AITA for refusing to stop looking ‘like a zombie’?

A simple park outing turns tense when a woman’s boyfriend calls her a “zombie” for her tattered shirt and bare face. Exhausted from extra shifts to keep them afloat during his unemployment, she snaps back, refusing to primp to meet his standards. His claim of “health concerns” feels hollow against his hours spent sculpting muscles while she burns out.

This Reddit AITA post dives into a raw clash of priorities in a pandemic-stressed relationship. Readers are hooked, debating if her defiance was warranted or if she misread his intentions.

‘AITA for refusing to stop looking ‘like a zombie’?’

In October 2020 my(30F) boyfriend (30M) lost his job in a gym (they let go some members of staff and they are now closed due to government restrictions until earliest mid May). He has been using government unemployment pay to contribute partially to our expenses. He kept thinking that gyms would be reopened so he didn't look for another job.

During his unemployment he has been getting even more in shape, and working out for several hours a day, while I have gone the opposite route. I do short workouts twice a week and go on walks, we also eat super healthy (lots of grilled vegetables and we have no junk food in the house) but I have picked up extra shifts and it's aging me (acne, age lines),

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I am not as in shape as I used to be and haven't been putting as much effort into looking good.. Overall he's much better looking than me but he's never brought it up. The other day we were going to a park to sit (distanced) with my bf's friends and have a coffee and I grabbed the first thing I found and put it on. I said I was ready and he got really upset.

He pointed out the shirt was old and tattered and that I had no makeup on and was looking like a zombie (his words). He then said how I had really let myself go and how he had 'stepped up his game' and how 'he might be shallow but it needed to be said'. I lost it and told him if I had nothing to do but workout I'd also be ripped and fit but that I had to work and looking hot was the last thing on my list.

I refused to change and didn't go. He has since said he meant that he's worried about my health and I overreacted by shaming him for not having a job but I am not really sure how my shirt impacts my health?.

Am I the a**hole for refusing to change and stop looking 'like a zombie'? I thought I was in the right but my friend said that she's seen me around and that I do look really tired and worn out and he was probably just worried and trying to motivate me.

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Relationships can buckle under unequal burdens, especially in tough times. The OP’s boyfriend’s “zombie” comment, framed as health concern, landed as a shallow jab at her appearance, exposing deeper issues in their dynamic.

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, notes in a Psychology Today article, “Criticism in relationships often masks unmet needs, like appreciation or shared responsibility” (source). The boyfriend’s focus on looks, while the OP shoulders financial stress, suggests a lack of empathy. His unemployment and inaction amplify her burnout.

This ties to a broader issue: pandemic-era relationship strain. A 2021 Journal of Social and Personal Relationships study found 62% of couples faced increased conflict due to unequal household contributions during lockdowns (source). The OP’s exhaustion reflects this imbalance.

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For solutions, experts urge open communication. The OP could initiate a candid talk about shared responsibilities, suggesting he seek work to ease her load. Self-care, like short breaks, could also help.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit brought the heat with sharp takes and empathy for the OP. Here’s the community’s unfiltered voice:

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Specific-Shock-7766 − NTA : if he is really worried, he should start working a real job so that you do not feel as if you have to do so much. Take some time for yourself, wear the clothes you feel comfy in, but most of all, get some rest whenever possible.

-I_am_Nobody- − NTA - urgh i hate it when women are expected to put on make up, put on a bra and dress up or we look “sick”. You reacted in the heat of the moment which isn’t always great but were stating facts.

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It sounds like you and your bf have some issues that you’ve both been sitting on rather than communicating with each other. You need to have a sit down and chat about how you are both feeling and listen to each rather than taking aim. It’s so easy to get in to a rut in lockdown - usual routines change.

TA90192837465 − NTA. Let me get this straight...boyfriend isn’t working and not looking for a job, so he’s spending all day doing whatever he wants (working out). You, presumably because your partner doesn’t have a job, are working extra now. During a pandemic. Did he take on all the cooking, cleaning, and other housework?

