AITA for refusing to take care of my elderly parents and insisting they pursue an assisted living?

Charlotte Morse Hours
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In a quiet single-story home, two 90-year-old parents face a new reality: one immobile from strokes, the other slipping into dementia. For 10 months, their sons juggled caregiving, but the younger, a 57-year-old full-time worker, hit a breaking point. Exhausted and fearing for his health, he demands assisted living, clashing with his retired brother and parents who cling to their home. It’s a heart-wrenching standoff of duty, burnout, and tough choices.

Readers feel the crushing weight of caregiving and the guilt of stepping back. This Reddit tale isn’t just about eldercare; it’s about limits, family dynamics, and prioritizing well-being. With Reddit debating the move, let’s dive into the strain of this filial crisis.

‘AITA for refusing to take care of my elderly parents and insisting they pursue an assisted living?’

My parents (both 90 years old) live by themselves in a single-story home that they own outright. Up until about a year ago, they were completely self sufficient. They were both still driving, and my father could mow his own grass, just to give you an idea of their physical capabilities.

A little over a year ago, my father had a series of strokes that left him almost completely immobile. Once discharged from the hospital, he spent a couple months in a rehab facility, and then was discharged to come home. At first, he could walk with a walker, but even with daily physical therapy, his mobility quickly deteriorated.

My brother (62M) and I (57M) decided that we would help take care of my father when he came home from rehab. My brother is retired and I still work full-time, so he stayed at my parents house from Monday morning through Friday morning, and I would stay from Friday night through Monday morning.

For 10 months we did this. Over the last 6 months or so, *both* of my parents have had major setbacks with their health. My father is now completely immobile and incontinent, and my mother is exhibiting signs of dementia, incontinence, falls, and major mood swings.

Note that all of these issues are being treated by medical professionals. I have been feeling extremely stressed out between working full-time and having to take care of my parents on the weekend. I have had no free time for the last 10 months,

and have expressed to my brother that I really think we should look into assisted living options for my parents, but he doesn't want to pursue it. Finally, I had to do something - I truly felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I told him that we can either find somewhere for our parents to go, or he can take care of them full-time,

but I am no longer going to be coming to take care of them on weekends. I have offered to help find facilities, but he and his wife are not open to that. My parents obviously want to remain in the house (as almost all elderly people do), so I do not have their support either.

AITA for telling my brother and parents that I cannot continue to provide care for them on the weekends and insisting that they pursue an assisted living or somewhere where they can get adequate care? I feel that I could be TA for forcing them to find alternative care.

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Note: This is not an issue of money. They have plenty of income and assets to provide them with a comfortable life in an assisted living.

EDIT: In addition to my brother disapproving of assisted living, it was made clear that he frowned upon hiring in-home care because he didn't trust that they would receive the same level of care that we provide for them.

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Caregiving can break even the strongest, and this man’s stand for assisted living reflects a desperate need for self-preservation. His 10-month commitment, alongside full-time work, shows devotion, but his parents’ escalating needs—immobility, incontinence, dementia—surpass what untrained family can safely provide. His brother’s resistance to assisted living or in-home care, citing distrust, ignores the reality that professional care often exceeds family capacity.

Over 50% of family caregivers report significant stress, with 30% facing health declines, per a 2024 AARP study. Assisted living can offer 24/7 medical support, reducing risks like bedsores or falls, which untrained caregivers may miss. The brother’s inheritance concerns, as some Redditors speculate, could also cloud his judgment.

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Dr. Barry Jacobs, a caregiving psychologist, notes, “Acknowledging caregiving limits isn’t abandonment; it’s ensuring loved ones get proper care”. Here, the man’s boundary protects his health and his parents’ safety. Dr. Jacobs’ insight supports his push for professional care. A compromise, like trialing in-home aides, could ease the transition. The brothers should tour facilities together to address concerns.

Heres what people had to say to OP:

Reddit’s serving up raw empathy and practical advice on this one, with a side of tough love. Here’s the unfiltered scoop from the community—compassionate and direct.

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Recklessreader - NTA but if they live in a single storey house and can afford it why don't they get in hired help instead to help them stay at home?

anonomustache - NTA - you won't be of any help if you have a heart attack or mental breakdown. Would bringing in someone be an option? Home care aids could take the pressure off you and your brother while also letting them stay in their home.

TragedyPornFamilyVid - NTA. Many seniors die earlier than they have to because family members lack the training to provide sufficient fulltime care. Bedsores can form quickly and infections can be horrific.

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[Reddit User] - Nta. You have your own life too. I know you said not issue with money from your parents but maybe it is from your brother? He thinking about how care costs will cut into his inheritance

theLPforearms - NTA. They need more care than you (or any family member, really) can provide. You shouldn't have to run yourself completely ragged trying.

[Reddit User] - NAH - you deserve to have your life, and your parents have a list of medical conditions well beyond what you and your brother are capable of giving. Assisted living is 100% the best thing for them now.

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IndividualDismal1722 - Nta. If you feel you cannot give adequate care then you need to find them a safe and comfortable place to stay where you know they will get the care they receive. This situation is difficult and a lot of people make the choice for assisted

care because it’s extremely difficult for one or two family members to take on the task of taking care of elderly and frail parents. You’re not throwing them away, you’re accepting you have limits to what you can do and it’s now past where you can help safely.

foodsforworms - NAH. what about a compromise option like hiring a home care aid? then they get to stay home and you get to relax a little knowing a professional is caring for them.

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iamyourfriend - NAH. Given your parents medical conditions it would probably be best if they were under Professional Care full-time.

me-and-a-1000-stars - NTA. It's not like you haven't tried to help out with their care. OP, if it's taking a toll on you, it's probably best to stop for your sake. There's only so much that you can physically (and mentally!) do and manage without training.

I think you're approaching that point. Especially as it's worsening, I think your parents are better in the hands of someone who is trained to deal with all these medical conditions. It's not fair on you to deal with this yourself.. Just my two cents :)

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These Reddit takes are heartfelt, but do they miss the nuance of family resistance to eldercare changes?

This Reddit saga asks: when does self-care outweigh family duty? The man’s refusal to continue caregiving, paired with his push for assisted living, prioritizes safety over sentiment, but leaves his family divided. Eldercare tests love and endurance. What would you do when caregiving threatens your health? Drop your stories below—have you faced a similar eldercare crossroads? Let’s keep the convo going.

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