AITA for refusing to lend my ill future sister-in-law my wedding dress?

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A wedding dress, lovingly passed from grandmother to mother to daughter, was meant to shine on a 29-year-old bride’s big day. But when her future sister-in-law, newly diagnosed with stage 2 cervical cancer, asked to borrow it for her rushed wedding—after already taking over the couple’s entire event—the bride drew a line. The sister-in-law’s pleas and family pressure turned a generous gesture into a bitter dispute, leaving Reddit abuzz with opinions.

This heart-wrenching story pulls at the strings of compassion, boundaries, and family loyalty. Was the bride selfish for guarding her heirloom, or was her sister-in-law’s demand a step too far? Readers are drawn into a delicate dance of empathy and personal limits, questioning how far one should bend in a crisis.

‘AITA for refusing to lend my ill future sister-in-law my wedding dress?’

My (29F) fiancé (June 32M) and I are getting married this month. We have been together for 3 years and are so excited to finally tie the knot. June’s younger sister (Jane) is also engaged to her long time boyfriend and they are set to wed in January 2023. Two weeks ago Jane was diagnosed with stage 2 cervical cancer.

She’s only 28 and understandably everyone in the family is devastated. Jane and her fiancé visited me and June last weekend and asked us if we can let them have our wedding. Yes, our wedding, that includes the venue, catering, all the vendors except wedding favors. They want to get married before Jane starts her treatment.

She’s a good friend of mine so I didn’t hesitate and agreed. June and I have already paid everything in full except our photographer and it isn’t hard to inform all the guests that the wedding’s been moved as we only have 75 guests including our families. Jane and her fiancé had already saved for their wedding so money isn’t a problem either.

The problem occurred yesterday when Jane called me asking if she could wear my wedding dress and veil as she can’t find a dress that she likes. She was there when I tried my wedding dress after the alterations. I told Jane I’m sorry but she needs to find her own dress.

I told her I can take her to a friend’s boutique and help her find a dress that she’ll love. She didn’t want to and insisted I let her borrow mine. I reminded her that my dress was my mother’s and the veil is an heirloom that was passed on to my mom by my grandma.

Jane was having none of it and told me I was being selfish. She said she doesn’t even know if her treatment will work and this is only a small favor that she’s asking. Needless to say, our phone conversation didn’t end well. I told June about it and he said he respects my decision.

My future in-laws on the other hand have messaged me, asking to reconsider. I don’t want to disappoint them as we have a good relationship and they are going through something hard right now because of their daughter’s illness. But I really don’t want to loan my dress and veil to Jane.

Edit for more info: My fiancé’s family is antivax. That’s why she didn’t get the HPV vaccine. I converted June but we kept it from his family. My dress is safely kept in my parents’ house, to those who are worried it might get destroyed.

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Although I don’t think Jane is the kind of person to destroy it. She is kind and a good friend of mine. Lastly, let me clarify that my wedding isn’t given to her for free, they are to pay for it. We still haven’t decided on a new wedding date though. We’ll see how Jane’s treatment is going.

2nd edit: To those who are worried we might not get paid, June had asked his friend (a lawyer) to have everything in writing before Jane and her fiancé can proceed to taking over our wedding. Our wedding isn’t lavish, we only spent around 18k, mostly due to the venue being expensive. They already paid 12k (from their wedding funds).

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Handing over an entire wedding—venue, vendors, and all—is no small sacrifice, but this bride’s refusal to lend her heirloom dress sparked a family firestorm. The sister-in-law’s cancer diagnosis adds weight to her request, but her insistence on wearing a dress with profound sentimental value, before the bride herself, crosses a boundary. The bride’s firm “no” reflects her need to preserve her family’s legacy, while the sister-in-law’s emotional plea shows her fear and urgency.

Boundary-setting in families facing illness is tricky. A 2022 study in the Journal of Family Therapy found that 60% of families report increased conflict when health crises amplify emotional demands. The sister-in-law’s accusation of selfishness may stem from her distress, but it overlooks the bride’s already generous sacrifice.

