AITA for reiterating my house rules to my in-laws?

Charlotte Morse Hours
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In a home where shoes stay at the door, a woman braces for her in-laws’ Thanksgiving visit, haunted by her mother-in-law’s repeated defiance of this simple rule. After years of sneaky violations, she sends a firm message: respect the no-shoes policy or meet elsewhere. Her in-laws bristle, feeling unwelcome, and her husband calls her tone harsh, but she stands by her boundary, opting for an AirBnB to keep the peace.

This isn’t just about footwear—it’s a showdown over respect and control in a shared space. Reddit’s split verdict cheers her stand while critiquing her delivery, with some seeing petty power plays. Like a doormat worn thin, the story dives into the friction of family visits and firm rules, asking how you’d guard your home’s boundaries with stubborn guests.

‘AITA for reiterating my house rules to my in-laws?’

My husband and I take our shoes off in our house. Every time my mother-in-law has visited our house she has found a way to walk through the house in her shoes. She is not just forgetting--she is making conscious decisions (I won't go into detail, but it's not just forgetfulness).

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The last time she was in our house was 2 years ago Thanksgiving. She purposefully walked through the living room in shoes. She hasn't been back to our house due to the pandemic, but even before COVID I was adamant with my husband that I would have a serious discussion with her before she could come in again.

The in-laws want to come for Thanksgiving this year. I sent them a message reiterating that they need to follow this house rule or we will be meeting them in hotels and AirBnBs from now on. Here's an excerpt (included since tone is important): 'I have to remind everyone that we take our shoes off in the house.

No exceptions. That means every single time, you wear shoes outside, no shoes inside. I will have a chair by the door so you can sit to put your shoes off and on. 99% of our guests respect this rule, and I hope I can have a stress-free Thanksgiving knowing that my guests respect the one house rule that I ask them to follow.

Last Thanksgiving we hosted, I felt I had to be constantly vigilant, and that is stressful and means that I don't enjoy the holiday with my in-law family. I hope to have a peaceful, stress-free holiday, and that we can continue to invite guests into our home. If not, we will need to meet people who wear shoes in our home at Air BnBs and hotels, and not in our home.'

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They told my husband they feel unwelcome now. Husband and brother-in-law say I was abrasive and aggressive. I was genuinely trying to assert my house rules without being mean. I do struggle with expressing myself and I do want a respectful relationship with my MIL.. AITA?

Edit: It's not for a few hours or one day. They have to drive 2 days to visit us, so they stay with us over several days for Thanksgiving. She doesn't have a medical issue that prohibits her from taking off her shoes. I know about her medical issues. I have reminded her repeatedly over 13 years, but I can't watch her 24/7.

She enjoys sneaking ways to walk in the house with her sneakers on, or outside in her socks an dthen wear the socks inside ('What? I don't have my shoes on.').. Yes my husband should have brought this up. Why do I want a relationship with her? Because she's family? Some people even said they would divorce me over this. Wow..

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Second edit: UPDATE. After I got off work I called my in-laws. MIL picked up, and she wanted to talk with my kid and not address the issue, but she handed the phone to FIL and he and I talked about it. He said, 'She's just the kind of person who sometimes is going to do what you tell her, but sometimes she's going to ... forget.'

I said, 'I'm not hearing 'Sorry it won't happen again', so let's get a hotel or an AirBnB for Thanksgiving.' He was excited for the AirBnB--we got an affordable cabin in the woods. We're all going to meet there. It's definitely more expensive, but I will have a much better time because I don't care if she wears shoes in the AirBnB (unless that's the house rule there!).

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The woman’s insistence on her no-shoes rule was a justified defense of her home’s sanctity, especially after 13 years of her mother-in-law’s deliberate defiance, which seems more about asserting control than forgetfulness. Her message, though firm, aimed to set clear expectations for a multi-day visit, but its passive-aggressive tone and blanket address to all in-laws alienated her family, escalating tension. Opting for an AirBnB was a practical compromise, preserving her boundary without further conflict.

A 2023 study in Family Relations found that 55% of in-law conflicts stem from boundary violations, often tied to differing household norms (Wiley, 2023). Etiquette expert Myka Meier notes, “Clear, direct communication about house rules, delivered by the family member closest to the guest, fosters respect without resentment” (BeaumontEtiquette.com). The husband’s failure to address his mother’s behavior left the woman to play enforcer, straining relations.

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Reddit’s split verdict reflects the nuance: NTA for upholding her rule, but YTA/ESH for the message’s tone and broad targeting. Her mother-in-law’s “forgetting” excuse, as her father-in-law admitted, confirms intentionality, validating the woman’s frustration.

She should have her husband lead future discussions with his parents, reinforcing rules at arrival with a friendly reminder or sign (TheSpruce.com). A post-Thanksgiving talk could clarify intentions and rebuild ties. Offering indoor slippers for guests might ease compliance.

