AITA for refusing to go to my friend’s bf’s party after she demanded to approve my outfit?

Ellen Andrade Hours
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Picture a lively group chat buzzing with party plans, only to be derailed by a single text that raises eyebrows. A 29-year-old woman, caught in a whirlwind of friendship and fashion, faces an unexpected demand from her friend Kate: tone down her outfit for Kate’s boyfriend Jamie’s 30th birthday bash to avoid stealing the spotlight. The request, dripping with insecurity, sparks a clash of pride and principle, leaving her to question her place in their circle.

This sticky situation unfolds like a modern-day drama, where loyalty, self-respect, and social expectations collide. Her decision to skip the party rather than comply stirs up tension, with Kate doubling down and Jamie unaware of the real reason. Readers can’t help but wonder: is she right to stand her ground, or is she letting pride overshadow a friend’s big day?

‘AITA for refusing to go to my friend’s bf’s party after she demanded to approve my outfit?’

My (29F) friend Kate (28) has a boyfriend, Jamie (29), whom she has been with for nearly 3 years. We met Jamie on a night out, and I would say that although he's Kate's bf I consider him a friend. We share an interest in a particular sport that we text about sometimes and if I have a spare hospitality ticket to one of the sporting fixtures, I will sometimes invite Jamie to go.

Jamie's 30th is coming up and Jamie and Kate planned a big party, and I peripherally helped out with logistics when asked. A few days ago, Kate texted me. She asked if I wouldn't mind 'toning down' my look for the party, and if I could send her a picture of what I was planning to wear.

I asked her what this meant and after asking several times if she 'really had to say it' she asked if I could dress (verbatim) 'basically what \[I\] would consider frumpy' because she really didn't want to be outshone at her own boyfriend's birthday party.

When I didn't reply right away she went on to say that she wanted Jamie's full attention that night, which she wouldn't get if I showed up dressed properly. I was a bit annoyed by what she was implying so I said if I was going to be so much of a concern for her, I'd rather just politely decline the invitation.

Kate freaked out saying I was being immature by not coming just because I couldn't steal the spotlight. I said it wasn't about that, it was about her making me responsible for whether or not I draw her boyfriend's attention, which is something I've never tried to do nor done as far as I'm aware.

She then said it was really important to Jamie that she stand out because his friends and colleagues would be there. I just told her that again, if she was so worried I was going to be distracting everyone, I'd rather not come than feel humiliated from now until the event. I said I would send her Jamie's gift and she could tell him why I wasn't coming.

I guess she didn't tell him the reason because Jamie messaged me saying he knows I'm 'booked' the night of the party but he'd really like it if I could be there, and asked if I could reorganise so I could come. I hadn't replied, but I got a message from Kate saying she knows Jamie is trying to get me to come and please could I just put my pride aside and come to the party.

I asked if she was going to ditch the outfit policing, but she said no, so I said I would not be coming. She didn't reply, but I've since received a couple of texts from mutual friends saying that while her request is ridiculous, Kate is aware of that, she's just desperate to be seen a certain way and even if it's pathetic I would probably feel the same way in her shoes.

Other friends I've told (who don't know Kate) say I should not bow to the pressure and that she's nuts for even asking, and I don't disagree, but also I feel bad skipping the party when it's Jamie's birthday and he asked specifically that I come. So, should I be going?

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The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

Kate’s attempt to control her friend’s outfit screams insecurity, but it’s a relatable misstep in the messy world of friendships. As Dr. Irene S. Levine, a psychologist specializing in friendships, notes in her Psychology Today article, “Jealousy can erode trust when one friend feels threatened by another’s presence” . Kate’s fear of being outshone likely stems from deeper anxieties about her relationship with Jamie, but her approach—dictating her friend’s wardrobe—crosses a line.

The OP’s frustration is valid: being asked to dim her shine feels like a personal jab. Kate’s insistence on “frumpy” attire suggests she views her friend as a rival, not a supporter. Meanwhile, Jamie’s obliviousness adds fuel, as he unknowingly pressures the OP to attend without addressing Kate’s behavior. This dynamic highlights a broader issue: 62% of women report experiencing jealousy in close friendships, per a 2019 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships .

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Dr. Levine advises, “Healthy friendships thrive on mutual respect, not competition.” The OP’s choice to skip the party protects her dignity but risks straining both friendships. A compromise, like attending in a simpler outfit without bowing to Kate’s demands, could have kept the peace while maintaining self-respect. Moving forward, the OP should set clear boundaries with Kate, perhaps suggesting open communication to address insecurities. Therapy or counseling, as Levine suggests, could help Kate build confidence without undermining others.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, serving up a spicy mix of support and shade for the OP’s dilemma. Their takes range from fiery clapbacks to practical advice, with a dash of humor that keeps it real. Here’s what they had to say:

Livid-Flan − Nta. Tell Jamie the truth. Just say 'sorry but when the choices are giving up my bodily autonomy or giving up the party, the choice is simple'.

