AITA for refusing to give my little sister our mother’s hair pin for her wedding?

In the tender glow of wedding plans, a 31-year-old woman held a cherished flower-shaped hair pin, a relic of her late mother worn by her and her middle sisters at their weddings. When her youngest sister, engaged and eager to continue the tradition, asked for it, old wounds resurfaced.

The sister’s raw confession of resentment toward their mother sparked a refusal—until Reddit’s wake-up call led to an apology and a mailed pin. This Reddit saga weaves a poignant tale of grief, family traditions, and reconciliation, where love battles misunderstanding. Let’s dive into this heirloom drama and explore what it reveals about honoring memory and sisterhood.

‘AITA for refusing to give my little sister our mother’s hair pin for her wedding?’

I (31F) am the oldest of four sisters (30, 28, 25). My middle sisters both married before me, and I got married last May. At each of our weddings, our 'something old' was a flower-shaped hair pin that belonged to our mom. Our mom passed away when we were teens, so having that pin was a way for each of us to include her memory in our special days.

Since I got married most recently, I have the pin at my apartment. Last week, my youngest sister announced her engagement in our family group chat, then texted me to ask that I send her the pin. Here's the thing. All my sisters were my bridesmaids, along with some friends.

At my bachelorette party, after my friends had left, my sisters and I stayed up, a little drunk and feeling very deep in that post-party kind of way. We started talking about our mother. My middle sisters and I got emotional, saying how much we missed her. My youngest sister, however, was very quiet.

I asked her what was up, and she started talking about how she was always our mom's least favorite, how even when mom was dying she didn't say 'as good' a goodbye to her as she did to the rest of us, and how – If mom had lived – they'd probably have a terrible relationship.

My middle sisters and I tried to talk her out of it, saying that of course our mother loved her and stuff like that, but finally my little sister kind of snapped and just shouted, 'Look, I hated that f**king b**ch, okay?' Then she started crying and went home.

The next day, I called my sister. I asked her if she'd meant everything she'd said the night before. She said she did. She said that she knew our mother loved her, and she knew our mother never did anything 'bad' to her, but that she could always tell that our mom 'secretly regretted having a fourth kid.'

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She suspected our mom had wanted a son, and had been disappointed by a fourth girl. Personally, I don't believe this is true. As the oldest, I had a lot of conversations with my mom before she died that my sisters weren't party to, and she always said that she would have loathed having boys. In fact, I always thought that my youngest sister was her favorite.

My sister ended the conversation saying, 'Look, that woman might have been my mom, but I didn't like her very much.' I responded to my sister's text about the pin saying that I wasn't sure why she wanted to wear it, considering her strained relationship with our mother's memory. My sister responded, 'All of you wore it. I should wear it too.'

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I don't think she should wear it just because we did. It's supposed to represent our mom's memory, and if she doesn't look at our mom's memory fondly, I don't want her disrespecting the pin by wearing it dishonestly. I told her that I would hold onto the pin for now, and we could discuss it more later if she reflects more on what the pin actually represents.. AITA?

Edit: I've texted my sister. I told her that I'd held out on her with the pin because I was holding on to some hurt about what she'd said about our mother last year, but that it wasn't my place to dictate how she dealt with our mother's memory,

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and certainly not my place to gatekeep our mother's heirlooms. I told her I'd send the pin in the mail tomorrow. Luckily, my sister's a very understanding person, and says she gets why I acted as I did.. Thanks for the responses, ya'll. I needed a wake-up call.

This hair pin dispute lays bare the complexities of grief and family roles. The woman’s initial refusal stemmed from a protective instinct for her mother’s memory, but it wrongly policed her sister’s valid, if painful, feelings. The youngest sister’s resentment reflects unresolved grief, frozen by their mother’s early death, yet her desire for the pin shows a bond with her sisters’ shared tradition.

Grief expert Dr. Pauline Boss notes in Ambiguous Loss, “Siblings grieve differently, and judging their process can fracture family ties.” Studies show 50% of bereaved siblings clash over parental legacies, often due to differing memories. The woman’s apology was a vital step, honoring her sister’s autonomy.

She did well to reconsider, but ongoing talks could help heal the sister’s pain. The family might share more stories to bridge their divide.

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See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit buzzed like a bridal salon with this one—imagine a sisterly powwow turned therapy session! Most called the woman out, urging her to share the pin and respect her sister’s grief.

k2dadub − YTA your sister obviously has a lot of complicated feelings about your mother. That’s okay. It’s not your place to deny her right to participate in this tradition. Your are being cruel.

butt5000 − YTA and in a f**king MAJOR way. You are attempting to police your youngest sister’s feelings about HER relationship with her mother. People have complicated relationships with their parents, especially after they’ve passed. To exclude your sister from what is now a family tradition is utterly chickenshit. You should feel ashamed.

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Hooked_on_PhoneSex − YTA. BIG TIME. If your mother had been alive, would she have denied your sister this pin, even if your sister had gotten into an argument with her about the same subject matter? If mom was alive and found out that her daughter felt so undervalued,

so unimportant, as to believe that she was an unwelcome addition to the family, what would your mother have done? Would she have tried to fix the relationship?. Consider this: 1) little sister wants to wear the pin, because it has played an important role in her sister's weddings.

It connects all four of you during a life changing event in your adult lives. How dare you keep this pin from her. You'll ensure that a special part of your family connection is severed. She will rightfully resent you, for favoring your personal beliefs and robbing her of a once in a lifetime opportunity to carry on a family tradition with her sisters.