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It not, you’re basically carrying him in this relationship currently and he’s trying to shame you for not living up to his beauty standards. Honestly boyfriend sounds narcissistic, selfish, and lazy. Boyfriend needs “to step up his game” as a contributing member of the household and take some of the stress off of you. Maybe then you’ll have more time and energy to take care of your health.

ughneedausername − NTA. How does “you look like a zombie, put makeup on” equal “I’m worried about your health”?. He’s got nothing to do but work out while you pick up extra shifts to pay for you both.

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Illuminator007 − NTA So there's obviously a lot to unpack here in terms of differing responsibilities in time of unemployment, etc... I'm sure other will dive deep into that. My take is that **even if** he were genuinely concerned about your health, there's way more productive and reasonable ways he could have brought it up. That was really not cool on his part.

runedued − NTA for being upset. That being said, lack of personal hygiene and not caring about appearance *can* be a sign of depression. I hope you’re doing okay OP, best of luck!

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AlphaPenguins666 − Nta. IMO he could of worded it different if he was so concerned about your health. Your shirt AND makeup have nothing to do with health. He even said “he might be shallow but it needed to be said”. Also said you let yourself go and look like a zombie, tattered shirt, no make-up.

Sounds like he’s being SHALLOW about appearances and not your health. Has he ever sat down with you before and expressed any concern about your health before. Like if you’re getting enough sleep, mental health, or just about any problems you might have? Him admitting he’s shallow just doesn’t sit right with me. 🚩🚩🚩🚩

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al_fink − NTA. You’re picking up extra shifts and working in a pandemic. Sounds like you could use some mental health days where you chill and have a relaxing day instead of continuously working. He was rude by saying your a zombie, if my partner told me I looked like a zombie I’d be angry.

MamaofTwinDragons − NTA. You’re looking “tired and worn out” because you’re picking up extra shifts to help cover for the income he lost and hasn’t attempted to find another way to regain. It’s great that he’s just worried about your health, but apparently the concern stops at finding even a temporary job to help with the stress.

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This year has been really tough on all of us. I personally have all of two outfits (2 tops that share 1 pair of pants) that fit, are not stained with bleach or with something toddler-related. We look the way we feel: worn out and wary. That being said, try to take a moment for yourself. Draw a nice bath with candles, turn on some relaxing music and just chill.

Then, give yourself some home spa treatments - simple stuff, like various masks, exfoliant, etc. When/if you decide to put on make up, do it for yourself and see how you feel. Sometimes polishing ourselves up can work wonders on the spirit. As for your BF.... he’s lucky to have you and should be counting his lucky stars every night no matter what you’re wearing. ❤️

no_rxn − He has been using government unemployment pay to contribute partially to our expenses. He kept thinking that gyms would be reopened so he didn't look for another job.. I have picked up extra shifts and it's aging me (acne, age lines), He has since said he meant that he's worried about my health and I overreacted by shaming him for not having a job but I am not really sure how my shirt impacts my health?

I thought I was in the right but my friend said that she's seen me around and that I do look really tired and worn out and he was probably just worried and trying to motivate me. My problem here is that he didn't even try to get another job. He's been chilling at home working out, doing whatever he wants to do, all while seeing you bust your ass.

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And he waits months before addressing this. And the way he addressed it is to criticize your appearance? Instead of going out and finding a job so you don't have to work so many extra shifts? No, you're right to be upset. It sounds like you're exhausted and the way he tries to 'help' you is to tell you you're not pretty anymore.

You've been really patience, letting him just live off of his unemployment instead of pushing for him to find a higher source of income. Honestly, I'm not blaming him for not having another job, but his lack of even trying when he sees that you're burning yourself out.. NTA

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These spicy opinions rally behind the OP, but do they miss any nuances?

This story of a woman’s stand against her boyfriend’s shallow critique sparks questions about fairness and empathy in relationships. The OP’s refusal to “fix” her look feels like a cry for respect amid exhaustion. Have you faced a partner’s criticism that hit the wrong nerve? What would you do in her shoes? Drop your thoughts below and keep the convo rolling!

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