AITA for rejecting my girlfriend’s birthday present?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Picture a dimly lit gallery opening, where a sharply dressed man in a tailored 1940s suit sips wine and cracks witty jokes, catching the eye of a woman with a sparkling laugh. That’s where our story begins, with a Reddit user whose vintage style is his badge of authenticity. But when his girlfriend’s birthday gift—a full-blown stylistic makeover—threatens to iron out his carefully curated identity, sparks fly. His blunt rejection leaves her in tears, and now their mutual friends are picking sides.

This tale of clashing tastes and personal expression hits a universal chord: how do you stay true to yourself when someone you love wants to change you? With Reddit buzzing and emotions running high, let’s dive into this sartorial saga to uncover who’s really in the wrong here.

‘AITA for rejecting my girlfriend’s birthday present?’

Yesterday it was my birthday, and my girlfriend surprised me with a present which I did not receive very well at all. My response upset her deeply and the stream of criticism I’m getting from our mutual friends is making me think that I’m an a**hole. Bear with me whilst I whip you through the story.

I have spent a good chunk of my life attempting to fit in and conform. This was the story of my teens and even my early 20s whilst at University. The result? I never felt comfortable in my own skin and was constantly forced to repress my true character.

These behaviours manifested themselves in a variety of ways: wearing clothing I thought was fashionable, spending long and tiring evenings at nightclubs; listening to music that I didn’t really like and maintaining friendships with people that I didn’t have much in common with.

The year I left university, my attitude changed. This may sound a little strange, but it is entirely relevant to this question: I wore the clothes that I wanted to wear. I’ve always had a passion for 1930s-1950s fashion and tailoring. This is exactly the type of clothing that I have worn ever since.

I fully admit that I do not look overly fashionable, maybe I even look as if I’m a cast member in a period drama at times, but I’m now happy and comfortable in my own skin. I don’t really want to change myself for anyone. I work as a musician and composer.

I have a wide circle of friends who work in the creative arts sector and met my current girlfriend whilst attending a friend’s gallery opening in January. We clicked because we had a similar sense of humour and worldview. The first few months have been great, and I’ve been happier than I have in a very long time.

As aforementioned, it was my birthday yesterday and we face timed each other. It serves to mention that my girlfriend comes from a wealthy background and her parents give her a (very) generous living allowance each month. Whilst on our call, she revealed her birthday present to me which was (I suppose) an extremely generous and thoughtful gift.

In short, she offered to give me a complete stylistic makeover and “bring my wardrobe into the 21st century” her words. My response was not positive to say the least. I explained to her that I was comfortable in my own skin and didn’t really intend to change who I was for anybody, that the clothes I wore were an expression of my personality

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and it would be dishonest to myself and others if I was to attempt to conform to the way others wanted me to behave. To make a massive understatement, she wasn’t very pleased. She hung up on me and then didn’t respond to my calls or texts through the rest of the day. Later on, a mutual friend contacted me to say how much I had upset her and how I should apologise.. Anyhow, before proceeding, I thought I should ask Reddit the definitive judge of all assholery - AITA.

UPDATE: I'm quite surprised at the level of attention this got. Therefore, I felt an update was in hand. First, I would like to clarify two things: Firstly, my wardrobe: Whilst I do have a large number of suits and jackets etc, I also do have more Casual items such as jeans, shirts and bomber jackets they do confirm to a 1950s style, however.

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It is not as if I wear a suit and tie whilst doing my weekly shop or running errands. I am a big believer that clothes should be appropriate to the event attended. My partner wanted me to start building a wardrobe based around very “modern” items that weren’t me at all.

Secondly, I should clarify that I did explain my reasons for rejecting the present to her properly. Some posters did wonder whether I had discussed the reasons underlying my sartorial choices. The answer to this is a yes. In fact, the first night we met she complimented me on my dress sense and ended up having an unexpectedly deep conversation about the why I dressed the way I did.

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I was therefore quite surprised by the fact she wanted me to change this. Anyhow, we spoke to each other last night. As neither of us were caught in the moment or flustered, I explained my point of view quite clearly and probably an awful lot better than in the first instance.

She also gave me more insight into the reasons why she’d made the initial request. It aspired that one of her closest friends (who has never really liked me) had made some comments and this is where the request had emerged from. I don’t want to make her life difficult, or cause friction within her friendship group so I did agree to try on a few pairs of trainers!

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As I said to someone who DM’ed me, the problem partly emerges from the fact that all my friends are creatives; many of us dress in quite bohemian and flamboyant ways. For someone who is still relatively new to my circle, I can see why this would be slightly jarring. However, she did accept that I wasn’t willing to make sweeping changes to my wardrobe.. So there we are, I suppose we can say some sort of middle ground has been found!. ​

Relationships often hinge on accepting each other’s quirks, but this Reddit user’s vintage wardrobe became a battleground. His girlfriend’s offer to “bring his wardrobe into the 21st century” wasn’t just a gift—it was a nudge to conform, clashing with his hard-won comfort in his retro style. Her intentions may have been kind, but the gesture misfired, especially since she knew his history of struggling with self-expression.

