AITA for telling my boyfriend to stop putting my things in his son’s room?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Sharing a home with a partner is often a beautiful blend of two lives merging, a comforting tapestry woven with shared routines and familiar belongings. However, sometimes, a thread gets pulled out of place, creating a ripple of confusion and frustration. For our 25-year-old narrator, that thread is her boyfriend’s persistent habit of relocating her possessions to his 13-year-old son’s room. What started as an occasional oddity has now become a two-year-long saga of misplaced items and mounting annoyance.

Imagine the bewilderment of searching for your gaming console’s HDMI cord only to find it tangled amidst teenage clutter, or your dog’s grooming supplies mysteriously appearing alongside video games and comic books. For this girlfriend, the constant treasure hunt for her own belongings has reached a breaking point, leading to a confrontation with her partner who seems oblivious to the underlying issue. Is she overreacting to what he deems harmless absentmindedness, or is there a deeper breach of personal space and respect at play in this domestic whodunit?

‘AITA for telling my boyfriend to stop putting my things in his son’s room?’

My boyfriend (30M) and I (25F) have been together for 3+ years, living together for 2. He has a 13 year old son (had him when he was very young). He is at our house Friday night-Monday morning. Since we’ve moved in together, there has been an ongoing issue that my things end up in his son’s room, especially if he’s cleaning or moving stuff around.

Last week, I came home from work and realized my PS5 was missing the HDMI cord. Sons room. Disconnected and on the floor. Because son was using it earlier and just unplugged it instead of putting it back. Which, he’s 13 and in his own world. My boyfriend let him borrow it, so he should have put it back when son was done.

Side note, I bought his son a couple of cords so my BF would stop taking mine for him to use. No idea what happened to them. The other day, I was looking for my dogs combing supplies. She has her own cabinet of “dog stuff.” They somehow ended up in his son’s room.

He said he was reorganizing the cabinet and took some things out, and he must have moved the comb in the process. Today, my boyfriend was taking a nap and I was going to go to the gym. I could not find my headphones. They are usually in my gym bag, but I had taken them out to charge earlier today.

I looked in his son’s room but did not see them, so I looked elsewhere but could not find them. When my boyfriend woke up, I asked him where my headphones were. He went into his son’s room and said he put them in his closet on accident, while cleaning around the house. His headphones were also in the closet.

I honestly lost it. I told him I am so tired of having to question where my things are at. Our house is not cluttered. It is hardly messy. There is no reason for MY things not to be in OUR room. There is no reason for my things to be in someone else’s room. I told him that if I have something in one spot, he does not need to move it.

My headphones being on the charger is not inconveniencing anyone. He said I am overreacting and it’s harmless to just go into his son’s room and look for something if I need too. He said that he accidentally / subconsciously moves things and doesn’t realize they are mine.

I called b**lshit, because this has been an issue for 2 years. I told him I am just not going to leave anything that is mine around the house anymore, not even a pair of shoes at the front door. I also do not like having to look in other peoples rooms or playing hide and seek with my things.

I would hate for someone to look through my things/room. If he wants to put his stuff in his son’s room, by all means, do it. Which he does sometimes. But I told him to Stop. Putting. My. Stuff. In. There. I feel like an a**hole just typing this. We have a great relationship and hardly argue. However, I have asked him in the past to please not do this, and he isn’t getting it.. Am I overreacting? Am I the a**hole for not wanting my stuff in his son’s room?.

Cohabitation often brings to light the different habits and organizational styles of individuals. While some might find a partner’s tidiness endearing, others might feel their personal space and belongings are being disregarded. In this scenario, the girlfriend’s frustration is understandable, especially given the repeated nature of her boyfriend’s actions and his dismissive response to her concerns. The act of consistently moving someone’s belongings, particularly into another person’s private space, can feel like a violation of boundaries, even if unintentional.

According to Dr. Wendy Walsh, a relationship expert and author, “Respecting each other’s personal space and possessions is a fundamental aspect of a healthy relationship. Even seemingly small actions can erode trust and create resentment over time.” In this context, the boyfriend’s habit, despite his claims of it being accidental, is causing significant annoyance and distress to his girlfriend. His inability to acknowledge her feelings and his insistence that she is overreacting further exacerbate the issue. The girlfriend’s attempts to solve the problem, such as buying extra cords for the son, demonstrate her proactive approach and her desire to find a peaceful resolution. However, the fact that the boyfriend continues to move her things suggests a lack of awareness or a failure to prioritize her comfort and needs.

The various theories proposed by the Reddit community, ranging from simple absentmindedness to more concerning power dynamics, highlight the ambiguity of the boyfriend’s motivations. Regardless of the reason, the core issue remains: the girlfriend feels her boundaries are not being respected, and her request for her boyfriend to stop moving her belongings is entirely valid.

