AITA for refusing to stay at home with my new baby, even though my husband is working 80 hour weeks so he can support us?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The nursery glows with soft pastel hues, a mobile spinning lazily above the crib, but the air is thick with tension. A new mom, juggling her newborn and a career she loves, faces a curveball from her husband, Jeff, who’s swapped his reasonable job for a soul-crushing 80-hour grind, expecting her to stay home. Her heart sinks as family and friends chime in, urging her to trade her ambitions for a rocking chair. Can she hold her ground without fracturing her marriage, or is she the selfish one here?

This story unfolds a classic clash of expectations, where love, duty, and personal dreams collide. Readers are left wondering: who’s really in the wrong? The Reddit community has plenty to say, and their fiery takes light up the debate. Let’s dive into her story, unpack the drama, and see what experts and Redditors think about this modern-day tug-of-war.

 

‘AITA for refusing to stay at home with my new baby, even though my husband is working 80 hour weeks so he can support us?’

I was always clear with my husband Jeff that I love my job and have no desire to leave it for fulltime parenthood. He was always nothing but supportive, so that’s how we built our life plans. But once our daughter was born, Jeff did an immediate 180 and started asking when I was telling my boss I wasn’t coming back from maternity leave.

I was dumbfounded by this, especially since Jeff didn’t make enough to support the family alone, which I was frank with him about. He kept saying he would figure it out and I needed to trust him and quit. The week before I was set to go back to work, Jeff told me that he’d gotten a new job that paid enough to make up the difference from my salary, so I could finally quit my job without worrying about money.

This was confusing for me because Jeff and I were making around the same amount of money, and I couldn’t imagine where he’d find a job that suddenly doubled his income. Turns out he's taken on an incredibly high stress position that requires about eighty hours a week.

He basically sleeps and works, that’s it. There are lots of days when the only time I see him to bring him his meals, and he hasn’t spent more than ten minutes at a time with our daughter since taking the new job. Jeff is adamant that since he’s sacrificing so much to support us, I need to step up and quit my job so his crazy workload isn't for nothing.

His industry is NOT supportive of job hopping, so he either has to stick with it for at least 18 months or leave his field entirely. He's livid with me and keeps saying that everyone in his life told him to prepare for me to refuse to go back to work, so he was just doing what he thought was right.

So far I’ve been standing firm. I planned out my adult life to be able to do this—work a flexible job from home while my mom helps with the baby during the day. I’m afraid to let Jeff force my hand into making a huge life decision just because he wants the huge life decision HE made without consulting me to be “worth it'.

Our relationship so far has been nothing but loving and wonderful, and I'm completely shocked by how he's acting now. My issue is that Jeff’s parents, brother, and best friend have all approached me about how miserable Jeff is and how if I don’t stay home with the baby, he's going to spiral into serious depression.

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Apparently all four of them had been whispering in Jeff’s ear during the pregnancy that I’d cave on wanting to work the moment I held our daughter, and they, too, think I’m selfish for not doing so. I have nothing but sympathy for Jeff and have supported him as much as I can—taking over all of his household responsibilities and doing my darndest to bring him some cheer while he’s working.

But I fear the kind of precedent it will create in our marriage if I allow him to control me like this. My mom and best friend support me, but my sister and dad say that since the 'statistics' are on Jeff’s side, I should do what’s best for him and the baby and leave my job. AITA for refusing?

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Jeff’s unilateral decision to take a grueling job and expect his wife to quit hers is a recipe for resentment. Relationships thrive on communication, not assumptions. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Successful couples make decisions together, ensuring both partners feel heard and valued” . Jeff’s choice, influenced by his family’s outdated expectations, ignored his wife’s clear stance on her career, creating a power imbalance.

This situation highlights a broader issue: societal pressure on women to prioritize motherhood over careers. A 2023 Pew Research study found 60% of mothers who work part-time or not at all cite lack of viable options, not always choice . The OP’s refusal to quit reflects her fight for autonomy, but Jeff’s misery stems from his own unconsulted gamble. His family’s push for traditional roles only fuels the fire, ignoring modern realities of dual-income households.

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Gottman’s advice emphasizes mutual respect. The OP’s stance isn’t selfish—it’s a boundary against being cornered. Jeff’s distress, while real, can’t override her agency. Couples counseling could help them realign their goals, as suggested by Redditors. The OP should continue supporting Jeff emotionally but hold firm on her career, proposing a joint plan to reduce his workload without sacrificing her identity.

