AITA for Skipping My Sister’s Funeral Over a Disrespectful Catholic Service?

The air feels heavy in a small family home, where grief hangs like a storm cloud after the sudden loss of a vibrant 16-year-old. Her 19-year-old sister, still reeling from the tragedy, faces a heart-wrenching dilemma: attend a Catholic funeral that her fiercely anti-religious sibling would have despised or honor her memory in private. Their parents, devout Catholics, insist on a traditional service, ignoring their late daughter’s beliefs, leaving the sister torn between family unity and loyalty to her sibling’s truth.

This clash of grief and values sparks a raw confrontation, with the sister refusing to attend the funeral, believing it disrespects her sister’s legacy. Her parents call her selfish, accusing her of fracturing the family. Was she wrong to stand by her sister’s convictions, even at the cost of shared mourning? This story dives into the messy intersection of loss, faith, and personal integrity.

‘AITA for Skipping My Sister’s Funeral Over a Disrespectful Catholic Service?’

My sister (16f) and I (19f) were baptized as Catholic and grew up Catholic because of our parents but both of us stopped practicing and in our early teens and my sister became pretty critical of organized religion and the Catholic Church in particular. She was even talking about wanting to formally resign from the church.

My sister passed away on Thursday, and my parents made arrangements for a Catholic wake and funeral.  The wake was yesterday, and the Catholic elements made me so uncomfortable because I knew my sister would have hated it so much. It felt so disrespectful to her.

My parents knew about her beliefs, and I'd reminded them that Catholic funeral rites would be inappropriate for her when they were planning the wake and funeral, and they totally disregarded it. The funeral is tomorrow, and I told my parents I don't want to attend. I don't think I can sit through a full Catholic funeral mass for someone I know would have been deeply offended by having a funeral mass held for them.

I said I'd just do something to honor her privately, in a non-religious way, by myself.  My parents are very offended and angry.  They say I'm disrespecting my sister by not going to the funeral, but I think it would be disrespectful for me to go knowing it's not the kind of funeral she would have wanted.

My parents also say I'd be hurting them and the rest of the family by not showing up to for them during such a difficult time, and by deliberately causing drama. I'm not trying to cause drama, and I don't plan on telling anyone but my parents why I'm not going, I just don't feel comfortable going.. AITA?

Update: I didn't end up going. I couldn't stomach it. I just told everyone I was too o**rwhelmed to go. It's true that funerals are for the living, but I'm the living too and I don't think I would have been able to sit through that funeral, let alone properly say goodbye to her and mourn her there. I'm going to say goodbye to her in my own way, probably with her friends.

Grief can tear families apart when values collide, as seen in this sister’s stand to honor her sibling’s beliefs. The parents’ choice of a Catholic funeral reflects their need for comfort in faith, but it dismisses their late daughter’s rejection of religion, leaving her sister feeling like an unwilling participant in a betrayal. The sister’s refusal to attend prioritizes her sibling’s memory over family expectations, a choice rooted in love but fraught with tension.

Funerals often serve the living, but they should also respect the deceased. A 2021 survey by the National Funeral Directors Association found that 60% of Americans prefer personalized funerals reflecting the individual’s values . Here, the parents’ disregard for their daughter’s anti-religious stance risks alienating her sister, who feels bound to uphold her sibling’s truth.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a grief counselor, notes, “Funerals should balance honoring the deceased with supporting the mourners’ needs” . The parents’ grief may blind them to their daughter’s beliefs, while the sister’s absence could deepen their pain. Compromise, like attending briefly or holding a separate memorial, might have bridged the gap, but her decision reflects her right to grieve authentically.

For those facing similar conflicts, experts suggest open dialogue and separate rituals to honor differing needs.

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Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit’s weighing in with some heartfelt and fiery takes, like friends huddled over coffee hashing out a tough call.

EssexCatWoman - NTA. Funerals are for the living. That would be the only reason I would consider going - they’ve clearly found a service that suits them in their remembrance of their daughter. I think you are between a rock and a hard place - what do you want to happen? What do you think will happen after the funeral if you do/don’t attend?

Your sister would not have wanted Catholic pomp. Many people attend religious ceremonies as guests (eg weddings) in order to simply show support - I wonder if your sister would have wanted you and your parents to be divided by this at this time though?