Open and honest communication is crucial in resolving such conflicts. The girlfriend has expressed her feelings multiple times, but the boyfriend’s defensiveness prevents a productive dialogue. It might be helpful for them to explore the underlying reasons behind his behavior, even if he believes it to be subconscious. Perhaps seeking couples counseling could provide a neutral space to discuss these issues and develop strategies for more respectful cohabitation. Ultimately, a healthy relationship thrives on mutual respect and consideration for each other’s feelings and personal space.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

The digital detectives of Reddit have certainly put on their thinking caps for this case of the mysteriously moving belongings! From humorous theories to serious concerns, the comments section is buzzing with opinions on this domestic puzzle. Let’s see what the online sleuths have uncovered:

celticmusebooks − Just to clarify: are you sure your BF is actually doing this and it's not his son taking your stuff and hiding it? If it is your BF doing it -- super creepy. Why is he only moving YOUR stuff? Start moving his stuff into other rooms and don't tell him where to find it make him look for it so he can see how annoying/frustrating it is. He needs to stop touching your stuff. PERIOD.

[Reddit User] − NTA Your boyfriend has absolutely no reason to move your things. Growing up my mother was a constant tidier and decided to move other people's things. It was a constant battle until she threw away research my brother was gathering for a paper and then all hell broke loose. To this day, the number of things she moves and forgets where she put them is hilarious. When she can't find something we tell her maybe you should have left it where it's always been, keep looking.. .

MayorSalsa − NTA and sorry but a bit funny. I don't see any reason for him to be stashing stuff in his son's room, I mean seriously, you have your headphones plugged in and somehow it gets put in the son's closet? That's sheer nonsense.

Maybe try picking a central spot like on the counter and tell your bf that if he ever has to move your belongings for any reason then put them there. You can also talk to his son yourself and remind him to put your stuff back if he borrows something. He's not so young he can't do that himself.

Queen_Sized_Beauty − NTA. I'd even say he has no reason to be even *going into* his sons room. Especially since his son isn't there most of the time this happens.. Also, there's no way he

[Reddit User] − NTA. When my boyfriend woke up, I asked him where my headphones were. He went into his son’s room and said he put them in his closet on accident, while cleaning around the house.. He said that he accidentally / subconsciously moves things and doesn’t realize they are mine. If it were an accident or subconscious, then how did he immediately know where they were? This is some weird power move he's doing and it needs to stop

YouKnowImRight85 − No what he's trying to do is dehumanize you by stripping away your identity see if everything that is associated with you becomes either common shared items and or becomes his son's property then you are nothing without him.

This is one of the oldest manipulative tactics that's been out there he's doing it on purpose he's doing it to get a rise out of you he's doing it to gaslight you and then he's going to say your irrational and blah blah blah this is a power Trip he's trying to put you in your place.. This is already so freaking toxic it's frightening.

sincereferret − “Accidentally/subconsciously moves things.”. Uh-huh.. NTA.

CrimsonKnight_004 − NTA - If he has this problem where he accidentally / subconsciously moves things…are his things ending up in his son’s room as well? Is his son’s things ending up in your and his room? Kitchen to living room? Bathroom to garage?. If not, it’s very weird that it’s only your things moving to his son’s room.

He has no business moving your things in that way, especially when they’re in perfectly innocuous spots like headphones on a charger. If he truly has this problem, should you start labeling all of your items in large print with your name so he’ll realize it’s yours and not to be moved??? I can’t understand his reason for doing this. The reason doesn’t matter though, because he needs to stop doing it.

Malice_A4thot − I thought the title said “thongs” and I almost yelped! . INFO: so he’s been doing this consistently for two years? It’s not a recent thing? I saw you say that you haven’t escalated this further because you hate to fight. He knows that about you and I think that’s why he’s doing this.  (This reminds me of the other current thread with the woman whose husband obsessively tightens / glues all the jars shut.) 

iheartwords − This is odd. There has to be a reason why, after two years, he picks things up and puts them in his son’s room and never in yours.

These are popular opinions on Reddit, but do they really reflect the full complexity of the situation? While the online support can be validating, navigating such interpersonal dynamics in real life often requires more nuanced understanding and direct communication. This seemingly minor conflict over misplaced belongings actually touches upon fundamental aspects of cohabitation: respect for personal space, effective communication, and the acknowledgment of each partner’s feelings. The girlfriend’s frustration is palpable, and her desire for her boyfriend to simply stop moving her things into his son’s room is a reasonable request.

The challenge lies in understanding the boyfriend’s motivations and finding a way to communicate that fosters mutual respect and consideration. Ultimately, a harmonious shared living space requires both partners to feel that their boundaries are honored and their concerns are taken seriously. What strategies do you think this couple could use to address this ongoing issue and find a resolution that works for both of them?

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