AITA for refusing to pay for birthday presents for my son that he can only use at my ex-wife’s place?

Jonathan Hours
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The hum of a lawnmower faded as he stepped into his garage, eyeing the basketball hoop his son helped paint years ago. At 52, he’s navigating the choppy waters of co-parenting after an amicable split, balancing mortgage payments and child support with his ex-wife’s new life by the beach. But when she proposed splitting $1,000 for their son’s birthday gifts—a basketball hoop and gaming chair for her place only—his gut said no. Why fund comforts he won’t share?

This isn’t just about a birthday—it’s about fairness in a fractured family. His stance sparked accusations of pettiness, leaving him wondering if he’s the jerk or just holding a line. Readers might feel his tug-of-war: love for his son clashes with the math of who pays for what. As the big day looms, the question lingers: where’s the balance in giving when homes are divided?

‘AITA for refusing to pay for birthday presents for my son that he can only use at my ex-wife’s place?’

I am a 52m recently separated from my ex (49f) of 18 yrs. We share custody (week on, week off) with our 2 children, a 13 yr old daughter and soon-to-be 15 yr old son. The relationship ended mostly amicably, noone cheated on each other, as far as I know. Just drifted apart, 'friend-zoned'. 

When we split we agreed that I would stay in our old 4-bdrm family home for a few more years, while our kids were still at high school (we lived right next door to my son’s high school).  I would continue to pay down our mortgage (on my own) and also pay for any additional renovations (on my own) that we still have left to complete, since buying the place 4 yrs ago.

When the time comes to sell she will get her 50%. She agreed to move out into her own 3-bdrm rental out by the beach. I am paying her child support, as she only earns about 1/3 of what I do in her part time (30hrs/wk) job. The rest of her income comes from Govt social support.

We have a joint bank account where we both put money into to cover the kids general needs. This week is my son's 15th birthday, he's big into gaming, basketball and fishing. When he moves between our two places he's brings his Xbox with him.

I have paid for two computer monitors, one at each property, just so he can do this easily and be happy.  He has a home-made basketball hoop (that he helped me build & paint for him when he was a young 10 year old lad) mounted on the outside of my house for him to practice, whenever he stays with me.

My ex emailed me to ask me what I think 'we' should get him for his birthday, i.e. share costs for.  She listed two things, firstly a free-standing basketball hoop, and a gaming chair (all up around $1000 total), both to be used only at her place, for his enjoyment there. I've refused to help her buy these particular options,

I'd prefer it if we spent our money on something that he'll enjoy getting the benefits from wherever he may be. Like new clothes, a new device, a new bike, fishing gear etc, or a shared family experience with both of us present. I thought that was reasonable.

My ex-wife thinks I'm being a jerk with this stance, for not agreeing to pay anything for these particular presents, to help furnish her house or his bedroom there. She's suggesting that it's not fair that he can play basketball at my place and not hers, or that he feels more comfortable playing video games at my place, and not hers.

She’s now accusing me of starting to play some kind petty 'tit-for-tat' game with her, by ‘not fairly contributing enough towards my son's happiness on his birthday’. My fear is that I am indeed being unnecessarily picky with this battle, being too selfish, and denying her the right to be able to make her home as happy or as comfortable as mine, for my son to live in.. AITA?

Divorce doesn’t end parenting, but it sure complicates gift-giving. The dad’s refusal to fund a basketball hoop and gaming chair for his ex’s home isn’t about denying his son—it’s about practicality. He’s already footing hefty bills, from the family home’s mortgage to dual monitors for his son’s Xbox. His ex’s push for pricy gifts feels less about the teen’s joy and more about equipping her space, especially when she earns less and relies on support.

This taps a broader issue: equity in co-parenting. A 2023 study by the American Psychological Association notes 60% of divorced parents clash over financial contributions, often tied to differing lifestyles (apa.org). The dad’s offer—gifts usable anywhere or shared experiences—aligns with fostering connection over competition.

Family therapist Susan Stiffelman says, “Gifts should prioritize the child’s happiness, not parental agendas” (susanstiffelman.com). Here, the ex’s focus on her home’s setup might overshadow what the son truly wants. Stiffelman’s lens suggests asking the teen directly—maybe he’d pick fishing gear over a chair.

