AITA for refusing to go on a vacation without my daughter?

In a cozy family home, where suitcases sat half-packed, a father’s heart wrestled with a painful choice. With a blended family of four kids, he faced a vacation dilemma: his 13-year-old daughter, limited by a tough co-parenting deal, couldn’t join out-of-state trips. Determined not to deepen her feelings of being sidelined, he refused to go without her, sparking a fiery clash with his wife, who felt he was abandoning their other three kids.

The tension boiled over as his wife pushed for the trip, calling him a bad husband and father. His offer to fund her mother’s help didn’t cool the heat—she wanted him by her side. It’s a tale of loyalty torn between kids, a marriage tested by custody battles, and a dad fighting to keep one daughter’s heart intact. Was his stand a noble sacrifice or a family fracture?

‘AITA for refusing to go on a vacation without my daughter?’

My wife and I have two kids together. She has a son from a previous relationship (his dad is not in his life at all so he is with us all the time) and I have a daughter from a previous relationship. My ex is very difficult to co-parents and unfortunately I only have my daughter every other weekend and one day a week.

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I used to coach her team because it gives me more time with her, but she is too talented to be coached by dad now. I am fighting like hell to change this (to get more time). My daughter (13f) has expressed to me that she is hurt that I spend more time with my two younger kids (6f, 8m)

and my stepson (15m) more than her and I am doing my very best to let her know that she is not loved any less and if I had my way I would get to see her way more. My wife and I want to travel with the kids and my ex has made it very difficult and always refuses to allow my daughter to go.

She needs permission from both parents to leave the state, so unfortunately there is nothing I can do at the moment. My wife thinks that the other three should not be held back because of my daughter (I can share more about my daughter's and wife's relationship if this info is necessary to make a judgment)

I agree that the others should not be held back and I don't want them to resent my daughter if we do not travel because of her. However, I am not comfortable going on these trips if she is not there. I gave my wife my blessing to travel with my stepson and two younger kids,

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but told her that I cannot join her because I do not want to hurt my daughter more. I told her we can travel in state as a family but until she is 18, I do not feel comfortable going to places without her. My wife is really angry with me and says she does not want to travel alone with the three kids and I am being a bad husband/father for not going.

I told her that I understand her feelings and that we can pay for her mother or someone else to go with them if she feels like it is overwhelming. We got into a really big fight and I ended up telling her that I am looking out for the well-being of all four kids but she is only looking out for her 3.

She told me that I am an a**hole for not going on the trip and accusing her of not loving my daughter (I did not accuse her of this I just said she is not thinking about my daughter's feelings in this instance). So AITA for not going on a trip without my daughter?

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edit: talked to wife and told her that we can go out of state but she has to help me tell my daughter since it is her idea and she can’t put it all on me . told my ex that I will tell daughter that she is the one blocking the trips.

Told both of them that every trip we take without daughter, will be a father/daughter trip out of state I take with her when she turns 18 and I will be taking solo trips with her if I am forced to leave her behind. I’m sick of my daughter being used as a pawn

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This vacation standoff dives into the messy heart of blended family dynamics. The father, caught between his daughter’s hurt and his wife’s frustration, chose loyalty to one child over a family getaway, risking resentment from all sides. His wife’s push for the trip, while practical, overlooks the emotional toll on a teen already feeling left out due to a rigid custody agreement.

Dr. Patricia Papernow, a blended family expert, notes in a 2021 Psychology Today article, “Stepfamily members often feel torn between loyalties, especially when custody limits access.” A 2022 American Psychological Association study found 65% of teens in blended families report feeling excluded when not included in family activities. The father’s fear of deepening his daughter’s pain is valid, but excluding himself may strain his marriage and other kids’ bonds.

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A compromise—like in-state trips or documenting efforts to include his daughter—could ease tensions. His update, promising future father-daughter trips, is a step toward balance. Experts suggest legal action to modify custody and open family talks to align priorities.

Check out how the community responded:

The Reddit crew jumped into this family fray like it was a heated holiday barbecue, tossing out opinions with a mix of heart and heat. Here’s the raw scoop from the online crowd, served with a side of blended-family wisdom:

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christina0001 − NTA the only a**hole here is your ex. You're in a no win situation. Personally I don't think sacrificing travel time with your wife and three other kids is helping the situation though. Your 13 year old will eventually mature enough to realize she missed out on these trips because of her mother, whereas your wife and other 3 kids will only have you to resent.

Vacawouldbenice − Get a lawyer and get more time with your daughter. It would be nice to have all the kids on vacation once in a while so if you have to go through a judge to get that so be it. Your daughter will realize when she’s an adult how s**tty her mom was for this. A good mom would encourage a relationship with the father.

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Intelligent_Stop5564 − Mild YTA. All of your kids are entitled to spend the with you and enjoy vacation. Your wife needs someone to split driving and share discipline. She also wants your time and attention. Punishing everyone in your family because your daughter can't come is wrong.

