AITA for sending my daughter home in cheap clothes?

In a quiet suburban home, a father’s frustration simmers as his 7-year-old daughter, Kiki, returns from her mother’s house in tattered, ill-fitting clothes. The once-vibrant outfits he sent her in come back stained, torn, or caked in mud, leaving him caught between practicality and pride. For this dad, ensuring Kiki looks and feels her best is a priority, but her mother’s carelessness with clothes sparks a heated clash.

This co-parenting tug-of-war has ignited a fiery debate: is it petty to send Kiki to her mom’s in budget-friendly outfits to avoid ruin, or is it a smart move to preserve her wardrobe? The story unfolds with raw emotion, relatable struggles, and a dash of family tension that’s got Reddit buzzing with opinions.

‘AITA for sending my daughter home in cheap clothes?’

I (35m) have a daughter Kiki (7f) with my ex girlfriend Yvonne (34f) and have 50/50 shared custody. Every time Yvonne sends Kiki back home to me she is in dingy old clothes. They are either too small & cut so she can fit them, stained, have holes, too big, not weather appropriate (long sleeves in the summer) etc, and her shoes are always filthy.

I know Yvonne makes less money than me, which is why we have an agreed upon amount of money I send her monthly for Kiki’s expenses. My wife Sara (30f) also came up with the idea that I just cover Kiki’s childcare/education expenses since it won’t break the bank for us and that way Yvonne can just use all the money I send her for Kiki.

We didn’t want to send Kiki home in the clothes her mom sent her in so we started sending her home in clothes we purchased. She would always send her home with the outfit ruined. Sara’s mom bought Kiki some cute new shoes and Kiki begged to wear them to her mom’s. She was sent home in another raggedy outfit, with the shoes completely ruined and muddy.

Yvonne said they went to the park in them. Sara was pissed so she went & bought a bunch of clothes from stores like Rainbow, H&M, Walmart etc & we sent those over there so if they’re ruined it will not matter and she can keep all her nice clothes here.

Yvonne called us petty and said keeping tabs on clothes and shopping at “cheap stores to send to mommy’s house” is offensive to Kiki and creating a toxic environment. I just don’t want my daughter walking around looking a mess when she doesn’t have to.

It’s embarrassing and I know it doesn’t make Kiki feel good. I feel like keeping all her quality stuff and favorite outfits here preserves them so she has it. She doesn’t know the difference between the clothes quality and just sees the designs. But Reddit am I really being selfish and petty? AITA?

Co-parenting can feel like navigating a minefield, especially when priorities clash. In this case, the father’s decision to send Kiki in affordable clothes stems from a practical need to protect her wardrobe, but it’s stirred up accusations of pettiness. Let’s unpack this.

The father’s frustration is clear: despite covering childcare and sending child support, Kiki returns in worn-out outfits, and her nice clothes are consistently ruined. Yvonne’s reaction—calling the budget clothing choice “toxic”—suggests a deeper rift in communication. According to family therapist Dr. John Gottman, “Healthy co-parenting requires mutual respect and clear boundaries” (The Gottman Institute). Here, the lack of agreement on clothing care highlights a disconnect. The father’s choice to prioritize Kiki’s appearance at his home is reasonable, but Yvonne may feel judged by the “cheap” clothes.

This situation reflects a broader issue: co-parenting often involves navigating financial disparities. A 2022 study from the Pew Research Center notes that 30% of co-parents report conflicts over money and child expenses (Pew Research Center). Yvonne’s financial struggles may explain her sensitivity, but her failure to maintain Kiki’s clothes raises questions about responsibility. The father’s solution—buying affordable outfits—avoids waste while ensuring Kiki is presentable.

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Dr. Gottman advises co-parents to “focus on the child’s well-being over personal grudges.” The father could propose a shared clothing budget or discuss Kiki’s care routine with Yvonne to align expectations. Open dialogue, though tricky, could prevent future clashes. For now, his practical approach keeps Kiki looking good without breaking the bank, a win for both father and daughter.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit didn’t hold back on this one, serving up a spicy mix of support and shade. Here’s what the community had to say, raw and unfiltered:

[Reddit User] − NTA. Yvonne, I think, purposely sees to it that the new clothes you send Kiki in are ruined. Now she's mad because you are sending Kiki to her in clothes where it won't matter if they are ruined or not. She's the AH.

