AITA for saying my autistic older brother can’t stay with me during holidays anymore?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The holiday season sparkles with joy, but for one 25-year-old woman, Christmas turned into a whirlwind of chaos. Pregnant, exhausted, and juggling family expectations, she opened her home to her autistic brother and sister, hoping for a cozy celebration. Instead, she faced screaming meltdowns, shattered glass, and a thermostat cranked to a sweltering 82 degrees. The final straw? Her grandparents’ harsh words for being late to the family gathering, pushing her to a tearful breaking point.

This Reddit tale captures the raw tension of love clashing with limits. As she navigates her brother’s needs and her own crumbling patience, readers are drawn into a story that’s both heart-wrenching and relatable. How far does family duty stretch when you’re stretched thin yourself? Her emotional outburst raises questions about caregiving, boundaries, and the weight of holiday pressure.

‘AITA for saying my autistic older brother can’t stay with me during holidays anymore?’

For back story i grew up with my brother i (25f) and him (31m) so i know he can be challenging. I have always tried to have patience with him as i know he can't help doing some things due to his autism.  So this weekend i said him and my sister could stay at my house (the live over 4 hours away) i took the day off work to prepare for them despite needing the money.

My sister calls around the time they should have been arriving to say my brother is throwing a fit and no longer wants to come to family Christmas. I understand i know how hard traveling and not having a set schedule is for him.. Fast forward 5 hours they finally show up at 11pm.

The second he walks in the door he starts screaming for me. I run over to see what he needs and if he's okay. He immediately ask where he can plug in his laptop and starts gaming. 10 minutes later he's complaining my house is to cold. I already have the heater higher then i want it and everyone else in the house is comfortable.

So i give him an extra blanket and go to bed. He stayed up all night playing loud games and kept me awake. I asked him to go to bed multiple times. Then at 6am he comes in my room without knocking and ask for breakfast. I tell him to make cereal because i need sleep.

I hear him scream and low and behold he has dropped my good glass mixing bowl on the floor and there's glass and milk everywhere. I'm 5 months pregnant have no sleep am hot (he turned my thermostat up to 82) and now have to clean this mess.

I clean it up shower and tell him to be ready to leave in 20 minutes for my grandparents. My sister (22f) gets him his things then heads to my grandmas. I go to leave with him and he has gone to sleep. We were 3 hours late to Christmas because he refused to get up.

We finally get there and my grandparents yell at me for bringing him late. I start crying and tell everyone I'm never keeping my brother at my house again and someone else can do it next time.. Now my family says I'm being an over emotional ah.. So AITA here?

Edited because i forgot to add. We no longer have parents my mom passed last year and my father left when we were young. My brother having autism and my sister being epileptic (she would have weekly seizures as an infant and small child) was to much for him.

Second edit to say thank you all for the outpouring support. I really thought a few people would think i was wrong but everyone here has been kind and helpful instead. We will be contacting his social worker and therapist first thing monday morning and looking into other resources for him.

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We just want what's best for him and this post has shown me we might have originally made the wrong choice.. I want to thank everyone for the advice and support.  Edit  i am trying to respond and read all the comments and give replies to questions. I have gotten over 600 comments.. I only have the 1 sister.

She is the care giver because she volunteered as she has a stay at home husband who can help 24/7.. I am pregnant but divorced my husband 2 months ago so he is not in the picture.  I want to thank everyone who recommend resources and i will be sitting down with my family and social worker to look into different,better options.

Hosting family during the holidays can feel like walking a tightrope, especially when special needs are in play. This woman’s struggle with her autistic brother highlights a deeper issue: the emotional toll of caregiving without adequate support. Her frustration is palpable, caught between love for her brother and the chaos his behavior unleashed.

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Dr. Rachel Goldman, a clinical psychologist, notes, “Caregiver burnout is real, particularly when managing complex needs like autism without clear boundaries” (source). Here, the woman’s pregnancy and lack of sleep amplified her stress, while her brother’s actions—screaming, breaking items—pushed her limits. His autism may explain some behaviors, but as Goldman suggests, “Clear expectations and structured environments can mitigate disruptions.” The sister’s role as primary caregiver adds another layer, hinting at her own burnout.

The broader issue is society’s expectation that families handle such challenges alone. A 2022 study from the National Autism Society found 78% of caregivers report chronic stress (source). This woman’s family criticized her reaction, yet none offered to host her brother themselves—a classic case of guilt-tripping to avoid responsibility. Setting boundaries, as she did, is healthy, though her emotional delivery sparked backlash.