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alongstrangesomethin - NAH You’re right and you are trying to fulfill your sisters wishes, which is commendable. You’re clearly a very sensitive and empathetic person and that is commendable. However you should extend some of that empathy to your parents. Your parents just lost a daughter.

They are suffering. My opinion is that funerals aren’t really for the dead but rather for the living. It’s a way to grieve. By not going you are making things a bit more complicated. In the end I don’t think anyone is the a**hole per se. I think that whatever you decide is right per se. But I would go with your parents to the funeral. You need to support each other as a family.. Sorry for your loss.

BlitheNonchalance - NTA. So very much NTA. For all the reasons you said. Losing a sibling is a special kind of hurt, I can empathise as I lost my brother many years ago. I'm sure your sister would be so proud of you for standing up for her beliefs and that she would want you to do what makes you feelings happy. I am very sorry for your loss.

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[Reddit User] - I have 3 thoughts about this: 1. You don't disrespect the dead. If they wanted to be put to rest a certain way, you do that. You treat their body how they wanted it treated. 2. At the same time, funerals are for the living, not the dead. All that your parents are doing, is being done to make them feel better. And that's okay. Or it would be, if they were having their ceremony in their corner while treating her body like she wanted it to be treated in the other corner.

3. You can mourn however you want to. They have the whole damn family to comfort them. They don't need you doing extra work on top of having to see this disrespect. If they can't live without you for one day, or even a few days, they need a professional counselor. Maybe they can ask their priest.. NTA.

UnlikelyCrazy6 - I'm so sorry for your loss. I get both sides. They say funerals are for the living. Which they kind of are. This particular service is how your parents are choosing to grieve the loss of their daughter. Don't try and stop them from doing that.

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In the same right though they should take away your right to grieve the loss of your sister the way you choose to do it. Grief a very powerful thing so if you can just bare through it for your parents you should go, I'm betting they really want to keep you close to them right now. But if you choose not to go you are so NTA.

Infamous-Wasabi-9007 - NTA. There are two purposes for funerals.. As some have said, they are for the living. To allow them to mourn. To share their grief. But a funeral is also about honoring the deceased. You have every right to not attend to honor your sister.

However, you will damage your relationship with your parents by not going. I suggest that your sister would not want that to happen. You can go to the funeral for the sole purpose of supporting your parents in their time of need. Your sister will understand.. I am very sorry for your loss.

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AnnieAbattoir - NAH. It's good that you want to stand up for your sister's beliefs. You're nta there. But your sister is beyond pain and your parents are not. You've lost your sister, but they've also lost their child, and right now if the church service gives them any measure of comfort at all I doubt your sister would object.

Honor your sister in a way you feel appropriate for her and for your relationship with her. But I would gently urge you to be with your parents while they say goodbye to a part of their souls, as a way to honor the relationship you all had together as a family.

joljenni1717 - This is a tricky one. Ok first NTA. I also want to say your parents are NTA. It has taken me years of sorrow and watching people grieve to understand that while funerals and services are to commemorate and remember the loved one; they're actually a way of having closure for those still grieving.

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For a religious parent to have closure they would need the Catholic service and to know their baby has gone to heaven. The funeral service isn't for your sister, it's for your parents as that is what they need to grieve. Go to their service to support them. Have your own smaller commemorative experience for you. Everyone gets to grieve and have closure the way it's needed, for them.

Buttercuppy44 - NTA you sound like a great sister and please keep standing up for her.

NobodyPerfect1175 - Nta. I am really sorry for your loss. Just make sure that this decision is being made clearly and not out of angry so you won't regret it in weeks/months/ or years to come. You can never take back not going

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These opinions stir the pot, but do they capture the full weight of grief and loyalty? Let us know what you think!

This heartbreaking saga shows how grief can fracture even the tightest families when beliefs clash. The sister’s choice to skip the funeral was a bold stand for her sibling’s truth, but it cost her family harmony. Could she have mourned alongside her parents while still honoring her sister privately, or was her boycott the only way to stay true? If you faced a funeral that betrayed a loved one’s wishes, what would you do? Drop your thoughts in the comments and let’s unpack this emotional tangle together!

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