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NatashOverWorld − Start keeping a photographic record of your kid when she arrives. If you're giving money for her needs, there's no reason for her to be ragged and dirty all the time. There may be misuse of the money you send as well as n**lect involved.. Keep your daughter safe man.

penguin_squeak − NTA Children are rough on clothing. I don't know what Rainbow is but Walmart, Target and H&M have decent clothing for children so I don't know what your ex girlfriend is complaining about, does she expect you to shop at Nordstroms for a seven year old.

walnutwithteeth − NTA. You are sending her to her mother's in new, clean, well fitting clothes. Whether they are from walmart or not is immaterial. If anything, spending money on expensive clothes for a 7 year old is throwing it down the drain due to how quickly they grow.

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Your ex needs to spend the child support money on her child to ensure that she is well cared for. Sending her in ill-fitting, inappropriate clothing is not doing that. She is creating her own toxic environment and then throwing a s**t fit about it.

AggravatingDriver559 − TIL H&M is a cheap store. There’s really nothing with the stores you mentioned and a child (esp. that age) doesn’t need expensive clothes anyway, so long as they’re proper. Yvonne is being petty.. NTA

Sensitive_Raccoon_24 − NTA it's down to her to buy for her home just as its down to you to buy for yours. She's just being selfish and she's the one who's causing harm to your wee one. Of she's coming home in dirty, stinky ill fitting clothes maybe you should look at getting full custody as I would think that's classed as abuse from her mother ( not 100% sure it would be classed as abuse maybe speak to a solicitor)

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[Reddit User] − NTA. You're not sending her over there in cheap clothes for no reason or to get back at her mother. You've actually tried sending her over in decent clothes and they get ruined. Let Yvonne call you petty. I would be honest with her.

Say that you can't keep providing good clothes that will be ruined and that's what has been happening, so to avoid arguments and stress, you're focusing on clothes that can be ruined without breaking the bank. One thing--you said you have an 'agreement' about how much child support to pay in a way that sounds odd. I hope you don't mean that you've decided what to pay.

The courts or a mediator should. It may very well be that you're not paying enough, in which case I understand Yvonne's anger. It's just a reality that in most situations, the mother provides most of the childcare. If Yvonne was taking care of a baby instead of focusing on her career, then that's why she's poor. It wouldn't be fair if she had to struggle as a result.

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Pumpkinkra − NTA— so you pay Yvonne directly to buy her clothes but she doesn’t and Kiki, understandably, can’t keep them clean herself, of course it makes sense to have new clothes in good repair that are cheaper brands. And it certainly makes a better impression on other kids and teachers to have cheaper brands but clean and newish than tatted,

and dirty designer clothes. In my experience as a mom of a kid that age, I don’t hear them making fun of kids for having Walmart or H&M clothes. It’s awfully hypocritical to complain about H&M new clothes when the ones she sends her in are tattered and dirty.

Forensic_pharmacy − NTA. You're not being petty, you're just trying to make sure Kiki has some nice, clean clothes to wear when she's with you.

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wildfellsprings − INFO. Why are the clothes ruined each time? What do you mean by ruined - completely broken and unusable or just a bit dirty and will be fine after a clean? I think Kiki is old enough to start learning to care for her own items and discussing age appropriate cleaning of her items and personal responsibility over them.

If shoes get dirty and covered in mud she can learn to hose them down and leave them to try. I'd also talk to Kiki (again, age appropriate way) about having 'nice' clothes and playing clothes that are fine to mess around, get dirty and be a kid in.

bought a bunch of clothes from stores like Rainbow, H&M, Walmart etc & we sent those over there so if they’re ruined it will not matter and she can keep all her nice clothes here Absolutely fine IMO, kids don't need expensive clothes, they grow so fast and are generally way tougher on clothes than most adults.

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However it does sound a little as though you don't really understand the wear and tear and child can do to clothes in a short space of time and how little regard they have for 'nice' clothes or none nice clothes. It's just clothes to them and they don't know the difference unless you teach them it.

These Redditors rallied behind the father, cheering his practical approach while side-eyeing Yvonne’s handling of Kiki’s clothes. Some even hinted at deeper concerns, like potential neglect. But are these hot takes fanning the flames or hitting the mark?

This tale of torn clothes and co-parenting clashes shows how quickly small decisions can spiral into big drama. The father’s choice to send Kiki in budget outfits is a practical fix, but it’s clear communication with Yvonne needs work. What would you do if you were caught in this clothing conundrum? Share your thoughts and experiences—how do you navigate co-parenting challenges or family disagreements?

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