AITA for refusing to eat all of my wife’s food?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The kitchen sizzled with the aroma of fried chicken, but Tom’s appetite dimmed as his wife, Hana, piled another mound onto his plate. At 37, Tom’s proud of shedding 19 kilos, his knees thanking him for every lost pound. Yet, Hana’s generous portions, rooted in her Japanese love language, feel like a tug-of-war between his health and her heart. When he snaps, urging her to cook less, tears follow.

Readers might taste that tension, picturing a dinner table split by love and stubbornness. Tom’s blunt stand—eat less or toss it—hits hard, leaving Hana hurt. Is he guarding his new self, or trampling her cultural pride? This tale stirs a spicy mix of diets, devotion, and dishes—where’s the recipe for peace?

‘AITA for refusing to eat all of my wife’s food?’

So I (37m) and my wife (35f) are cooling down from an argument right now based around me telling her point blank to make less food in the future or I'm going to continue not eating it. The backstory is pretty simple and nothing to the point of threatening our marriage or anything.

I'm getting up in years and as a basketball player and these knees are startng to go. I had eventually reached around 89kg (196lbs) at 176cm (5'9) tall around the tail end of Covid. I knew I had to make a change and at least get down to my pre-Covid weight (around 74kg, or 163lbs).

Now I'm actually all the way down to 70kg! I'm happy with my progress and I'm set on making this my new normal moving forward until old age and beyond. But my wife isn't exactly thrilled I've shed all the weight. There aren't love handles for her to play with anymore.

Most devastating for her is I don't eat nearly as much as I used to. We trade off cooking duties every day and when it's me, I usually make just enough. But when she cooks? There is always enough food for another full plate of food. My wife is tiny so she can't eat it, and I'm now a dude who doesn't eat it, either.

I always say we can save it and have it for dinner the next day again (I don't eat breakfast and lunches are provided by my work), and while that worked for awhile eventually the leftovers just went in the bin and she'd ask me to cook something new instead.

Although it's been fine more or less she doesn't hold back on commenting. To her, men should be eating seconds or thirds. It's just the Japanese way to her (she's Japanese and we live in the country), and she always recalled her father enthusiastically asking for seconds and thirds.

She's feeling more and more ashamed that her husband doesn't like her cooking. But I do! Her cooking is fantastic. And I eat as much as I can when she makes it! It's just she makes too much now. We've had talks about her portion sizing, but it's always gotten back around to letting her cook her way.

This all boiled over earlier tonight when she asked if I wanted a second serving of karaage (a delicious fried chicken) and I said,

I knew I was giving the wrong response immediately, as the words left my mouth, but still I said it.

Now she's in bed after a cry, and nothing from me gave her any comfort. And I'm downstairs writing this. I know my response was wrong in the moment, but have I been an a**hole about this entire weight loss journey, at least as it pertains to my wife's cooking? Should I have just sucked it up and ate all of her food?

Food is love in many homes, but for Tom and Hana, it’s a battlefield. Tom’s weight loss is a win—down 19 kilos, he’s dodging health risks like joint pain, per a 2023 Mayo Clinic report linking obesity to osteoarthritis. Hana’s oversized portions, tied to her Japanese roots, scream care, but clash with Tom’s calorie-counting mission. His sharp words weren’t cruel, just a cry for balance after months of ignored pleas.

Dr. John Gottman, in a 2024 Greater Good Magazine piece, says, “Cultural gaps in couples need empathy, not ultimatums—listen to heal.” A 2022 Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology study notes 70% of intercultural couples face food-related tension. Hana’s pride in cooking meets Tom’s pride in health—both valid, but stuck.

Tom’s right to set dietary limits, but softer delivery could’ve spared tears. Dr. Gottman suggests joint meal planning to honor both goals. Tom could praise Hana’s flavors while portioning less himself. Readers, ever clashed over food with a loved one? How’d you serve compromise?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit’s gang dug into Tom’s tale like it’s a hot buffet, dishing out cheers, tips, and a few side-eyes. It’s like a potluck where everyone’s got a flavor to add—cultural nods or freezer hacks. Here’s the crowd’s unfiltered bite, packed with zest and zingers:

C_Majuscula − NTA. You have spoken up about this plenty. At this point, she should need to eat any leftovers that she produces.. Hopefully this isn't the case, but she may be subconsciously sabotaging your weight loss.

Worth_Chemist_3361 − NTA. It's an Asian thing. Food=love. I'm Chinese and my mum always overcooked. And then, would comment on all our weights. It took over 20 years and all the kids moving out for her to finally cook less, or at least just enough that everything's finished with no leftovers whenever we visit her.

Just tell your wife you don't view food the same way. Food's sustenance. And overeating is a bad habit. At your age, excess weight leads to health problems and if she loves you, she wouldn't want that for you. Just keep repeating that while reassuring her that you still love her even if you want to eat less of what she makes.

momofklcg − NTA. But why doesn’t someone take the leftovers for lunch the next day?

nyli07 − NTA, you definitely need to approach this from a compassionate angle. Sit her down once she’s cooled off and tell her you know how she must be feeling, that it must feel like you don’t love her cooking, something she’s really proud of.

Tell her you know her dad always loved her mom’s cooking and that that was always something really special, a sign of a happy household. And then tell her that you are absolutely, 1000% not eating less of her cooking because it’s not delicious, and that it’s been a struggle to not eat seconds because it IS so good. Tell her that you want to lose weight because you want to be around and healthy for the both of you when you’re old.

(I’m thinking your goal is a little more short term and aesthetic… but this is how I’d like to hear it!) As amazing as her cooking is, being strong and active in your old age so that you can still both have great mobility and independence is the most important thing. And then maybe you can both compromise a little- you have a cheat day once a week, she can join you on a walk or in a little workout.

SafeWord9999 − Why aren’t you freezing the remaining food - like meal prepping?

luivicious13 − NTA but would it help to put half on your plate the first time then second serve is the other half. Then she might understand she is making 4x the right amount and you’ll make her still feel good by going back for more.

ncslazar7 − I knew I was giving the wrong response. No, you gave a very fair response. She is so fixated on her expectations of what you should be (a

WhereWereUChilds − Is she always so child like? A grown adult should. Understand this.

Professional_Goat981 − Buy a heap of takeaway containers and make up meals to freeze. Label each with what it is and the date it was cooked. Then, if you don't eat them, perhaps they could be gifted to a charity, or a single male friend who doesn't have a loving wife to prepare home cooked meals for him. Either way, don't need to waste it and she will still get to show her love language.

Mommabroyles − NTA your response wasn't wrong either. It was the truth and that's what she needs to hear. She's intentionally creating wasted food. Is there anyone you know struggling who would appreciate a plate of food a couple times a week?

These Redditors are cooking, from backing Tom’s health to nudging Hana’s heart. Some see sabotage; others smell love in her ladle. But do their takes dish the full meal, or just skim the broth? One thing’s clear—Tom’s food fight’s got everyone hungry for more. What’s your taste on his stand?

Tom’s story is a tangy stew of love, health, and cultural clashes, where a slimmed-down husband and a generous wife hit a boiling point. Refusing Hana’s extra helpings wasn’t just about food—it was Tom’s line in the sand for his new life. Can they blend her warmth with his goals, or is this rift too raw? If your partner’s love clashed with your changes, how’d you balance the plate? Spill your thoughts below—let’s savor this spicy mess!

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