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TheRadiumGirl − NTA. A friend that demands you look bad just to make themselves look good isn't a great friend. You aren't responsible for her self esteem. She needs to find ways to feel better about herself that doesn't involve dictating what others wear. She's too old for this middle school bs.

[Reddit User] − NTA but wooooow I had to check everyone’s ages. Kate sounds exhausting to be friends with. Does she think you’re going to Don a low cut floozy dress like Scarlett O’Hara at Ashley’s birthday party? I find it so strange that at nearly 30 all of your friends circle seems to have the bandwidth to care about such a non issue.

What I think is really happening is that Kate can sense Jamie probably has more than platonic feelings for you and she’s spiraling. To be honest, i would probably cool it on the one on one time with Jamie and the texting. Is he such a good friend dealing with Kate’s drama is worth it?

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aussie_girl0418 − NTA. She’s jealous of you and/ or your relationship with Jamie.. Never make yourself less for someone else.. I’d go to the party, but look amazing, forget Kate and enjoy yourself with your other friends 👌👌

Curious-One4595 − NTA.. The request is ridiculous and unreasonable.. But:. How much do you value your friendship with Kate?. How much do you value your friendship with Jamie? If the answer to both questions is “highly”, then you have a couple of options which leave your dignity intact:

1. Tell her you think there’s a better way to handle her insecurities than what she has in mind. Plan a shopping trip together and help her pick out something that looks stunning on her and maybe have hair and makeup done together the day of and pick outfits and hair makeup for you that is within your style but slightly less attention gathering than hers.

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2. Tell her you’re not doing frumpy but you will compromise and go with a simpler style as a one-time concession to her insecurities but it will not become a habit and any further requests of this sort will damage your friendship. Tell her she’s a wonderful person and her insecurities are best resolved through counseling rather than using friends as props.

Then choose an outfit/look that is much simpler than your normal style but which really suits you, and dial your charisma back a bit for the night. Bonus points if you bring a really hot date.. If you rate your friendship with Jamie a lot higher, then either:

1. Figure out what will both make you comfortable and make his birthday drama free while you still attend part of it and do that for Jamie; or 2. Dress wildly frumpy in a costume way and have fun with it. I dare you to wear a granny dress and bun or a flannel shirt and denim coveralls.

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Or pull the old frumpy til partway through gag where toward the end you say you’re overheated and go to the bathroom and take off your fake glasses, let your beautiful hair down, and remove your frumpy outer layer to reveal a glamorous layer underneath.. If your own dignity is more important than either friendship, don’t go. Telling Jamie why is optional.

devinja33 − NTA: Please go, and dress exactly like you would have or better. FAFO

Nitro114 − Info: I know this is probably gonna sound bad but how good are you two looking compared to each other?

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LuciGamer − She then said it was really important to Jamie that she stand out because his friends and colleagues would be there. This resonated with me - I know that feeling from a former toxic relationship. I feel there is more to it, then we can see. Op is NTA. But I can sympathize with Kate too. And if the question is whether to go, I wouldn't.

CryptographerNo8460 − NTA and you should tell Jaimie exactly why you're not going to be there. Kate's behavior is ridiculous and immature and she knows that otherwise she'd have told Jaimie herself, but she lied and covered it up. Or tell her you'll go, but you'll wear whatever tf you want, what's she going to do, block you at the door?

Consistent-Chef-6068 − NTA for being you. You will be TA if you don’t show Jamie the texts and let him know the truth about the shallow woman he’s dating. Just wow! If she is this jealous of you already then it sets the tone for all future events.

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Can you imagine the wedding where Kate is the bride if this is already her attitude for a birthday party. I can see kate being the woman to insist that everyone else wear something ugly so she looks good.

These Redditors rallied behind the OP, slamming Kate’s outfit policing as petty and insecure. Some suspect deeper issues, like Kate’s fear of Jamie’s feelings, while others urge the OP to show up looking fabulous. But do these hot takes capture the full picture, or are they just fanning the drama flames?

This tale of wardrobe wars and wounded pride shows how quickly insecurity can unravel friendships. The OP’s stand prioritizes self-respect, but it leaves Jamie’s birthday caught in the crossfire. Kate’s misstep, while relatable, doesn’t justify controlling her friend’s choices. Balancing loyalty and personal boundaries is never easy, but open communication could mend this rift. What would you do if a friend asked you to dim your shine for their moment? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

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For those who want to read the sequel: [UPDATE] My friend asked me to dress badly to her bf’s party?

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