This situation taps into a broader issue: the pressure to fit societal norms versus embracing individuality. According to a 2021 study by YouGov, 62% of people feel societal pressure to conform to fashion trends, which can strain personal relationships when partners don’t align. Here, the girlfriend’s push for a makeover, influenced by her friend’s comments, reflects this tension.

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Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Acceptance is the foundation of intimacy; trying to change your partner’s core identity can erode trust” (source: Gottman Institute). In this case, the girlfriend’s gift, though generous, overlooked the Reddit user’s need to express himself authentically. Her reaction—hanging up and ignoring him—suggests embarrassment, but it also shut down communication.

For a resolution, open dialogue is key. The couple’s later conversation, where they found a middle ground, shows promise. The Reddit user could try small style tweaks, like those trainers, to ease social friction without losing himself. Meanwhile, his girlfriend should reflect on why her friend’s opinion outweighed her partner’s feelings. Mutual respect for each other’s individuality can turn this misstep into a growth moment.

See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit’s hot takes are as colorful as a vintage suit rack—candid, spicy, and all over the place! Here’s what the community had to say about this wardrobe war.

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comingtogetyoubabs − NTA - I would be rather offended if someone offered to revamp my wardrobe with different styles. 'Hey, let's lose the goth, maybe get you some flower prints' - nothing against them, but not for me. Seems like you were gentle and just tried to explain your stance while she threw a tantrum. The money value has no bearing - it was a bad idea.

shelbiiee − NTA - to me it sounds like she's uncomfortable with your style which is why she's suggested (by covering it up as a gift) a makeover.. I'd have reacted the same way, she probably means well but reality of it, it's insulting.

Ekaterini10 − NTA. It's really rude do give someone such a gif if someone never expressed something in this direction. Its like when you gift a girl make up if she isnt really big into make up. They would feel offended like you in this situation.. Does your girlfriend know your university story? If yes she would be defenitly an a**hole.

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monalovescats − Maybe she was genuinely trying to do a nice thing, but if you’ve only been dating since January this feels like a very over-the-top gift. It’s also presumptuous that she thinks you’ve been waiting for her to “bring your style into the 21st century.” INFO: Her reaction was exaggerated, but maybe she’s acting out of embarrassment and hurt? It also depends on how you said what you said - tone of voice is crucial here. Did you let her down gently?

witchwhichwish − There was a post here a few months ago about a girl dressing up like she's from the 50s all the time and her boyfriend not liking it. The general consensus was that if you look like you're in costume 100% of the time it can be embarrassing for your partner.. I think NAH.

Edit: I'll never understand why people argue with comments here. Go leave your judgement elsewhere and go. In the other post the girl was deemed to be the a**hole for dressing like she's from the 50s always. But apparently this guy is different.. Please stop arguing with me, I truly don't care.

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deadlyhausfrau − INFO: how did you refuse? In exactly those words, or did you phrase it some other way? I ask because it's odd that your mutual friend would tell you you'd upset her if you just calmly said, 'Oh, I actually prefer this way of dressing but thank you for the thought, let's do something else instead'.

Also, Marc if this is your throwaway then yes, you were probably the a**hole because you like to say really s**tty things in a 'classy gentlemanly way'. If this isn't Marc but some other guy who dresses like an old timey gentleman, apologies.

SocialMediaMisfit − NTA. If she can't accept you as you are, then she's not the one for you.

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PM_ME_SEXY_SANDWICH − You're the a**hole for improper and overuse of the word 'whilst' but not for not wanting a wardrobe overhaul. I have a feeling if she left this conversation in tears though and is still pissed, that you did not react as mildly as you are saying.

HankBuxley − 3 whilsts. YTA 😉

NachosPeligroso − YTA, but not hugely so. Clothing is a TERRIBLE present unless you are rock-solid certain that you know their tastes. If you get it wrong, it is as good as getting no present at all. I tend to discourage clothing as a present for me. However, it sounds as if you took it (or at least presented it to your gf) as some kind of attack.

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Bluntly, you sound kind of pretentious as f**k about the whole thing. Get over yourself. Her heart was in the right place. Nothing wrong with telling her that it isn't your taste, and that clothing isn't a good present for you. But you sounded extremely ungrateful and like you attacked her over it.. That's a good way to lose a gf.

These Reddit opinions range from fiery support to playful jabs at “whilst” overuse, but do they capture the full picture? Or are they just shouting into the digital void?

This Reddit saga reminds us that love doesn’t mean rewriting someone’s story—it’s about cherishing their unique pages. The couple’s compromise shows that communication can mend a fashion-fueled fight, but it’s a delicate dance. What would you do if your partner tried to change something core to your identity? Share your thoughts below—have you ever faced a similar clash of styles or values?

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