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Therapist Dr. Nedra Glover Tawwab notes, “Compassion doesn’t mean erasing your boundaries.” The bride offered alternatives, like helping find a new dress, which could have been a compromise. The sister-in-law could lean on her own family for heirlooms, as suggested by Reddit. Solutions include a calm family meeting to reaffirm boundaries while showing support.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Reddit’s takes are as layered as a wedding cake—let’s slice into the chatter!

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SherbetAnnual2294 − NTA. Jane told me I was being selfish. You gave her your wedding… doesn’t she know not to bite the hand that feeds you? Has she asked for your wedding rings and vows yet or is that after she acquires your dress?

rapt2right − NTA. That is an heirloom gown not an off the rack purchase that could be altered a bit to suit each of you. (Not that that would obligate you- it would just be a slightly less outrageous request) It's intensely personal, utterly unique and completely irreplaceable.

You already gave her *your wedding* and now she literally wants the dress off your back? Does she also want the stockings & bustier you bought to wear under it? Jane was having none of it and told me I was being selfish. She said she doesn’t even know if her treatment will work and this is only a small favor that she’s asking

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Uhm, exactly- so she thinks that you should be willing to risk turning your heirloom wedding dress into her funeral shroud, tainted forever by her illness and possibly her death? It's not a small favor. It's huge. Arguably a bigger favor than the wedding itself. She's trying to blackmail you into letting her wear your grandmother's veil & your mother's wedding dress *before you get to wear them*!

_-cephalopod-_ − NTA. You already gave her the damn day. The dress and veil are both items saved for you by your family. The dress has already been altered to fit you. Her illness does not give her the rights to your dress and veil. She better find herself a dress soon because it'll probably be your fault if she doesn't have enough time for alterations. I'm already sorry for you and the future bs you are going to have to deal with

CouchcarrotStatus − NTA…if it gets ruined, what then? She’ll play the cancer card to play the victim.. Stand strong, there have been plenty of posts of family members “accidentally” ruining wedding dresses.. She needs to be reminded that it’s one day and their time together is what matters.

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[Reddit User] − NTA. You have bent over backwards to accommodate Jane. Your dress is a family heirloom and you are not obligated IN ANY WAY to share it with her. It sounds like you want to reconcile with Jane and your in-laws. I would invite all of them out to a neutral location, explain the significance of your dress and veil to your family, and offer again to help Jane pick out a dress.

If she still refuses, remind her that you’ve literally given up your entire planned wedding for her and reiterate that she is not wearing your family heirloom dress. Hopefully at some point during this conversation, someone will realize that she’s being ridiculous.

karina_rain25 − I hope someone talks to Jane and make her understand that although she’s going through something difficult, she isn’t entitled to get everything that she wants.. What did your family say when you told them that your wedding was moved? NTA by the way.

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susanbarron33 − NTA. She sounds like an entitled brat. Yes she has cervical cancer but that doesn’t mean she can demand things from people. You already are giving her your wedding. You do not have to give her your dress.

stacity − NTA. Hell to the no! Not only has she hijacked your wedding, she now wants your dress and family heirlooms? S**ew cancer and all but she’s milking this to the extremes that are petty and selfish. Put your foot down with your ‘no’ being the final answer. Non-negotiable.. The nerve of these entitled people. Do they also want fries with that?

FamousOhioAppleHorn − NTA. I wouldn't have forked over the entire wedding in the first place, cancer or no cancer. What's next ? Are they going to ask for the house someone else is currently closing on ? Maybe knock on a neighbor's door and ask for their expensive grill or car ?

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[Reddit User] − INFO: Where is MIL's wedding dress in all this? A daughter has some slight expectation of using HER OWN MOTHER'S wedding dress. Not her 'future SIL's mother's dress and grandmother's veil', geez!. NTA to guard your own family heirloom. Let Jane create one of her own, with her family.

From backing the bride’s boundary to questioning the sister-in-law’s entitlement, these comments stir a lively debate. But do they untangle this emotional knot, or just add more frosting?

This wedding dress dilemma reveals the tightrope walk of supporting a loved one’s crisis while holding personal ground. The bride’s sacrifice of her wedding was monumental, yet her sister-in-law’s demand for her heirloom dress pushed too far. Was the bride right to stand firm, or should she have bent further? It’s a reminder that boundaries matter, even in tough times. Ever faced a tough family request? What would you do in this bride’s shoes? Share your thoughts below!

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