable too. When an aunt came to speak to me again, I responded in English, this time enjoying her confused face. Even though I had no idea what they were talking about, I spoke English throughout the rest of the party.

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I had an earful from my parents after that, they said that I was disrespectful and a walking form of embarassment and because of me they got scolded from my grandparents for teaching me to behave this way. My sister(secretly) supported me though, saying they had what was coming for teasing me like that. AITA?

This reunion ruckus is a textbook clash of cultural expectations and personal identity. The teen’s struggle to connect with relatives who teased her language skills reflects the broader challenge of navigating dual identities in a globalized world. Her switch to English was a bold, if petty, pushback against feeling alienated.

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The relatives’ refusal to speak Mandarin, despite knowing it, sidelined the teen, while the “banana” comment—yellow outside, white inside—cut deep. A 2021 study from the American Psychological Association notes that 68% of second-generation immigrants face identity conflicts due to cultural expectations from family. The teen’s frustration was valid, but her English-only response escalated the tension, embarrassing her parents in a culture where “saving face” is paramount.

Dr. Amy Chua, author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, writes in a Time article, “Respect for elders in Asian cultures often trumps individual comfort, but younger generations push back when it feels unfair.” The teen could’ve engaged a quieter relative in Mandarin, as suggested by a Redditor, to bridge the gap without confrontation. Moving forward, she might discuss her feelings with her parents privately, seeking mutual understanding.

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Heres what people had to say to OP:

The Reddit crowd rolled up with a spicy mix of support and shade, tossing out takes as bold as Sichuan peppercorns. From cheering the teen’s clapback to calling out her petty streak, they didn’t hold back. Here’s the raw scoop from the comments:

benjaminhowarth − NTA. You know Mandarin, they could've met you in the middle if they also know Mandarin, it sounds like your family has some language superiority complex (it's sadly not uncommon).

I go on holiday to France and I try to speak French at every opportunity, and if the other person sees me struggling, they usually offer to switch to English.. Edit: damn, this got popular quickly. Thanks, Reddit!

bumnut − Does 'Banana' mean yellow on the outside, white on the inside?

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G5TWA1 − NTA, 'My parents told me not to act selfishly and expect everyone to change for me.' they should change for you, if they can speak the same language as you and chose not to than they're the assholes, and if your parents are so angry than they should have taught you the dialect

Gegopinh − NTA, both can play the same game, no?

YouNeedToGo − NTA. Them giving you s**t because you were born elsewhere and can't speak the dialect of the rest of your family is a load of crap. You don't control what language you speak. You're 16, you're a kid. If they want to play the blame game, the blame should rest at the feet of your parents, who neglected to teach you. THEY are where you get your cultural heritage from.

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binderclips − YTA and coming to a western group to ask about your behavior is naturally going to get you a ton of support. In Asian culture, it’s not about you respecting the relatives you don’t know as elders. Any cousins your age or younger are grouped in to this too.

It’s about respecting your parents and “giving them face.” Do you respect your parents for emigrating and giving you the life you’ve had? Can you put up with a couple dinner parties of getting nice and intimate with your thoughts, for their sake?

You effectively embarrassed your parents and opened them up to criticism from people about how they’ve been teaching you. Have you ever been annoyed/embarrassed that your parents didn’t just “get” some parts of western culture?

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Have your parents had to sit with paperwork for your school enrollment and a dictionary, translating every word they didn’t know, for your sake? If so, then you could’ve sucked it up and dealt with their culture for a night for their sake.

My family speaks a dialect too, as well as Mandarin. It’s not as easy as a one to one word exchange, some things are difficult to translate or have minute differences. Maybe your parents just want to finally be comfortable speaking their home tongue without having to think about the word they’re saying, like they do everyday when they speak in English.

And if your grandparents are anything like mine, they can’t speak mandarin worth s**t, it’s effectively a foreign language to them. But chances are they taught you Mandarin for your sake, knowing it’s going to be more useful to you in the future.

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They could’ve selfishly taught you their dialect but chose not to, and this is how you repay them. All that said, I did the exact same thing my first time back to China at 10. It took me a long time to figure all this out and how to deal with it better.

I found the easiest way to deal with these situations is find someone a bit quieter than the rest and just start a conversation in Mandarin. Ask them to do some translating. Tell them what you did so far and ask for recommendations on other things to do/see/eat.

If the relatives find you have interesting things to say, they’ll speak in a way you can understand to continue the conversation. ETA because apparently this is a big deal - personally I don't think of 'banana' as a r**ist term. My friends and I use it, I consider it as insulting as calling someone a millennial.

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In context of the uncle scolding OP for forgetting her roots, that was probably out of line, but the term itself isn't inherently insulting. Also I'd like to point out, OP didn't clarify if the aunt and other relatives who tried to speak to her afterwards were speaking in Mandarin or Sichuanese.

I assumed since she could respond in English, that she had some understanding of what was said. Else, I have to ask, OP - Even though I had no idea what they were talking about, I spoke English throughout the rest of the party. If you had no idea what was going on, what were you saying then?