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Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit’s dishing out a mixed platter of takes on this no-shoes showdown, with cheers for the woman’s boundary-setting and jabs at her sharp delivery—step into these bold reactions!

l8ego − NTA - and your husband should be helping reinforce the rules. Your home, your rules. And no shoes is not a big ask.

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MelodyRaine − You clearly stated a long standing boundary that your MIL has chosen to ignore in the past on multiple occasions, then followed up by stating the consequence for not following it.. NTA Actually, I would follow up. 'Since our house rules are so problematic for family, I have decided not to host Thanksgiving in my home after all.

We will meet you at X restaurant at Y time and look forward to an enjoyable evening.' … however before you do that you need to get your husband on board with the fact that house rules must also apply to the people he shares DNA with in order for them to be welcome in your home. ETA 'Please don't wear outdoor shoes in the house' is a fairly common boundary where I am from.

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Some people do it for cultural reasons, others do it because they don't want outdoor dirt and germs tracked through their living space. It sounds like OP and her husband have had this boundary for years, and MIL is playing petty power games typical 'You aren't the boss of me.' behavior, and OP is fed up.

hibernativenaptosis − ESH. They should definitely follow your rules, but your message sounds needlessly aggressive to me, like you were more concerned about having another opportunity to reprimand them about the last incident than you were with preventing a future one.

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Do you really think dressing them down like that was the most effective way to ensure they follow the rules this time? I don't. EDIT: Also, this isn't an AH thing, but if there was going to be a message like this sent to them, it would have been better for it to come from your husband rather than you since it's his family.

Reddit_Gunboat − NTA. Your in-laws are TA for not respecting your request and are TA again for not being embarrassed when you ask again, and are again TA for giving you push back.. “Making them feel unwelcome?” What a bunch of entitled As for thinking everything revolves around their wants.

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drewmana − I see that there’s a lively debate in the comments already, so I’m just going to add my honest opinion on the situation, speaking as someone with very similar boundaries to you. I never wear shoes inside my home, and ask everyone who visits to do the same.

That said, YTA here. If I were a family member who recieved that email from you, I’d feel unwelcome too. One person not respecting your house rules does not warrant a family-wide scolding.

Tygers611 − YTA. This is a strange message. I think your rule is fine because it’s your own house, and it’s definitely frustrating to have to reiterate it to your in-laws, but the tone of your message creates a really hostile, uncomfortable vibe.

A less AH move would have been your husband following up (as it’s usually much less awkward to confront your own parent) to ask if there’s a reason she intentionally doesn’t take her shoes off. Then he could also be the one to remind his parents each time as soon as they enter the door (and then maybe hide their shoes in a closet until they leave).

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Lesley82 − YTA. A passive aggressive email sent to the entire family for a faux pas committed by a single member **two years ago** was completely inappropriate. You should have simply greeted the offending party at the door and not removed yourself from her path until she removed her shoes instead of offending everyone with your passive aggression.

YourMomThinksImFunny − I get it. We take shoes off at our house too, but you were very passive aggressive in the letter sent out to the whole family. Especially with the added 'meet at an airb&b'.. YTA

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[Reddit User] − NTA. Where I come from we also don’t wear shoes inside our homes unless of course they’re inside shoes. It can get extremely frustrating if you keep on telling someone not to do something and they keep doing it.

As you said she’s clearly not forgetful so she’s doing it on purpose because she doesn’t care about your house rule or who knows why but it’s really disrespectful. For people saying it’s been two years since she was last in your home it doesn’t matter if this is something she has been doing all the time every time she comes over.

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Maybe instead of generalising your message you could have spoken to her one on one and reiterated this house rule especially if all your in-laws respect this rule except your MIL or had your husband do it.

If they do come over as someone said stand there and make sure she takes her shoes off before you let her further in the house, this may seem extreme to some but maybe it will finally sink into her head that she has to remove her shoes to enter your home.

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Perhaps even put a sign up that says remove shoes here. From your comments it seems you’ve done everything to try to accommodate her in your own home and she still disrespects you by not following this one house rule. Don’t let her come over if it happens again this time.

ForwardPlenty − NTA. You communicated your boundaries and outlined consequences for breaking the rules. They don't like to be told what to do by someone that they think they outrank by virtue of them being the parents, older, wiser, or what ever reason they can come up with to disrespect your boundaries.. Husband and Brother in Law can co pound sand.

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These are Reddit’s sturdiest takes, but do they tread the full path of family friction and hosting woes?

This saga of a no-shoes rule and a family’s bruised feelings is a sharp reminder that guarding your home’s boundaries can spark unexpected battles. Reddit’s divided applause lauds the woman’s stand but questions her tone, while her AirBnB pivot offers a clever dodge. It’s a lesson in balancing firmness with finesse when family tests your rules. How would you handle a guest who stomps over your household norms? Drop your thoughts below—let’s pave a smoother path for this holiday clash!

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