For solutions, communication is king. The parents could list options and let their son choose, ensuring gifts reflect his passions. If budgets differ, Stiffelman advises transparency—each parent gives within their means. Readers, how do you split costs post-split? Share your thoughts below.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit’s never shy, and this thread’s a popcorn-worthy mix of cheers and jeers. Here’s the crowd’s take:  These spicy nuggets are Reddit gold—half wisdom, half roast. But do they cut to the core, or just fan the flames?

Kami_Sang − NTA - first up he's 15 - you don't need

Don't invest in your ex's space (unless younthink it really serves your son over something you can do with him or he can have at your home). As long as you are fairly paying child support it's on her to provide as well. You have no duty to make anything equal. That being said buy your son something you think he will truly enjoy.

amish__ − Nta. Just shut down this group present thing as it's clear it won't be anywhere near evenly split. Buy your own gifts.

lmmontes − NTA and like that you have practical things in mind, and even better, family experience ideas. I can see the basketball hoop just to keep kids physically active but the gaming chair?

teresajs − NTA  I'm really hoping this is fiction.  Someone who gets government assistance shouldn't be living

And don't keep home ownership with an Ex.  Divorce Court is your opportunity to sever your legal financial relationship with each other.  It's easier and cleaner if you use that opportunity and take care of things now. Hire a good Divorce Attorney and follow their advice.  Because you're setting yourself up to possibly lose tens or maybe even hundreds of thousands of dollars with your plan.

Unfair_Finger5531 − I just think the first priority should be “what would our son love most”? This is the only question that matters. If you believe he would love a gaming chair, get him one, even if it can only be used at her home. It is not his fault that you two have decided to live in separate homes. His gifts shouldn’t be items that can only be used in both homes—that is something that serves your needs and desires, not his.

If you end up, in the process, furnishing her home by giving him a gaming chair, so what? He lives there part of the time, and it is his home too. I think you are being petty. I understand why you feel this way, but I think you need to shove that feeling down and think first about the boy. The fact is anything you do to add comfort to her home benefits him.

So, trying to walk this fine line between giving him gifts but not giving him gifts he uses in her home is silly and self-serving. As a child of divorced parents, I found this kind of dumb s**t wore me down. It made me resent my parents. Do everything you can to make their lives run smoothly. And this includes not being petty about giving gifts that can only be used in your ex’s home.. One question matters: “what does the boy want”?. ESH.

gfdoctor − NTA. But I will second the commenter who says you need to separate finances and banking. Your ex wife is likely committing fraud if she has an asset of 1/2 the value of a home and still getting government social support. When it is discovered, they will take the asset to be reimbursed for the fraud.. You are putting yourself in a precarious place

shikakaaaaaaa − The focus should be on improving your son’s quality of life or your son’s enjoyment. . Would the hoop and/or chair do that? Would your son prefer those two items over clothes/device/bike/experience/fishing gear? Whatever it is, the main focus should be on what your son would prefer. He’s 15 now.

Why not make a presentation offering all of those things and letting him pick? He’ll be sixteen soon. Maybe add a 1k voucher to put in his savings for use toward purchase/maintenence/fuel/rpairs when he gets a car.  You two are in a great place to keep it amicable by working together again here. Happy birthday to the kiddo!

Dry-Reception-2388 − **INFO**. What does your son want? Does he want the basketball hoop? Does he want the gaming chair there? N T A IF it’s not what he’s asking for. This should have nothing to do with what’s fair and what she wants. What does your son want as it’s HIS birthday?

Used_Mark_7911 − NTA It not necessary for divorced couples to buy their kids joint gift all the time . She can get him something and you can get him something. If she can’t afford a $1000 gaming chair, then she shouldn’t get him one. (FWIW - I don’t spend anything like that amount of money on my kids birthdays)

ConfusedAt63 − NTA, If she needs more money to purchase things to make her place as fun as yours, she should start working more. It is not your responsibility to provide for her place to be modified to her liking even if it is for the kids. She is being entitled, wanting you to do husbandly things for her when she isn’t doing wifey things for you.

This birthday saga spins a tale of love, budgets, and blurred lines. Was the dad wrong to nix his ex’s gift plan, or is he just guarding his wallet and heart? His push for shared joy over one-sided splurges hints at a deeper truth: kids crave connection, not competition. As he preps for his son’s big day, he’s learning fairness isn’t about matching dollar for dollar—it’s about showing up. What would you do in this post-divorce gift pickle? Drop your take below and let’s unpack it.

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