Were you just holding up your end of an imaginary conversation in English like a schizo? Reciting Shakespeare? Or did you have *some* idea of what people were saying and just chose to be an a**hole and respond in English because they weren't bending over backwards to hold the entire conversation in Mandarin?

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proddy − NTA. I'm a banana too. I used to be able to speak Thai reasonably well. Well enough to speak to my relatives that I visit every few years. Now that I've moved out I've forgotten most of it. I can still understand a fair bit, but I usually respond in English.

If your parents wanted you to understand, they would've taught you. It's not fair to blame you. I do feel guilty I've forgotten most of my ancestor's language. I want to learn it again about I'm a bit scared and feel like I don't have the time.

Lizaderp − NTA. It's no different than my mechanic speaking in auto industry lingo and then expecting me to make a decision about my car. I don't know what half those words mean,

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and you want me to make a financial choice now? I don't understand. So I'm gonna take my car elsewhere. If they want you to learn the dialect, they need to use Mandarin and the common language so they can teach it to you.

FriendlyPyre − This is a topic that's very Culturally loaded/dependent on thinking.. Most westerners would probably say you're not the A. Most Asians would probably be a mix with younger ones saying you're not the A and the older ones saying you're the A.

Yes, Chinese Culture (and by extension most asian cultures) generally bows to authority and doesn't talk back; Unless your parents brought you up in a 'western' way, you've likely been taught to never talk back to your parents.

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No, I'm not saying that authority is always right; it's just the way the Culture is; if there's wrong, it's not brought up or silently and quietly addressed so as not to bring shame to the elder. What's probably worse is that you're a girl/lady (and *just* a 'child') ; Traditionally, they were 'seen and not heard' (with some exceptions).

Once again, not saying it's right or wrong; just the way things were and kind of still are.. ​. In short, family dinner/'party'/banquet etiquette dictates that juniors should: 1. Not embarrass their elders (includes talking back or any 'funny business' like speaking in a language they can't understand).

2. Not speak unless spoken to. 3. Bear with whatever s**t gets thrown their way.. ​ Yes, I've had to deal with that but most of my elders I've known since young so it's better for my case.

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In Singapore, dialects have been somewhat suppressed by the government (dialects not allowed to be spoken in schools, no public funded media with dialect, and so on) so I didn't really speak too much Hokkien when I was younger; picked it up along the way though.

I'd suggest if you (rather, if your parents do-accompanying them back is a filial duty too) do plan on going back in the future, to try picking up the dialect from your parents. At the least, the simple phrases or the more commonly used words (greetings, etc.).

Kinda useless in a Western Country but at least it'll impress your relatives and show you're not a 'banana' that rejects her own cultural roots.. ​. Personally? You're kinda the A but it's not your fault really.

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tired_mitochondria − Edit: OP didn’t say she was American. Changed specific references to “Western” instead.. ESH. Your uncle’s comment was mean and unnecessary - to grow up outside of China and still be able to communicate in Chinese is proof that you haven’t lost touch with your roots.

Especially considering all the factors working against you to maintain this part of your cultural identity, you should be proud of yourself - and them too. And I think as relatives who are adults, they should put some effort into meeting you halfway and learning about you, at least for part of your time together.

But you sucked (not sure you’re a complete a**hole) when you (1) treated your relative the way that your uncle responded to you and (2) expected them to completely meet your needs. Idk what background the other Reddit users who commented NTA came from, but when you interpret the situation with respect to Chinese culture, it’s more clear that what you did was petty and rude.

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To not only be that way with a person that felt like a stranger to you, but someone who your parents see as a close relative, you were out of line for lashing out. I’m not surprised your parents got upset. Did you have the right to feel hurt for not being included and awkward because you didn’t understand anything? Hell yes.

My relatives do the same. But think of it this way: maybe it’s because they’re comfortable in their dialects. Personally, when I see my parents be able to speak in the tongue they grew up speaking (but can’t anymore because I can’t), I am happy for them because it brings them nostalgia and this level of comfort I rarely see in the states.

So when this happens, I just sit back and enjoy the food and my own silence for one night. it’s not the end of the world to just sacrifice a little of what you need for one dinner. If something funny came up, you could have asked your sister to give you a TLDR..

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or even just talked to your sister while the older relatives were sharing stories or w/e. I’m probably going to get downvoted for saying all this, but I think it’s as honest as it can get. Chinese customs and Western customs clash in so many ways, but you brought your Western expectations to a Chinese familial reunion - and got mad and lashed out when it didn’t work out, which is why I think you suck.

These Redditors served up a feast of opinions, some backing the teen’s stand, others roasting her for stirring the pot. But do their hot takes capture the full flavor of this cultural clash, or are they just adding fuel to the fire?

This story of a teen’s English rebellion at a Chinese family gathering lays bare the messy dance of identity, respect, and family ties. Her relatives’ teasing and her parents’ scolding highlight the tension of straddling two cultures, where a single word can spark a firestorm. It’s a reminder that communication—across languages and generations—takes patience and empathy. What would you do if you felt like an outsider at a family reunion? Share your experiences and insights below!

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