AITA for refusing to miss some of my kids events when my ex-wife’s husband asked?

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Picture a vibrant school auditorium buzzing with proud parents, the air thick with anticipation as kids take the stage. For one devoted dad, these moments with his children, Indie and Colbie, are non-negotiable, shared joyfully with his ex-wife, Thora, in a tight-knit co-parenting setup. But when Thora’s new husband, Michael, steps in with a bold request—that the dad skip some events to let him shine as a parental figure—the harmony cracks.

Michael’s plea, laced with a lie about Thora’s wishes, stirs tension and leaves the dad questioning his stance. This Reddit user’s story pulls readers into a tug-of-war between a father’s love and a stepfather’s insecurities, sparking debate: should a parent step back to make room for a stepparent’s role?

‘AITA for refusing to miss some of my kids events when my ex-wife’s husband asked?’

I share two kids Indie (10m) and Colbie (8f) with my ex-wife Thora. We have remained very close and she and I don't follow a strict parenting plan. We do our best to have the kids see us both as much as possible. We celebrate every birthday, every Christmas together, and we show up to support our kids together as much as we can make work with our jobs.

Our families are also still very tight. The kids love it. Sometimes it will be my parenting time but they want Thora and so they spend that day with her, or vice versa. Works so well for the kids. Thora married Michael in November 2021. He and I got along in the beginning.

He clearly loved Thora and was great with the kids, which is what Thora and I cared most about. But then this past summer some things changed with Michael. An example is Indie was singing and playing an instrument at this little talent show his summer camp set up.

Thora and I both went, so did Michael, who took the day off work. Michael did not look happy to see me and once Thora was not within earshot or sightline, he was visibly tense and I swear he groaned at some point near me. Then Thora had to go out of state to see a friend of hers who was very sick.

The kids chose to stay with me and I don't believe Michael was happy about that. I tried to ask him about it but he swore things were fine. In November Indie and Colbie had a busy month with different stand out things within extra curricular's and school. I was lucky enough to attend 9/10 of them with Thora attending 8/10.

Michael got to attend 3/10. All three were ones I could attend and it felt very much like he didn't want me there. Late last month when Michael and I were the ones attending a school function for the kids that he asked me to show up to less of the kids events and let him and Thora do some of that stuff with the kids as a family.

I told him they already do. He said not when I'm around. That I am getting in the way of him being a parental figure for the kids. I told him he was a parental figure and the kids love him. He said they will never consider us equal until they see him instead of me at some of these events. He said it's important for the more 'stable family unit of four'.

I told him I was not willing to miss the kids events. He did not take it well and accused me of interfering and alienating their chances of a family unit. He texted me after the event with things he wanted me to miss (including Indie's Elementary school graduation in May). I told him it was not happening. He told me Thora wanted this too.

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Thora knew nothing of this and told me the kids would be so upset if we did what Michael wanted, which I knew also. She was angry at Michael. Michael is angry at me still. He called me an a**hole. I don't want to believe I'm an a**hole but I know this is not the norm for every divorced parents situation and it makes me ask if I am TA for not letting them have some of those events just them.. AITA?

Navigating a blended family can feel like walking a tightrope, and this Reddit user’s clash with Michael highlights the strain. The dad prioritizes being present for Indie and Colbie, while Michael seeks a bigger role, even resorting to deception. This tension underscores competing visions of family—one rooted in biological ties, the other in stepfamily integration.

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Dr. Patricia Papernow, a stepfamily expert, notes, “Stepparents often feel like outsiders, but pushing a biological parent out risks alienating the children”. Michael’s request ignores the kids’ need for their dad’s presence, especially since 70% of children in blended families thrive with involved biological parents. His lie about Thora’s wishes further erodes trust.

This reflects broader challenges in blended families, where stepparents must carve roles without displacing existing bonds. The dad’s refusal is rooted in love, not competition. Michael could build trust by joining events without demanding exclusivity. Therapy might help align expectations.

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Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit swung into action with a mix of cheers for the dad and shade for Michael’s overreach. With humor and heat, users unpacked the drama of stepfamily boundaries. Here’s what they said:

Medical-Cat-821 - NTA. You and your ex are doing everything you can to put your kids first, don't let this guy's insecurities get in the way of that. You are even in agreement that he shouldn't get to decide how the two of you are co-parenting.

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[Reddit User] - NTA. He doesn’t get to tell you, their biological father to “leave room” for he who has only been around a couple of years.. State of him asking you to step aside from being a present father.. He’s an a**hole. And lying to you about what your ex said shows him to be a liar too.. Manipulating his way to you being a less present father? Yikes!

[Reddit User] - Definitely NTA. They will never consider him equal to you because he is not. You are their father, and he is their stepfather. He should not have married Thora if he could not handle that role.

NotTheJury - NTA. He is trying to edge you out as dad and he can't do that when you are so involved. Good job, op. You are a good dad!

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Aggressive_Cup8452 - So... he wants you to sacrifice time with your kids, including special events, so his ego is at peace? Even if it did make you the ahole, would you sacrifice that time with your kids for Michael? Is Michael that important to you?. NtA. Michael needs to know his lane and stay in his lane.

Sajem - NTA - and good on you and Thora for what is currently appears to be very successful co-parenting situation. You have every right to be at every one of your kids events as you can possibly attend. I mean every event is important but to actually ask you not to attend Indies graduation, sure it's only elementary school, but to Indie its a huge moment in her life - what a nerve!!

Michael on the other hand, he is an insecure AH and Thora had better have a very stern talk with him about what he has done which is essentially trying to control your parenting rights Someone has already said it but he needs to do something about his insecurity. He went into a relationship with Thora with both eyes wide open - hmm or maybe he didn't

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Natural_Garbage7674 - NTA. *They aren't a stable family unit of four*.  *You* are their father and it sounds like you and Thora are working hard to make sure your kids know how much their parents love them. You're doing a great thing. *Michael* wants a nuclear family, mum, dad, 2 kids. You don't fit in his family.

You aren't undermining his position as their *stepfather*, you're stopping him from *attempting to replace you* as 'dad'. He wants your children to turn to him instead of you. He feels as though he's entitled to a stronger bond because he's married to their mother. He's projecting and *he's attempting to undermine you*. You need to talk to Thora.

Just tell her that you've thought that Michael was upset with you for a while and you weren't sure what you'd done, but he finally spoke to you. That he wants you to spend less time with the kids so he can 'bond' with them. So *she* should try and figure out some way for them to spend time together *during her time* because you aren't giving up time *with your children* for him.

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[Reddit User] - NTA. You and Michael will also never be “equal” Nothing against him, he seems like a good step dad, but he IS the stepdad. Just the way it is, Michael.

Aquarius052 - NTA. If Thora is as great as you portray her, I wouldn't expect her to be married to a lying, narcissistic jealous person like michael for much longer anyway.

MelG146 - 'stable family unit of four'. Here's the thing. The family unit of four exists of you, your ex-wife and the 2 children you have together. THAT'S the family unit. Doesn't matter if you're still together or on your 4th divorce, that family unit will always exist. Michael coming in opens it to a family of 5, and he needs to blend in.. NTA, you're a good dad.

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Reddit’s got strong feelings, but are they seeing the full picture or just rooting for the home team?

This dad’s unwavering commitment to his kids’ events clashes with a stepfather’s quest for a bigger role, exposing the messy heart of blended family life. Michael’s push, and his lie, stirred a storm, but the dad’s resolve to stay involved shines through. Should he have compromised for Michael’s sake, or is he right to stand firm? Share your take—how would you handle a stepparent’s request to step back from your kids’ big moments?

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