You're playing favorites and wasting precious opportunities to have fun and make memories. Be fully part of your family. Make sure your daughter know how much you, her stepmother and siblings wish she was there. Tell her she is always invited but her Mom has to say yes.

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LibraWoman1 − YTA ONLY for not taking the ex back to court over this or explaining very clearly to your daughter that it’s her mother causing this issue or both. I understand wanting to shelter kids from custody related animosity but she’s old enough to know your ex is a hardass and is preventing many things related to her.

It’s not fair to keep planned trips away from everyone else. If your daughter is guilt tripping you saying you love everyone else more it’s time to remove the emotional handcuffs and be straight with her about exactly WHY you cannot see her more or take her on vacations.

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SlinkyMalinky20 − Based on your replies, it seems obvious that you are convinced that you are right and are not willing to consider that you might be the AH. I get that you think you have the moral high ground here,

but you’ve brought this to the family - from having a child with an irrational woman/not coparenting effectively, to not aggressively seeking more equitable custody (“I’m trying” isn’t enough - the law works, you have to use it), to demonizing your wife for her viable point of view, to minimizing the cost of your decision on your other three kids, to refusing to see the frequent refrain in these responses.

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You are centering your 13 year old daughter’s feelings and placing them higher than your wife or the other kids’ - that’s not sacrosanct. It’s your choice to do so, but it makes you a less great husband and father for the balance of your family. If that’s the choice you make, so be it. But don’t delude yourself that you are the angel and your wife is the devil - she’s got a crappy hand now, too.

dbee8q − Gently YTA, you don't want your daughter to miss out but your happy for the other 3 children to miss a holiday with their Dad? You also need a solicitor, most judges in America will give more custody than what you have and so many holidays a year.. Your other children are only young once, don't miss time with them, it's not their fault.

Objective_Oil_7934 − Why not get modification to the custody agreement. Your wife isn’t wrong for wanting family vacations, and you are not wrong for wanting to leave your daughter home. Unfortunately it isn’t fair to put the blame on your wife instead of on your ex. You are not being fair to your other 3 kids either. You expect them to take less because your ex is trying to control things.

Short-Ad-9388 − NAH. This is genuinely a really hard one. You have your heart in the right place and and it's true that your daughter may resent vacations that she can't take part in. ...But your solution is that you guys....never get to take a holiday out of state as a family?? Your wife and other kids never get that, just because of your ex's intransigence? That's not fair on them.

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I.N.F.O. - has the ex ever taken daughter on a holiday out of state during her custody time, and have you permitted that? (If so, why is it fair that she gets to go see places when your other children cannot?)

Plan a holiday, communicate with the ex, tell the daughter you hope that she can come but that you respect whatever mum decides (at 13 she's old enough to know the truth about this situation IMHO), and if there is resentment then the daughter can express it to her mum.

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emilystarr − There is a lot going on here, and a severe lack of details around a lot of it.. 1. Your first marriage broke up when you had an affair with your current wife.. 2. Your daughter doesn’t think she should do chores while she’s at your house.. 3. I haven’t seen any details about where out of state your wife wants to go.

First, your daughter is just getting to the age now where she is starting to see things through a more adult viewpoint, and there could be a lot of resentment under the surface for your wife breaking up her parents. This could be the root of some of the issues with your wife and daughter, especially if her mom is feeding that.

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This is just a challenge all around. Your claim that your current wife knew you were married when you had an affair doesn’t absolve you of anything here, and you may need to address this directly with your daughter and clear the air.

Without more details about the chores complaints I don’t know where to land on this, but your daughter should be contributing reasonably to day to day stuff at your house, picking up her own stuff, setting the table for dinner. She should not be asked to do whole house cleaning or anything like that.

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If she comes over and makes a huge mess and thinks she isn’t responsible for it, that’s going to be frustrating to your wife. If your wife expects her to vacuum, dust and do three days of dishes, that’s clearly unfair to your daughter.

To me, the location of the trip your wife wants makes all the difference here. Does she want a beach vacation but insists it’s Hawaii, not San Diego? That’s a jerk move. Your little kids love dinosaurs and she wants to take them to see the fossils in Utah? That is way more reasonable.

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TheBlueManatee − Is there a reason you haven't gone to court to get more time and vacation rights?

Redditors split down the middle, some cheering the dad’s devotion, others calling out his neglect of the other kids. The ex’s control took heavy fire, but so did his all-or-nothing stance. Do these takes nail the balance of fairness, or just stir the custody pot?

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This tale of a skipped vacation and a strained marriage shows how custody battles can ripple through a family’s joy. The dad’s stand protected his daughter’s heart but left his wife feeling stranded, proving love’s choices are rarely simple. It’s a reminder that blended families need open hearts and legal savvy to thrive. What would you do if faced with this parenting pickle? Share your thoughts—how would you balance one child’s pain with a family’s plans?

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