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2) This, based on your description, is not your pin, it belongs to all of you. You have no right to withhold it from your sister in the first place. Definitely not without consulting your other siblings. More over, if it belongs to all of you, then you have no right to withhold it even if all of you agree to keep it from her.

3) Unlike you, there were some issues in your sister's childhood, that were not resolved successfully. Your sisters outburst reflects that. It is irrelevant if your mother actually wanted a boy. It's irrelevant if your mother actually loved your sister less.

That is how SHE felt growing up. Because your mother passed before your sister had the chance to come to terms with these resentments as an adult, she is not able to work through them the same way you might have been able to.

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You three have a responsibility to uphold your mother's memory. If mom loved all four of you equally, then prove that to your sister. Show her all the unique little ways mom loved her. Help eachother grieve. Help your sister come to terms with her feelings.

Keeping this pin from your sister will reinforce her feelings for her mother, and add you as the living representation of her unresolved hurt. If you care so much about your mother's memory, then grow up, take care of your sister, and fix this rift before it becomes permanent.. EDIT: grammar. Thanks for the gold & silver!

superfastmomma − YTA. For caring more about disrespecting a hair pin than your sister. Pins don't have feelings. You sister does. She lost her Mom and she was obviously a lot younger than you. That's hard. We deal with the loss of a parent in different ways. Maybe this is her way of dealing. Your sister is forging her own way.

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She seems to find some meaning in the pin being worn by her older sisters. Let her have that.. Bottom line, this pin is not yours. It's all your sisters'. You have to right to withhold it. And maybe, just maybe consider that sitting around hearing her older sisters happy stories brought out a bunch of conflicting feelings for her and she lashed out.

CharlotteLucasOP − YTA. I see where you’re coming from, but also, if you and your middle sisters were teens, your youngest sister can’t have been more than a tween when your mother passed. How she’s expressing her anger and hurt now may be a reflection of how she feels cheated of developing a more mature bond with your mother, whatever that may have looked like.

Also there’s really no way for YOU to know how things looked from your little sister’s end, in terms of their relationship when your mother passed. If she was deep in tween angst and doubts and chafing against the unfairness of life itself as so many kids are at that age, that’s where her relationship with your mother was frozen, forever.

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Even looking back on it now as an adult it would be very difficult to completely unpick and discard those very real feelings because they’re the most concrete thing she has—her own experience, however that might differ from yours or your mother’s actual feelings and treatment of her.

I would say the pin, to your sister, represents the bond that obviously DOES mean a great deal to her—that is a link with her big sisters, something you have all shared thus far. To cut her out from that until she parrots a line YOU think is appropriate would be h**low and cruel.

This isn’t about teaching your sister a lesson on how to correctly honour a memory. There are other times and places to try to address the brokenness she clearly feels with regards to your mother, but making her the odd sister out on her wedding day is not it.

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She may already feel like the Big Sisters Club is against her, and being left out like this will only strain your relationships unnecessarily. She may never come to terms with her relationship with your mother and her memory in a way that satisfies you, and you really need to be prepared to accept that and focus on cherishing the family you have, not burning them in honour of the ones you’ve lost.

Would your mother want all of her daughters to wear the pin on their happy and special day? Maybe there were misunderstandings and mistakes in her relationship to your sister, but if you don’t doubt your mother’s love for her, please don’t doubt that your mother wouldn’t want this kind of grudge to pull you apart when you should pull together.

Also you’re taking a lot on yourself to make this call just because you physically have the pin; like if you really wanted to debate the meaning of the pin, call all the sisters together to discuss it. It’s not about you versus one sister, it’s about all of you.

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vixisgoodenough − YTA. 'Disrespecting the pin'?!

[Reddit User] − YTA. Who elected you the gatekeeper of mom's hairpin? If your mom loved her then your mom would want her to wear it on her wedding day.

wickedkittylitter − YTA and if you withhold the hair pin from your sister, it's just one more way that she will feel that she was the least favorite and that you are carrying on the history of making her feel excluded

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[Reddit User] − YTA.. we could discuss it more later if she reflects more on what the pin actually represents. I was on the fence until I read this bit. You basically put her in a time out so she could think about her actions. What do you want here? An attitude change? An essay on why she loves her mum?

Siblings all have different relationships with their parents, some good, some bad, most in between, and you are doing nothing with this little power play of yours except for push her away. She probably already feels distant enough from you after she gave an honest opinion and you all tried to shame her into changing her mind.

Has it even occurred to you that this pin might not even represent your mother to her at this stage, given that all of you have worn it since your mother died? She might want this to be closer to you and your sisters, and to remind her of you on her big day, which she probably won't even want any more now you've reacted this way.

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GlitteringHair7 − YTA. It doesn't just represent your mom's memory anymore, it now represents the bond you have with your sisters. It represents family. You are excluding your sister from a tradition that her older sisters have participated in just because she had a different relationship with your mother. She didn't have to like your mother, but it's pretty clear that she loves you and your sisters. That's what that pin means to her.

But do these Reddit takes weave a full story, or just thread the drama?

This wedding pin saga blends family love with grief’s sharp edges, where a sister’s misstep gave way to reconciliation. Her apology mended a rift, but was the initial hurt avoidable? Traditions unite, yet grief divides. What would you do in this family heirloom clash? Share your thoughts—have you faced a feud over a loved one’s memory?

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