AITA for secretly giving my grandson some Christmas money but not my step granddaughter?

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A grandfather’s quiet act of support turned into a family storm when he slipped his struggling grandson Christmas cash, leaving his step-granddaughter with just a promise of chocolates. With his daughter’s affair tearing the family apart, the 17-year-old grandson needed a lifeline, but the demand for “fairness” sparked a heated clash.

This Reddit tale, steeped in loyalty and tough choices, hooks readers with a question: does family mean equal gifts, or prioritizing those who need it most?

‘AITA for secretly giving my grandson some Christmas money but not my step granddaughter?’

I am a retired man on a pension. I don’t get much money and I have to live frugally. My daughter had an affair with the man she is now. This broke up her marriage. the new family member is a 15 year old teenage girl who is technically my step grandchild now. I don’t see her often nor do I know her.

She lives with her mom. My daughter and her husband married as soon as her divorce was finalized 18 months ago. This has been extremely hard on my grandson. He is 17 and moody, angry, upset, lashing out at his mom. He doesn’t want to live with her but his dad hasn’t got a stable home due to the divorce.

My grandson is in need of someone ‘in his corner’. I decided. I wanted to gift him some money for Christmas. Normally I don’t give cash to any family member but I want to help him. He is not dealing well. I gave him the money in secret and asked that he invest wisely. Not blow it on girls or pot. He said he will buy a car, I said okay.

My daughter found the cash in my sons room after doing a ‘random’ search and wanted to know where the money came from. I told her the truth so she would not suspect my grandson of wrongdoing. She told her partner and they both want me to take my gift back because my stepdad grand daughter is left out.

I don’t want to take the gift back. My grandson needs to know someone is thinking of him. I do not feel I am obligated to gift money to someone else’s child just because their parent has a skewed vision of what is fair. I will gift the girl some chocolate on Christmas and I think that is appropriate. My wife has passed away and I have no one to ask so I am hoping the internet will be of some use. Thank you.

This family feud highlights the tension between fairness and emotional support in blended families. The grandfather’s gift to his grandson, reeling from his mother’s affair, was a gesture of love, while excluding his step-granddaughter reflects their distant bond.

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Dr. Patricia Papernow, a stepfamily expert, notes, “Blended families often struggle with unequal attachments, but prioritizing existing relationships isn’t unfair.” The grandfather’s choice aligns with his grandson’s emotional needs, though the daughter’s demand for equality stems from her own family dynamics.

Blended family disputes are common; a 2024 study found 45% of stepfamilies face conflicts over perceived favoritism. The daughter’s reaction, while understandable, overlooks the grandfather’s limited resources and closer tie to his grandson. Papernow suggests open communication to clarify intentions.

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The grandfather could explain his reasoning calmly, perhaps offering a small, non-monetary gesture to the step-granddaughter, like a shared outing, to ease tensions.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit’s crew rallied with fiery support and practical tips.

LucidOutwork − NTA I think your assessment of the situation is spot-on. He needs someone in his corner, and that person is you. Perhaps you can go with him to buy a car and help him out that way if she insists he can't keep the money.

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And there is no problem treating him and his step-daughter differently. Your relationship is different -- you hardly know her. They aren't little kids anymore and they can deal with that.. EDIT: Thank you for the silver! If I could pass it on to the grandson, I would.

boat_against_current − NTA. Your grandson is lucky to have you, and vice versa.

nylajx − NTA. You're a great PawPaw.. Edit - thanks for the silver!

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amikavenka − NTA I was a stepmom so I can tell you this child is not living with your daughter nor is she raising her. I would not give her anything either.

twitchypeet − NTA you should not be expected to give money to your new granddaughter if you are not close with her. If you have to take the gift back try returning the favor to your grandson in another way. I think spending time with him would mean more. Or use the money to take a trip together. That would mean more than cash anyway

SassyPants5 − NTA but my suggestion is, don’t make it a Christmas present. Make it a “just because” present. Maybe even take him out car shopping, and make it a special thing between the two of you.. Give them something of equal value for Christmas.

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teresajs − NTA. Take the money back and take your grandson out to pick out a car to buy.

loudent2 − NTA but I wouldn't trust your daughter. Agree to take the money back and then go with your grandson to purchase a car. Make sure to have it in your name and say you are 'loaning' it to your grandson, then amend your will to make sure he gets the car if something happens to you.

perfectcell1 − NTA, your daughter is for multiple reasons. 1. She f**king cheated on her husband, that obviously affected the boy, no need to say anymore than that alone. 2. She doesn’t even have a good relationship with him and is trying to guilt trip you by saying that her blood child shouldn’t be given a gift that would actually help him and that the step daughter needs more for no reason.

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3. She is being a h**ocrite, acting like you are entitled to give her new family money as a part of a dynamic she’s trying to push onto you and obviously tried it on her son. Then she doesn’t bring the damn kid to your place, you don’t need to give to a stranger and essentially the step-daughter is one through no fault of her own.

Don’t let your guard down, tell her she get nothing but a series of misfortunes if she continues trying to middle in the relationship you are maintaining with the grandson. I applaud you for stepping up for your grandkid.

vodka_philosophy − NTA. It's your money; you can give it to whomever you want. If your grandson is close to graduating, maybe see if you can help him figure out the quickest-but-most-secure way to move out to escape what has to be a difficult home to live in.

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From cheering the grandfather’s loyalty to suggesting car-shopping bonding, these takes spark debate. But do they fully untangle the mess of family fairness?

This story of a grandfather’s gift and a family’s fallout leaves us pondering loyalty’s limits. His support for his grandson shines, but should he have included his step-granddaughter? Was his secret cash a lifeline or a spark for conflict? What would you do in a fractured family facing gift-giving drama? Share your thoughts—how do you balance love and fairness in tough times?

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