AITA for rejecting a bully from 10 years ago apology?

In a quiet moment disrupted by a ping from the past, a woman grappling with brain trauma faced an unexpected text: an apology from her middle school bully, a decade too late. With memories blurred by injury and fresh wounds from a recent ordeal, she crafted a polite but firm response, prioritizing her healing over rehashing old pain. The bully’s sharp retort reignited old tensions, leaving her questioning her choice.

This story of past wounds and present struggles dives into the delicate dance of apologies and forgiveness. Was her rejection a bold boundary, or did it stir unnecessary drama? Let’s explore this emotional clash and the lessons it holds about healing and closure.

‘AITA for rejecting a bully from 10 years ago apology?’

A mean girl from middle school texted me this morning to apologize for being mean to me back then (10-12 years ago). I wasn’t sure if I should respond but I thought it would be most polite to kindly tell her it’s not something I’d like to deal with right now.

I told her I’m glad she’s on a healing journey but unfortunately the apology is too late. I explained to her that I obtained brain trauma 2 years ago and can no longer remember the issues she was apologetic for (I remember she was a mean girl with a bad attitude but nothing specific).

I told her I didn’t want to talk it through or get coffee (she had offered) because I don’t want to relearn about my own trauma. I told her if I did remember I would reach out to her but that remembering is unlikely. I also told her it wasn’t physically possible for us to reconnect because I’m now living out of state in Boulder Colorado.

I mentioned that I am preoccupied with my disability and the recent event with my grocery store. (Not sure if I can say it on here but everyone has seen the news). I said in comparison to what I’m dealing with I just don’t have time right now to rehash middle school drama.

I wished her luck again with her healing journey. She came back at me and said ‘well I tried’. This was upsetting for me because to me it seemed like she was only doing it for her own well being and not mine. We exchanged a few more words and she ended up calling me ‘extra rude’ and said I just shouldn’t have responded.

I feel like I’m not the AH because I was just responding honestly and I truly thought it would be more polite then ghosting. I could be the AH for responding in the first place like she said, and for bring up the recent news event.

That might have been going too far. I’m having a really hard time dealing with the trauma from yesterday and maybe I should have toned down my explanation or just waited for a day that I felt more stable and less emotional.

ETA: thank you for the judgement NTA and thank you for all the kind words. I feel much more confident in myself and in my communications skills now. Some people are suggesting I block so I’m going to reiterate a comment I made below. I tried that very quickly but it didn’t work.

We are both iPhone users and she might have been texting my Apple ID instead of my phone number. I didn’t have her saved anymore so I could only block the number not the Apple ID. (Im not sure how she would have my Apple ID or how to get hers to block her) I’m not positive this is the case because I’m not very tech savvy but it’s the most logical answer I could find on google.

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Apologies from past bullies can reopen wounds, especially when life’s already heavy. The woman’s rejection, rooted in her brain trauma and recent trauma, reflects a need to protect her mental space.

Dr. Harriet Lerner, a psychologist specializing in apologies, says, “A true apology doesn’t demand forgiveness; it respects the recipient’s response”. The bully’s “well I tried” retort betrays a self-serving motive, not genuine remorse.

About 20% of trauma survivors report memory challenges, making revisiting past pain risky. The woman’s boundary-setting was healthy, prioritizing her recovery over the bully’s closure.

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Lerner suggests survivors focus on self-care, like therapy or journaling, to process such encounters. Blocking further contact, despite technical hurdles, could help.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit’s comment section lit up with support and witty jabs at the bully’s motives. Here’s the community’s take on this apology gone awry:

br-at- − NTA. A real apology has to include acceptance of whatever response the receiver has to give. The receiver owes nothing in the situation. If it was an honest apology the response might have been 'I understand, sorry to hear you are going through all that'

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'Well I tried' means she had an expectation of absolution and the apology was for her benefit and never yours.. She wasn't prepared for an uncomfortable reality... and that means she wasn't really ready to apologize.. (Btw, sorry you are going through all that!)

SydSmol − NTA. Therapist need to tell their clients that not everyone has to accept their apology. For some people it might be years too late. Its good that you straight up set boundaries.. Sorry to hear about that happened with your grocery store tho. I hope things get better soon.

Knitsanity − NTA. One of my HS bullies emailed me about 10 years ago apologizing for the pretty revolting things he had done. I searched online and I found out he went nowhere in life (not really surprising given his drink and Class A d**g lifestyle during HS)...working cleaning a punk rock concert venue.

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I was really upset and thought about it and talked to some people I trusted. They agreed it sounded like he was working some kind of 12 step program but I was under no obligation to provide him with what he thought he needed.. I ignored the email.

Glum_Orange7599 − NTA by her reaction, she was apologizing to make herself feel better, not to make things right. Don’t respond and if she continues, block her. You’re right that you don’t need to relearn your trauma.

Mud_Psycho − Old bully is feeling insecure so digs up an old victim to try to make themselves feel better and ends up bullying them all over again.

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Powerful_Sandwich854 − NTA From her reaction it seems she hasn’t learned anything. Like you said, it seems like she is only doing for own benefit. It is perfectly okay for someone to not accept an apology for being bullied

and that’s something the bully has to deal with. Genuine apologies shouldn’t be done for praise or expecting forgiveness, it should be done because that person deserves it either way. Some people don’t ever change and her guilt is not your problem.

yukidaviji − NTA. The fact she got mad at you for not accepting it tells me everything. She didn’t apologize for you. She didn’t apologize because she realized how her actions seriously caused harm to you.. She apologized to make herself feel good and look better.. Not because she was truly sorry of all the pain she caused.

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ComfortableZebra2412 − NTA you don't have to care one bit about the a random person who used to bully you

BigRad_Wolf − NTA, wow she is still a bit of one huh. Glad you didn't give her what she was looking for, she clearly doesn't deserve it.

[Reddit User] − NTA an apology is like a gift, the only way to do it is give it freely and with no strings attached. I think it is fine (albeit weird) that she apologized after all these years, but once given, the apology is yours to with as you please.

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Accept it, toss it, whatever. Her negative and self-centered sounding reaction shows it wasn't given freely, but rather to receive forgiveness / the feels for 'doing good'. That's not really an apology but rather an expectation masquerading as an apology.

These Redditors didn’t mince words, but do their views capture the full complexity?

This tale of a rejected apology shows how past pain can linger, even when offered closure. The woman’s choice to prioritize her healing over a bully’s redemption sparked a clash, but it also highlighted the power of boundaries. Navigating apologies is tricky, especially amid personal struggles. Would you have responded to the bully, or let silence speak? Share your stories and thoughts below—let’s keep this healing conversation going!

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