AITA for saying no to being adopted when my siblings and stepsiblings said yes?

Shirley Stafford Hours
Comments 0 Comments

In a cozy suburban home, where family photos line the walls, a 16-year-old girl stands at a crossroads. Her heart clings to the memory of her late father, a bond that feels as vivid as the day he left. Yet, her mother and stepfather, John, envision a unified family under one name, pushing for a grand adoption plan. The tension is palpable, as her refusal casts a shadow over their dream, leaving her to question: is she wrong for holding on to her past?

This story unfolds with raw emotion, as the teen navigates grief, loyalty, and family pressure. Her siblings and stepsiblings embrace their stepfather as “Dad,” but for her, the word carries a different weight. Readers can’t help but wonder: how do you balance honoring a lost parent with embracing a new family dynamic?

‘AITA for saying no to being adopted when my siblings and stepsiblings said yes?’

I'm 16f and I have a sister and a brother who are 9m and 8f. My mom is married to John, who has a son 11m and a daughter who is 9f. My dad died while my mom was pregnant with my sister. She met John two years later and they married quickly (7 months after meeting). The other four kids consider mom and John as their parents.

My sister is especially close to John and calls him dad 100% of the time, and considers my dad to be \*my\* dad and not hers. My brother is a little more mixed. Calls John dad but does ask about our dad at times, and does keep a photo of him in his bedroom. John and my mom wanted to do a big adoption where he adopts us, and she adopts his kids, and then our last name changes to his.

The other four kids are on board for this but I am not. It's been a two year discussion of sorts. Covid meant they couldn't proceed for a while and then, when they looked into it, they learned I would not be adopted and my name wouldn't be changed, without my giving the go ahead. For almost a full year now they have tried everything from therapy,

to bringing it up in front of other family members so I will accept. I told them I was not going to agree. So they filed for the four adoptions and two name changes to happen. They feel the whole thing was less special and had a sour note to it because I was not included in the adoption and name change. My sister was so mad at me for making her dad upset.

John's kids hate me for rejecting their dad. My brother was more upset that the whole thing was such a focus really. My mom told me the moment was almost perfect and I was the reason it wasn't. She told me letting John be my new dad was in no way replacing my dad and that I was going to regret it when I'm the one who's the odd one out in the future.

I told her I already have been, because I am the only one who doesn't say mom and dad for her and John, I'm the only one who has memories of the parent I lost, and I'm the one who had to be hounded by it forever. John told me he's sick of my s**t and he hopes I regret this decision in a few years time, because he won't offer again. I told him I didn't want him to offer again.. AITA?

ADVERTISEMENT

This family’s saga reveals the delicate dance of blending families while respecting individual grief. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned family therapist, notes in his work on family dynamics, “Grief is not a one-size-fits-all process; it’s deeply personal and can shape identity for years” . The teen’s refusal to be adopted reflects her need to preserve her father’s legacy, a choice rooted in loyalty rather than rebellion.

Her mother and John, however, seem focused on a unified family image, which can feel dismissive to her grief. Their pressure, including public discussions and therapy sessions, risks alienating her further. According to a 2023 study from the American Psychological Association, 60% of teens in blended families report feeling caught between loyalties . This statistic highlights the teen’s struggle as a common, yet painful, experience.

ADVERTISEMENT

Dr. Gottman’s advice emphasizes open communication: “Families must validate each member’s feelings to build trust.” Here, the teen’s mother and John could benefit from acknowledging her connection to her late father, rather than pushing for a symbolic adoption. Offering her space to grieve while fostering family unity could bridge the gap.

For the teen, journaling or therapy focused on grief could help process her emotions. Meanwhile, her family should prioritize empathy over ultimatums, ensuring she feels heard. This approach fosters healing without erasing her father’s memory.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, serving up a spicy mix of support and shade for the teen’s dilemma. Their comments range from fist-bumping her courage to side-eyeing her family’s tactics. Here’s the unfiltered scoop from the crowd:

ADVERTISEMENT

[Reddit User] − NTA. He isn’t your dad. You don’t want him to be your dad. The fact that your mother and step father are putting this amount of pressure on a child is ridiculous.

Aggravating_Ad9046 − NTA. Geez. Your mother and John are ridiculous. They’re more interested in appearances and creating their “perfect moment” than they are in your what’s best for you and your well-being.

[Reddit User] − NTA. If I’m doing math right, and your sister is 8, and your dad passed while she was in utero, that means you’d have been 8 or so when he died. And 10-11 ish when your mom and John married, whereas your sister would have been 2-3. So while it’s very understandable she’d view John as her father, as he’d be the only one she’s ever known,

ADVERTISEMENT

you had years of memories with your dad, and presumably remember his death and funeral as well. They asked you to change a major piece of your literal identity, your name, and acknowledge someone in a role you do not see him in, John as your dad. It’s very sad your mother pushed so hard for you to participate in this mess.

[Reddit User] − Nta his response tells me you would have never been accepted by him as his own.

NidorinoBeano − NTA John sounds like an a**hole from how he spoke to you and they all need to be understanding rather than acting like that to you

ADVERTISEMENT

JulieB1ggerbear − With parents like that, who needs enemies? NTA at all, OP, and I am so sorry to hear that your mom and John refuse to honor your choice regarding the adoption offer. They’re being awfully childish about not getting their way right now, hopefully some day they’ll snap out of it.

CiphersciGoldeneye − NTA, and it's honestly disgusting that he would say he's 'sick of your s**t'.

eula-lie − NTA. The other kids are much younger and cannot possibly comprehend what you've been through. I'd say your mom is TA here big time, as she's trying to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. Expecting you to be ok with changing your last name - to be your step dad's and not you actual father's - is absolutely ridiculous to me.

ADVERTISEMENT

lyralady − NTA your mom and stepdad seem like they've been trying to bully you into this and have little to no respect for your grief and the way in which you're approaching this. You're not being unreasonable - but using family therapy to force 'their way,' is.

oieusouobixo − so because you won't take his family name, John is now wishing ill on you?. wow, he sounds like a great parent honestly, the whole thing sounds so petty. families are made and broken regardless of legal statuses and any of that s**t. for me, people who insist on these things like it was a end all, be all usually are lacking in what really matters. but I'm mostly speculating.

you don't have to accept to being adopted. it shouldn't be that big of a deal. getting adopted changes nothing, except for maybe some minor bureaucratic s**t. it all sounds more like a power trip to me. now, I would be surprised if they found some petty way to retaliate sometime in the future, so I'd be looking for my way out, like getting my own money and s**t like that.. NTA

ADVERTISEMENT

These Redditors rallied behind the teen’s choice, slamming her mother and John for prioritizing optics over emotions. Some called John’s harsh words a red flag, while others urged empathy for the younger kids. But do these fiery takes capture the full story, or are they just fueling the drama?

This teen’s story reminds us that family isn’t just about shared names—it’s about shared respect. Her stand to honor her late father highlights the messy, beautiful complexity of blended families. By holding her ground, she’s carved out space for her grief, even if it ruffles feathers. Yet, the family’s hurt feelings show how hard it is to balance everyone’s needs. What would you do if you were caught between honoring a lost parent and embracing a new family? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

Share this post
ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *