AITA For Refusing To Step Down From My Position As Best Man?

Picture a lifelong friendship, forged in Russia and carried to America, where a woman stands as her best friend Jay’s best (wo)man. But his fiancée, El, blindsides her, demanding she step down, accusing her of secretly loving Jay despite her being openly lesbian. A fight erupts, El flees to her mom’s, and texts blame the woman for ruining the wedding. An update reveals a twist: Jay’s sister fed El lies, sparking the drama. El apologizes, and peace is restored—mostly.

This Reddit saga is a wild dance of loyalty, jealousy, and betrayal. Was refusing to step down a stand for friendship, or a spark for chaos? It’s a story that glitters with love, misunderstanding, and the sting of family meddling.

‘AITA For Refusing To Step Down From My Position As Best Man?’

This Reddit post unveils a woman’s fight to keep her place at her friend’s side. Here’s her story, raw and unfiltered:

My (26F) best friend Jay (27M) is getting married in February- if conditions allow- to this girl El (27F). For background me and Jay have known each other our entire lives because our parents are good friends. We're both from Russia and moved to America together several years ago and used to live together before he got with El.

I see him as my brother now but we did briefly date when I was 18 (realized I'm a lesbian) but otherwise there has never been anything romantic between us. Back to the wedding, after announcing his engagement Jay asked me to be his best (wo)man for the wedding. I of course agreed, he's the most important person in my life I'm honoured to be his best man.

This was about eight or nine months ago and at the time El seemed to have no issue with me taking on this role. However a few days ago El told me she needed to talk to me about the wedding. She told me that she was not okay with Jay having a woman as his best man and that I needed to step down.

I tried to rationalize with her and she went on this rant to me about how she knew I was secretly in love with him, how I was trying to break them up, that I was a bad person, etc. She tried to say that now she didn't want me at the wedding at all. I thought this was absolutely ridiculous Like I said Jay is like a brother to me, we only dated for maybe five months, and she knows I like girls.

I told Jay about what happened and asked if I should just step down and he insisted I shouldn't and said he'd talk to El. Well apparently that caused them to have a huge fight and El is staying with her mom right now.

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She's been spamming my phone telling me it's all my fault and that I'm destroying her relationship but it's really not my intention. But after all this fighting I wonder if I should've just agreed to step down. Am I the a**hole?. Note: Sorry if some things don't make sense, english isn't my first language.

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

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This wedding drama is a masterclass in insecurity and interference. El’s initial acceptance of the woman’s role as best (wo)man crumbled under the sister’s malicious lies, exposing her vulnerability to distrust. Her accusations—ignoring the woman’s lesbian identity and their platonic bond—were irrational, but her apology shows growth. The sister’s sabotage, rooted in personal grudges, turned a wedding into a battlefield.

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman notes, “Trust in relationships hinges on open communication; external manipulation exploits cracks” (Source). A 2023 study in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that 59% of wedding conflicts stem from family interference (Source). El’s error was confronting the woman, not Jay, while the sister’s texts were a deliberate wedge.

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The woman’s refusal to step down was justified, backed by Jay’s support. “Honor commitments unless harm is clear,” Gottman advises. She and El should rebuild trust through honest talks, while Jay must address his sister’s toxicity. The sister owes amends, if salvageable.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit chimed in with takes as bold as a wedding vow. Here’s what the crowd had to say:

Stag_Almighty − NTA, she's insecure and it's not your fault this is happening to her. It's hers. If she didn't want this to happen then she should have talked about it with your friend that she is marrying like an adult.

ET318 − NTA. The best man is up to Jay and Jay only. If he had asked you to step down you should, but he wanted you to stay. If his fiancé is gonna act like this now, that could be trouble for Jay down the line.

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ejmears − NTA. Sounds like you have just helped Jay avoid a possible train wreck. If I were him I would see this as a huge red flag, she just went behind his back, doesn't trust him/you and also invalidated your identity as a queer person. These are all major issues in a relationship and if I were him I'd be reconsidering that marriage.

OnceandFuture − NTA: She's delusion-El.

klc123 − NTA. You asked Jay if he wanted you to step down and he didn’t want that. His fiancée shouldn’t have tried to kick out his choice for a best man without even talking to him first. The fiancée has real issues, hopefully this incident is helping him see her clearly.

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Heatherbanana1984 − Definitely NTA, but El is. I would also talk to my friend and let him know how El is treating you. This woman is harassing you and it needs to be put to a stop. If this is how she's going to treat her husband's friends, maybe she doesn't need to be his wife.

PurpleDot0 − Personally I can see why having an ex be in a wedding party would be uncomfortable for a person, regardless of surrounding circumstances I really can. But that should be a conversation she has with her future husband not you.. NTA.

notdeadpool − NTA. Show your friend the messages, he should know what he is marrying into here. Try not to insert yourself in the argument, just show him what she is sending you. She sounds very insecure.

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BaconFaceHappyPants − NTA. You are not destroying her relationship. She doesn't value her fiances decisions, or his other relationships, and it doesn't seem like she trusts him. None of these things are the basis of a solid relationship, she needs to get her priorities straight ASAP.

You absolutely should have told Jay about what she said, he needs to know what he's getting into here. Jay wants you as his best wo(man). He stood up for you and your friendship. Hell no you shouldn't step down!

dane_crane − Can't help but think what the response would have been if the post had said 'AITA for not wanting my fiancee's best man to be his ex-girlfriend'.. I get it, you're gay and all that, but when she sees you up there, she's just reminded that you're someone, her fiancee used to be intimate with, someone he had romantic feelings for, someone he moved across the world with and now you're standing up there, at the alter even, sharing this moment of a life time with them?

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I kinda get why she isn't looking forward to that, I wouldn't be either. I wouldn't want to be making my vows and while speaking them, having to look at his ex-girlfriend standing right behind him. That does not, however, mean that she should have asked you to step down. Jay should have never asked you, his ex-girlfriend, to be his best-man. That is inappropriate and just asking for trouble. He has put you both in a horrible position, where neither can win. NTA, but Jay sure is.

These Reddit opinions are as fiery as a reception toast, but do they miss El’s redemption arc?

This story is a vibrant mix of loyalty, lies, and love. The woman’s stand as best (wo)man held firm, but a sister’s venom nearly stole the day. Could earlier talks have stopped the drama, or was the sister’s plot inevitable? What would you do if a bride tried to oust you from a wedding role? Share your thoughts—have you ever faced a family scheme that rocked a bond?

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This is an update from the author:

UPDATE: First off I want to thank everyone for your feedback I appreciate it very much, and another thank you to the people who left some awards that was very kind. But back to the issue. The news is honestly kind of crazy, just a bit ago El texted me but instead of the rude things she'd been saying she apologized and asked if she could call me.

I said yes and El apologized profusely for what she's said and assured me she didn't mean it. Unfortunately the reason why she acted this way has caused big drama. El admitted to me that she'd been talking to Jays sister (her and Jay are on very bad terms but she was still invited to the wedding) and that his sister told El these horrible things.

The texts were along the lines of 'Jay will always love *my name* more then you', ' He doesn't really love you', '*my name* is secretly in love with Jay', and more awful things. Jays sister has always seemed to hate me I know this but the fact that she did all this astounds me. El kept apologizing for believing Jays sister and not coming to me or Jay first.

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I forgive her and I understand why she acted the way she did. We told Jay about this and he's very angry about it. His relationship with his sister is completely done with unfortunately and she will not be at the wedding but on the bright side everything has worked out between me and El and there are no hard feelings. So that's about it, once again thank you to everyone who's gived feedback I appreciated it.

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