AITA for siding with my friend after he cheated on his wife?

Picture a tight-knit friendship tested by a bombshell secret, unraveling a marriage and sparking a heated debate. For one 27-year-old, standing by his buddy—who cheated years ago while in the military—feels like loyalty, but it’s landed him in hot water with his own wife. The fallout? A wife’s revenge-fueled demands and a home divided over where to draw the line on forgiveness.

This juicy tale dives into the messy world of infidelity, loyalty, and marital fallout. Is he wrong to back his friend, or is the wife’s reaction pushing boundaries too far? Let’s unpack the drama, hear Reddit’s fiery takes, and get an expert’s spin on this tangled web.

‘AITA for siding with my friend after he cheated on his wife?’

My (27M) friend (24M) and his wife have been married for 3 years and have two small babies. Recently, another woman reached out to his wife to tell her that a few years back while they were living in separate states (he was in the military) they slept together. This has caused a great deal of havoc to their marriage and things have been super tense.

However, the wife has been extremely toxic lately and although I understand she is hurt, she is taking advantage of this situation to get her way on everything. Most recently, she basically guilt tripped my friend into buying an expensive cat because in her words she “deserves it”.

They already have 5 other cats and two small babies, and not a lot of economic resources to add another expensive cat into the mix. My buddy agreed as a way to keep the peace. He’s trying to save his marriage, but at what cost? She’s doing whatever she wants (leaving him the kids to go out late, making him do extra work around the house even though he works a very physical job, and now the whole cat situation).

I told my wife the situation and how I think she’s being unreasonable but my wife says that his wife is probably very hurt and isn’t dealing well with all the emotions that come from finding out he cheated. As I said, I can empathize, but this is no excuse to treat my friend like dirt.

There’s a healthy and unhealthy way to deal with the situation, and she’s choosing the unhealthy way to go about it and causing more damage. My wife is now mad at me… she said she will take the wife’s side on everything and support her in whatever she needs.

He’s the one that messed up after all, and he needs to deal with the consequences of his actions. She says he SHOULD give her whatever she wants…. But where do you even draw the line? When will he stop paying for a mistake from years ago??

This has now created a rift between me and my wife… but I don’t think I’m being TA here for taking my friends side. Look, I know what he did was awful, but two wrongs don’t make a right and she’s just being spiteful and selfish, getting her way in everything she wants and guilting him into big decisions that will only hurt their family even more.

This friendship loyalty test is a minefield of emotions and ethics. The 27-year-old supports his friend, who cheated years ago, viewing the wife’s retaliatory behavior—demanding a costly cat, extra chores, and nights out—as excessive punishment. His wife, however, sees it as a natural outpouring of betrayal’s pain, creating a rift that mirrors the original infidelity.

Research shows infidelity’s aftermath can linger for years. A 2022 study in Archives of Sexual Behavior notes that trust breaches often lead to prolonged emotional responses, like the wife’s actions here. The friend’s secrecy while in the military, with two young kids involved, amplifies the hurt, though the poster downplays it as a “past mistake.”

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Dr. Shirley Glass, an infidelity expert, argues, “Healing requires accountability from the cheater and empathy from the betrayed.” The friend’s peace-keeping attempts are steps forward, but the wife’s spiteful demands risk derailing recovery. The poster’s stance risks alienating his wife, who may feel his support normalizes cheating. Open dialogue—perhaps with a counselor—could clarify boundaries, ensuring both marriages don’t crumble.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

The Reddit crowd didn’t hold back, serving up a mix of judgment and advice with a dash of sass. Here’s what they had to say:

Cogito3 - YTA. this is no excuse to treat my friend like dirt. My dude, it absolutely is. You're right that his wife is not reacting appropriately, since this marriage is clearly long dead. She should just divorce him.

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But your friend is the one responsible for killing it, and now he has to face the consequences of his own actions. I can understand helping him out if he needs a place to stay or something, but do not take his side. He is absolutely the one in the wrong.