For solutions, experts recommend professional support. Residential programs or respite care could ease the burden while offering her brother structured activities (source). She’s already exploring resources with a social worker, a wise move. Family discussions to share caregiving duties could also rebuild trust. Her story underscores the need for compassion—for herself as much as her brother.

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Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, serving up a mix of empathy and spicy takes. They rallied behind this exhausted woman, with some calling her family out for dodging responsibility. Here’s the unfiltered scoop from the crowd:

amyamy441 − NTA. If I could hug you, I would.  I don't think you're the a**hole for saying he can't stay with you anymore. I think a moratorium on extended visits in the near future is warranted.

I do hope you welcome him again when the holidays are over and life is a bit less pressured from all sides, although with a new baby that could be a while. Also, I would privately explain how the last 24 hours have been to your grandparents because they owe you an apology

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rose_cactus − NTA. He’s incredibly rude (what you describe can’t be traced back to the autism), and you’re not obliged to host someone who’s this much an a**hole to you and also breaking your things. If your family wants your brother at Christmas, they can host him themselves.

They give you flak because they know full well what would await them if *they* had to host him, so they try to make you feel guilty to keep you compliant next time.  Edited to add: well, isn’t it funny how everyone assumes I have no clue about meltdowns when in fact I’m neurodiverse myself and struggle with emotional self regulation,

and meltdowns from sensory overload (heat, smells, noises) at least three times a week (it’s the adhd life), yet *somehow* I manage to not be a jerk to others (or at least excuse the behaviour and never do it again because I am receptive to people’s “cut the crap, cactus!”) when melting down or having troubles regulating my emotional response to things?

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dog_food_lid99 − So what I’m hearing is that your family expects you to be your brothers punching bag. If it’s no big deal to have him stay over then perfect, all your family members should have no problem hosting him instead. NTA

redwolf1219 − NTA and theyre only calling you one bc they dont want to be the ones to host him

Kittytigris − NTA, you’re pregnant and hormonal and they yell at you just because your brother is ill behaved? That’s ridiculous, your brother is autistic and it’s not easy dealing with autism,

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and the family should have understood and gave you all some flexibility regarding him. If that’s the way they’re going to behave just because you’re late, they can take care of him instead. No need to stress yourself out.

Advena-Nova − Yikes. You’re definitely NTA. Your extended family definitely are assholes. You’re sister might also be the a**hole but I feel for her, from what you’re saying she seems like she at the end of her rope. You’re definitely not obligated to host anyone. You might also want to talk to your sister about getting additional help for your brother.

Khat_Force_1 − NAH, you had a carer's breakdown and it can happen to anyone when you have to care for someone that has challenging behaviour. It sounds as if your sister was struggling as well and needed sometime away from him.

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I think you're an absolute saint for sticking by your family and making time to help. Your kid is going to be very lucky to have you as their mum. Have a great Xmas and God Bless you.. Edit: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger. Happy holidays

helcatrama − NTA. Your sister sounds burnt out. Based on your description of your brother, no wonder. Getting him into a good residential placement is the best plan to preserve all of your family relationships. It's too much. Please also consider how this could benefit him on a daily basis as well as supporting the family structure.

Lots of residential placements offer activities and age appropriate social connections. Do your research carefully because there are bad places out there, too. Congratulations on your pregnancy and best wishes to you. You seem like a wonderful person and sister.

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IsNoMore − NTA. This is such a tough situation and you obviously love your brother.  Next year you will have an infant. Your hands will be full, it’s perfectly okay to tell some one else to take up the slack.

Overpunch42 − NTA- I also have autism and even I would say that this is too much for me to bare, that your brother is being unreasonable and a jerk. He's gonna need to learn that such behavior is unacceptable.

These Redditors cheered her for standing her ground, though some urged patience given her brother’s autism. But do their snap judgments capture the full picture, or are they just fueling the drama?

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This woman’s story is a raw reminder that love doesn’t mean limitless sacrifice. Pregnant, grieving her mother’s recent passing, and facing family criticism, she drew a line to protect her peace. Her journey to find better support for her brother shows resilience, not selfishness. Caregiving is a team effort, and her family needs to step up. What would you do if you were in her shoes, balancing family duty with your own breaking point? Share your thoughts below!

 

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