AITA for refusing to show up to my(22M) dads gay wedding?

What do you owe a parent who built your entire childhood on a lie — even if that lie came from their own pain and fear? For many adult children, discovering a parent’s hidden truth can shatter trust, no matter the reasons behind it.

One 22-year-old man has struggled to forgive his father after learning he cheated on his mother for years with men, revealing he was gay all along. Now, with his father planning to marry the man he cheated with, the son refuses to attend or stand as best man — and wonders if that makes him heartless.

‘AITA for refusing to show up to my(22M) dads gay wedding?’

The marriage lasted 27 years before the truth came out.

The father shared his painful past in an emotional plea.

The conversation ended with a firm refusal and backlash.

This situation involves deep betrayal layered with the complexities of hidden sexuality and trauma. The father’s infidelity and deception during a 27-year marriage understandably shattered trust — not just for the mother, but for the children who grew up in what felt like a lie. His story of rejection and forced heteronormativity evokes sympathy, yet it does not erase the harm caused by choosing to build a family on deception rather than honesty or separation.

The son’s refusal to participate in the wedding (especially as best man) is a boundary rooted in unresolved pain, not homophobia. He has reconnected and expressed love, but endorsing this marriage — to the man his father cheated with — feels like a betrayal of his mother and the family unit. The boyfriend’s angry call further escalates the pressure, shifting blame onto the son.

Family therapist Dr. John Gottman notes that “betrayal trauma requires acknowledgment, remorse, and consistent repair from the betrayer — without these, forgiveness is nearly impossible” (The Science of Trust, 2011). Here, the father apologizes but pushes for participation without fully owning the depth of the wound.

Practical advice: The son should communicate clearly that his decision is about the infidelity, not sexuality, and that he needs more time. Therapy (individual or family) could help process the grief and anger. He is not obligated to attend or participate — boundaries protect emotional health. The father’s pain from his past is real, but so is the son’s right to heal on his own timeline.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Social media users weighed in heavily on this family drama, with opinions splitting clearly along lines of empathy, boundaries, and accountability. The thread sparked passionate responses as people connected the story to broader themes of infidelity and forgiveness.

Most commenters stood firmly behind the son, emphasizing that the issue stems from cheating rather than sexuality.

Another group offered balanced sympathy for the father’s past while still validating the son’s stance and suggesting ways forward.

A few voices added sharper observations or personal parallels, highlighting age differences and moral choices.

This situation highlights how past trauma can lead to damaging choices that ripple through generations. While understanding a parent’s struggles matters, it never obligates anyone to overlook betrayal or rush forgiveness. Setting boundaries protects emotional well-being and allows genuine healing when both sides respect the process.

Ultimately, relationships rebuild on actions matching words over time, not demands for immediate celebration. Would you attend the wedding as a guest if asked, or draw the same hard line? When a parent’s hidden pain causes family harm, how long should forgiveness take?