FileDoesntExist - INFO. Are you aware that picking the cheaters side in this is giving your wife the impression that you don't think cheating is that bad?. Even your language about it implies that it wasn't THAT bad. When will he stop paying for a mistake from years ago?? Edited to add: The one she just found out about(I'm not condoning what she's doing mind you. I think it's s**tty behavior as well)

GlassSandwich9315 - When will he stop paying for a mistake from years ago?? The 'mistake' might have been a few years ago but the wife just found out about it. Him keeping it a secret for all these years shouldn't lessen the anger she rightfully feels.

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Mountain_Monitor_262 - You basically told your wife that cheating isn’t a big deal and that the wife should get over it. Your friend screwed up his marriage. He is reaping what he sowed. You are dumb enough to put your marriage on the line to defend him? If you don’t separate yourself from your friend’s affair issues, you wife will draw that line for you.

Puzzleheaded-Jury312 - Wait. They've been married for 3 years, he cheated 'a few years back' and they have 2 small children? So, did he cheat right before or after the wedding? Was she pregnant with his child or had she just given birth at the time?

This sounds pretty sus from the, 'but he's a great guy' POV you seem to have. Your i**ot friend destroyed his relationship, and it seems like you think she just has to 'get over it'. Yeah, no.. The situation is radioactive. Are you willing to have it bleed into your own relationship, too?

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Short-Classroom2559 - YTA and sound like you're perfectly ok with his cheating and think his wife should just suck it up. As someone that divorced my cheating ex, you have no idea what she's going through or will CONTINUE to go through every time he deploys. He broke her trust. Now he has to deal with the consequences. If a new kitty helps, then so be it.

However, you are 100% indicating to your own wife that this is no big deal and I wouldn't be surprised if she starts watching you like a hawk. The best thing you can do is b**t out of their business and stop taking sides. Your friend shouldn't have slept with another woman. That's just such a huge game changer. He deserves what's she dishes out at him.

RewardHungry2419 - I am leaning more towards YTA. I agree that she can’t continuously made demands as repayment for him cheating. They need couples counseling to explore healthy ways to work through the marriage. Either she wants to stay and work things out or leave.

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However, you can’t dictate how people cope with trauma. She has two babies at home and there was at least one incident of confirmed cheating. Does cheating a few years back mean when she was pregnant with baby # 1 or right after they got married???

The military is known for cheating. I can guarantee she will think he’s cheating during every deployment.. Also, if your friend doesn’t care about his wife’s behavior why do you care so much?. Your friend is TAH for cheating to begin with.

Dusty_mother - She’s better than me I would’ve left his ass then and there and took everything he had 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Minute_Box3852 - Yta. Your friend is lucky she didn't kick him out and take him for everything he's got. But please, advise him that she's wrong and watch him agree and her kick him out finally. Who do you think he will place some of the blame on for giving him bad advice?. Do you have any idea how long most cheaters have to grovel to be forgiven?

Imagine your wife. Imagine her shaving her bits and putting on that favorite pair of panties and little bra you love. Ya see it? Now Imagine another man in your bed while you're at work, slowly removing them. How much groveling do you think she'd have to do to make it all ok? No really. I mean it. Imagine. Would you be able to forgive?

DullMany8933 - YTA, your language clearly implies you don’t think what he did was that bad, and to your wife this probably sounds like you condone cheating. Also, your friend obviously didn’t care about his wife, her feelings, or her well-being when he chose to sleep around on her, so I don’t think she’s wrong to be putting herself first in this scenario

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These spicy Reddit takes slam the poster’s stance, warning of marital fallout while urging the friend to face his consequences. Is loyalty worth the fight, or a recipe for regret? The consensus leans toward rethinking his support.

This infidelity drama shows that loyalty can cut both ways. The poster’s heart’s in the right place for his friend, but backing a cheater might cost his own marriage. The wife’s hurt deserves space, but her tactics need checks—maybe through counseling. Have you ever picked a side in a friend’s messy marriage? What would you do to smooth this over? Share your thoughts below!

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