AITA for snapping at SIL over “parentification” comments?

Tiana Garrett Hours
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Imagine a sunny afternoon, a toddler gleefully pushing her baby sister in a doll stroller, her face lit with pride. Now picture an uninvited critique crashing the scene, accusing a loving mom of “parentifying” her three-year-old. This woman’s joy in watching her daughter embrace her baby sister turned sour when her child-free sister-in-law (SIL) kept labeling her parenting as abusive.

The tension boiled over at a family lunch, where sharp words flew, leaving the mom questioning her outburst. This story buzzes with the clash of good intentions, family meddling, and a toddler’s boundless love for her sibling. Readers are pulled into a drama that’s as heartwarming as it is heated, wondering where care crosses into control.

‘AITA for snapping at SIL over “parentification” comments?’

My (29F) daughter, who we’ll call Zuzu, is three and OBSESSED with babies. She has told me she wants 700 hundred babies when she grows up (normal!) and my wife has joked that going into her room at night is creepy, cause in the bed there’s like 17 baby dolls and then our actual daughter.

Naturally, when her younger sister (10mo) was born, Zuzu was over the moon. She came into the hospital room, jumped onto the bed next to me and told me “I’m gonna be her new mama”. She always wants to help with her sister.

For a three year old, that means small things like helping me pick out an outfit for the baby, holding her while she watches tv, helping with feeding the baby, etc. Zuzu is constantly supervised while doing these things, because she’s three and you know, can see a bird in the window and then all focus is on that.

My SIL is solidly child free, which is fine and her choice. But lately whenever she’s been over and Zuzu has been playing with her sister (which nowadays means putting little sister in a doll stroller and parading her around the house) she has started going on about parentification.

She has told us Zuzu will resent us for this, and that kids who are forced to be parents are depressed grownup. Yesterday was no different. We were eating lunch and Zuzu asked if she could feed the baby some food. I actually said no, because we were in a rush and SIL said “See, that’s what you should be saying.

It’s horrible and wrong you would force a child into a parent position”. Well, I had had enough and asked her to leave, and said that if she was going to keep making comments like that she wouldn’t be welcome.

Wife agrees with me and said if I hadn’t said it she would have, but I’ve gotten some supremely n**ty texts from SIL saying she was just trying to help. Some of my friends who are aware of the situation said I shouldn’t have been so harsh either. AITA?

Edit- SIL is 5 years younger than my wife, who is 32. They have no other siblings and from what I have seen/wife has told me, etc, there was never anything like parentification ever.

This family spat is like a well-meaning guest who overstays their welcome. Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, a parenting expert, says, “Involving young children in family tasks fosters connection, not burden, when it’s age-appropriate and voluntary” . Here, Zuzu’s enthusiasm for her sister is a natural expression of love, not forced duty.

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The SIL’s accusations misapply the term “parentification,” which involves children taking on adult responsibilities, often to their detriment. A 2021 study from the Journal of Family Psychology notes that true parentification can lead to emotional strain, but sibling engagement, like Zuzu’s, often strengthens bonds . The SIL’s child-free perspective may fuel her misunderstanding, projecting harm where none exists.

This reflects broader issues of unsolicited advice in families. Dr. Lapointe advises setting boundaries with empathy but firmness. The mom’s snap was a protective reflex, though her friends suggest a softer tone might have de-escalated. The SIL’s texts show she feels dismissed, hinting at a need for dialogue.

For solutions, the couple could invite the SIL to discuss her concerns privately, clarifying Zuzu’s supervised, joyful role. Sharing resources on child development might ease her fears. If accusations persist, limiting contact protects the family’s peace. Encouraging Zuzu’s sibling bond honors her love while keeping boundaries clear.

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Check out how the community responded:

The Reddit crew rolled up with pitchforks and pom-poms, cheering the mom while roasting the SIL’s misstep. It’s like a backyard barbecue where everyone’s got a hot take:

[Reddit User] − NTA. Parentification is abuse (my mother did it to me) but this is not parentification

PeggyHW − NTA. First, no forcing there... she's asking. Second, it's totally natural.. And finally, getting toddlers involved is a really good way of heading off sibling rivalry.. You're doing fine. SIL should b**t out.. Editted - Aw, thank you for award!

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HauntofhighAFtower − NTA. Parentification is forcing a child to take on parental roles and duties.. A kid obsessed with babies is no different than a kid obsessed with Transformers, minecraft, or ponies.. Walter Sobchak voice: 'SIL is out of her element!'

andreaak88 − As someone who literally became a guardian to my younger brother at the age of 18 because my parents are a time, this is the most absurd s**t I've ever heard. When my brother was born I too was over the moon. But the love of me wanting to help changed heavily when it wasn't me choosing to help or be involved when I wanted to it being a requirement.. NTA

TXperson − NTA, your SIL has some issues she is projecting onto you. I’m sorry her parents screwed her up or whatever, but she has no right to go to you and tell you that you’re abusing your child. I want to drive this home: BECAUSE SHE IS ACCUSING YOU OF PARENTIFICATION, SHE IS ACCUSING YOU OF ABUSING YOUR CHILD AND THAT IS NOT OKAY

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ChickNamedVenus − NTA. This is not parentification at all. Parentification is when children are *forced* into a position in which they are parenting a sibling/other relative; She's not forced to do this whatsoever and is completely willing. Many toddlers I know absolutely love babies and will do anything to help out with them.

Not to mention, it's completely normal to be very protective over your younger siblings. I have a younger brother and I'm basically both his mom and sister, willingly. Always have loved to take care of him. As long as you aren't forcing her to do anything, I don't see the issue. There's a reason why baby dolls are so popular with young kids. yes

L1zisC00L − NTA your sister in law is full of it. Parentification is absolutely a thing but it super awful of your sister to misrepresent it this way. What you described sounds like a wonderful sisterly love that will evolve into a healthy rivalry as soon as baby starts acting less like a doll and learns to argue.

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I was a victim of parentification. At age 9 I was providing all the infant care to my sister. As I got older it was my job to dress her, feed her and get her ready before leaving for school myself.

After school I picked her up from daycare. I was the one who said no to ice cream for dinner and the one who helped with homework. It sucked.. It's really terrible of your SIL to take that very real form of abuse and trivialize it like this.

psych-major-via − NTA. As a survivor of parentification, this isn't it. Your SIL needs to back off.

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digital-kun − NTA. I would have been annoyed too. There's a reason baby dolls are so popular with kids. My cousin was exactly the same, and when she got a younger brother she was incredibly happy. Now she's in her 20s, no kids, and just working like a normal adult.

[Reddit User] − NTA - a normal sibling relationship is not parentification? It's a weird leap, why is she making it?

These Redditors rallied behind the mom, calling the SIL’s claims a stretch. Survivors of actual parentification clarified the difference, while others saw projection in the SIL’s words. But do their fiery opinions capture the full family dynamic, or just fan the drama?

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This story is a warm hug wrapped in a family feud, showcasing a toddler’s love and a mom’s fierce defense. It’s a reminder that good intentions can misfire when advice oversteps. The mom’s snap drew a line, protecting her daughter’s joy. Have you ever faced unwarranted parenting critiques? What would you do when family mislabels your choices? Share your stories below!

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