AITA For Refusing To Fund My Fiancé’s Biological Daughter’s College, Despite Our Wealth?

In a quiet suburban home, a couple’s peaceful evening was shattered by an unexpected knock at the door—a 17-year-old girl, the biological daughter of the man of the house, standing nervously on their doorstep. For a couple who meticulously planned a child-free life, her sudden arrival stirred a whirlwind of emotions. The woman, caught off guard, watched her fiancé navigate this newfound connection, only for it to escalate into a heated debate over money and responsibility. Readers can’t help but wonder: where does duty end when family ties are only by blood?

This story unfolds a modern dilemma, blending personal boundaries with familial expectations. As the couple grapples with guilt trips and mounting pressure, the question looms—do they owe anything to a daughter who was never part of their lives? Dive into this Reddit saga that’s sparking fiery debates online.

‘AITA For Refusing To Fund My Fiancé’s Biological Daughter’s College, Despite Our Wealth?’

I (31F) have been with my fiancé (33M) for about 9 years. When he was 16, he got his high school girlfriend pregnant. He did not want to be involved and they agreed on an open adoption and found a lovely family and signed away all parental rights. I knew about this when we started dating.

Neither of us wanted kids (we are still child free) so it honestly didn’t bother me. He has never been involved in her (17F) life, but as far as I’m aware the biological mom has, as well as my fiancé’s mother. A few months ago, she showed up at our house completely unannounced and i was utterly shocked.

She wanted to know her biological father and where he came from, etc. and my fiancé happily obliged and took her out for lunch. She stayed in contact and they’ve gone out to lunch a few more times, but it’s starting to get really intense and the adoptive parents have been coming around quite a bit as well.

My fiancé has kept her at a distance, but recently got a call that her adoptive parents are requesting we help pay for her college because they are struggling financially due to COVID and don’t want her to have to take out student loans. We refused and they began guilt-tripping him saying that she’s his daughter.

To say i was pissed is an understatement. We both had massive amounts of student loans when we left college and have worked our asses off paying them off. At the beginning of our relationship, my fiancé started a tech company that is now thriving and we are able to live extremely comfortably and has afforded us to basically do whatever we want.

We live in a very nice house and both have very well paying jobs and hefty savings accounts for a safety net. We could easily afford to help pay for her college, but the thing is, she isn’t our child. He hadn’t even MET her before this year. He signed away all of his parental rights 17 years ago, and we don’t have kids for a reason: we don’t want them.

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I don’t feel like it’s his/our responsibility to give her money simply on the basis that they are related by DNA. His side of the family is starting to make him feel guilty by saying he has the money, so he should help. He started to give into the guilt but since we share finances, i outright refused and he ended up siding with me.

We’ve worked really hard (him especially) to build this life and plan for our future over the past decade and I’m not comfortable with this situation at all. I am getting an insane amount of hate from his side of the family/ the adoptive family for ‘denying her a future’ and it’s taking everything in me to not tell them to F off.. So, Reddit, AITA?

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EDIT: I make quite a decent living myself, it’s not just my husbands money. His company has taken off for sure and i really don’t NEED to work, but i make well over 6 figures myself. This would be MY money as well. The adoption was only “open” because bio mom wanted it to be. Fiancé has never wanted to be apart of the child’s life, was simply supportive of bio mom and her rights to choose.

EDIT 2: It has come to light that she got into a highly accredited university (think USC, UCLA, etc) that her parents can not afford without our help, and is not willing to go to community college for the first 2 years to make it more affordable.

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Navigating unexpected family ties can feel like stepping into a soap opera with no script. The couple’s refusal to fund a college education for a daughter absent from their lives for 17 years stirs a complex mix of legal, emotional, and moral questions. The woman and her fiancé, firm in their child-free stance, face off against the adoptive parents’ plea, who argue biology implies obligation. The fiancé’s decision to sign away parental rights years ago legally clears him, but emotions muddy the waters.

This situation reflects a broader issue: the expectations placed on biological parents in open adoptions. According to a 2021 study by the National Adoption Center, about 60% of adoptions in the U.S. are open to some degree, often leading to blurred lines of responsibility (adopt.org). The adoptive parents’ financial struggles, exacerbated by COVID, highlight a real issue—rising college costs, with average tuition at private universities like USC hitting $60,000 annually (nces.ed.gov).