For solutions, they could explore Jeff transitioning to a less demanding role, even if it means a career pivot. Financial planning tools, like those on NerdWallet, can help them map a sustainable budget. Open dialogue, possibly with a neutral therapist, is key to dismantling assumptions and rebuilding trust.

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Here’s how people reacted to the post:

The Reddit hive mind didn’t hold back—here’s a peek at their spicy takes, served with a side of humor:

90DayF − NTA. He’s the AH for switching the job and taking the high stress one and then guilting you into being a SAHM. This will definitely set a precedent if you let him get his way.

wmreeves613 − NTA I am finding serious red flags.. Hes trying to get you to quit so you have no way to support yourself if s**t hits the fan

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alongstrangesomethin − NTA You told him before the baby cake that you weren’t quitting your job. He went ahead and did something crazy. That’s on him. Make it clear: you understand he’s exhausted but you aren’t quitting. Tell him that he should quit that job because his health will take a down turn soon. Tell him to get a regular job. And tell him to never again try to force your hand when you don’t want to do something.

[Reddit User] − NTA Jeff has made so many assumptions based on opinions NOT of his wife. He jumped in the deep end without a life preserver thinking he was saving you while you were sunbathing on the deck. It's his fault for not communicating and his bed to sleep in. If you decide to work together to solve this conundrum it will be from the generosity in your heart not from obligation to save the real a**hole from his own dug grave.

Ezada − NTA, you made it clear in the beginning you didn't want to be a stay at home mother. He completely disregarded your wishes, took a high stress job without consulting you, and is now trying to use said job into guilt tripping you. He is miserable because of his own choices, not yours.

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What he did was not fair and quite frankly manipulative, especially on a postpartum mother. You both likely need to go to counseling, so that you can discuss this with someone who has no emotional attachment to either of you. His family will always back him, same with your family.. I wish you both the best. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Viperbunny − NTA. So let me get this straight, he wants you to quit working, do everything with the baby and house, and have no say. Or, you could leave his selfish ass, still have your job and your mom's help, and have complete say in your life.

I would tell your husband point blank you will not be quitting and that his irresponsible decision that he made without you isn't working. He needs to figure out a new arrangement. If he won't I would consider what you are staying. If you have no job and no money you are trapped and he has already shown you can't trust him.

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Tanooki07 − NTA - honestly, I would be furious.. 1. He ignored what you explicitly said. 2. He made an important life decision without consulting you. Especially, since him working this much also means he can help less with his child (so it directly impacts you)..

3. He wants you to give up your job. Is this the middle ages or something? What about your happiness? You didn't force him to take this job, it was his choice. How does both of you being unhappy help anything?

murderousbudgie − NTA. You're being way too easy on your husband. Without consulting you, he has forced you to take on responsibilities you only agreed to because you thought they would be shared. You didn't want to be an SAHM.

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You didn't ask him work 80 hours a week, but he's doing it anyway in an attempt to force you to do something you were clear that you did not want. This is manipulative and horrible and it's not good for your child.

revanchisto − NTA. LOL, I fail to see how you staying at home improves a single damn thing? From what you described your mom helps take care of the baby during the day, so it's not like you are both stressing about needing daycare.

So, how exactly does you staying home make his job and 'sacrifices' less stressful? If anything it'd be worse with the decrease in income.. Buddy needs to check himself, nothing is prevented him from quitting his job and being a stay-at-home dad.

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IChooseYouSnorlax − NTA. He listened to everyone *but you.*. You are not responsible for his ignoring your clearly stated plan to return to work. His family also ignored you, and it was Jeff's decision to give *what everyone else said* more weight than you.

They've got some nerve, ignoring your stance on working AND THEN BLAMING YOU FOR THEIR OWN ACTIONS. Ridiculous. You should go back to work. It's what will make you happy. It's not your fault that he made a decision based on other people's wrong assumptions.

He will either admit his mistakes (not listening to you, taking a job that makes him miserable) and make changes, or he won't. You aren't responsible for his actions. He is. He made the choices he did without your input, so he can live with those choices.

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These Redditors are all-in on team OP, but do their fiery opinions hold up in the real world? It’s a mixed bag of tough love and reality checks, but they’re not wrong about one thing: communication is the glue that’s missing here.

This tale of clashing dreams and unspoken plans leaves us with a knotty question: can love survive when one partner rewrites the script? The OP’s standing her ground, but Jeff’s spiraling in a job he chose without her input. It’s a messy dance of love, sacrifice, and stubbornness. What would you do if your partner flipped your life plan upside down? Share your thoughts—have you faced a similar tug-of-war between career and family?

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