Dr. Jane Adams, a family dynamics expert, notes, “Biological parents who relinquish rights are not obligated to provide financial support, but societal pressure often guilt-trips them into feeling otherwise” (psychologytoday.com). Her insight suggests the fiancé’s family is leveraging emotional manipulation, ignoring the legal clarity of adoption. The couple’s wealth adds another layer—society often expects the affluent to “share the wealth,” regardless of context.

For the couple, setting boundaries is key. They could explore compromises, like offering a one-time gift toward tuition if a relationship develops naturally, but they should prioritize their financial plans. Open communication with the adoptive family, clarifying their stance without hostility, could ease tensions while maintaining their position.

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See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit’s hive mind didn’t hold back, dishing out opinions with the candor of a family reunion gone wild. Here’s what the community had to say about this sticky situation:

yodiggitydonut − NTA. It doesn't sound like a coincidence that all of a sudden she wants to meet her bio dad and within a few months her parents are calling to ask for money. While I don't want to assume the girl has only bad intentions, it's possible her parents encouraged her with the intent to use it as a way to get money.

When they adopted her, they became her parents. Loans suck, yes, and maybe in the future if their relationship continues you and your husband may feel comfortable gifting her some money to pay off the loans. But right now I feel like it's way too soon for her to be asking for money.

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sijarabr − NTA The adoptive parents are the TA, firstly for getting in touch without prior notice or permission. Secondly for thinking they are entitled to financial help after seeing how well you both are doing. Lastly, for saying she is your fiancé’s daughter (clearly they missed the point of an adoption). It would also help massively if your fiancé stepped up and announced his decision instead of making it look like it’s your sole decision not to pay.

jasonofoz − NTA. You're right, the title did sound bad, but the second I read the bit about the kid being adopted out you were absolved of any and all potential guilt. The adoptive parents knew what they were getting in to, *they* are the girl's parents now. Your partner is only there for health and geneology reference.

GreatfulLoL − Girl, you know you’re NTA. I’m sure you are going to tell them “No” like the self-confident badass you are. ✊🏾

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Deferon-VS − Legally all ties are cut. If he had been a part of her life, it might be on the table, but she/her parents just right now established the contact, when she/they wanted your money.. NTA

museisnotyours − NTA legally but some won't agree morally. It is a d**k move (imho) to meet your blood donor with your hands out.

mild_screaming − Nta.. We refused and they began guilt-tripping him saying that she’s his daughter. No she isn't. She is their daughter. He is a sperm donor and his ex is an egg donor and surrogate. They are not that girls parents. If you want to help pay for her, cool that would be going way above and beyond. But you are not obligated in anyway to be this girls personal bank. Edit: I love auto correct

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kastanienn − NTA. Adoptive parents are her parents, he gave away the rights to parent, when she was born. That goes both ways. If he would've offered from the beginning, then it'd be a different situation, but he didn't.

himit − NAH, but a part of me is saying 'he was only able to achieve so much because these people stepped in and took over his parental responsibilities'. He would not have been able to take risks and build his business if the mother had said no or the couple backed out - at least not without a tonne of extra work.

You can say 'they wanted to adopt' and yes, *isn't he lucky*? He made a mistake and suffered almost zero consequences; he is very lucky for it. I don't fault you for not wanting to contribute and I don't think you have any obligation too,

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but morally I don't think the situation's as clear-cut as you think. There's a large grey area at the very least.. EDIT: Having said that, in his shoes I'd offer to pay off her student loans up to $X if she graduates with a certain GPA. I wouldn't just be handing over the cash.

Sybil__Ramkin − NTA - as an adoptee, I find this weird. Those people I share DNA with are not my parents. I can’t even imagine asking them for anything.. You’re not the a**hole here. Her parents are the assholes for asking.

If you had felt connected in some way and had a good relationship that you had developed over time with her and along the way recognised some financial difficulties for her, you may have felt that you wanted to help. But this situation? No freaking way.. Run.

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These hot takes from Reddit are spicy, but do they hold up in the real world? The crowd seems split between legal clarity and moral gray areas, making this a debate worth dissecting.

This tale of family, money, and boundaries leaves us pondering where obligation begins and ends. The couple’s firm stance protects their hard-earned life, but the guilt trips from family and adoptive parents sting. What would you do if a long-lost relative showed up asking for a hefty financial favor? Share your thoughts—have you faced a similar dilemma, or do you think the couple’s stance is rock-solid or cold-hearted?

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