AITA for refusing to clean the bed and causing my husband to sleep on the floor?

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The clock struck 2 a.m., and a shout pierced the night—not for help, but for a cleanup. A 34-year-old Reddit user, caregiver to her heart-condition-stricken husband, faced yet another bed-wetting mess he refused to prevent with diapers or a catheter. Exhausted from over 40 midnight cleanups, she stayed on the couch, leaving him to sleep on the floor. His fury and accusations of heartlessness followed, but was she wrong to draw a line?

This AITA post lays bare the strain of spousal caregiving and the battle over dignity versus duty. Reddit’s rallying behind the OP, but is her husband’s pride a fair excuse? Let’s dive into this messy saga, where love, health, and boundaries collide.

‘AITA for refusing to clean the bed and causing my husband to sleep on the floor?’

A medical condition turned a marriage into a caregiving marathon, but one night, the OP hit her limit. Here’s the Reddit user’s story in their own words:

My f34 husband m32 has a medical condition (heart problems) and we sleep separately, he sleeps in the bedroom while I am on the couch. He's become partially reliant on me to care for him wether it be cleaning, cooking for him, supervising his medication intake and managing side effects.

He's on a number of medications and one of them causes excessive urination (it is essentially to treat the swelling of his feet and abdomen) as a result he urines a lot which's an issue cause he just keeps wetting the bed. Previoysly, he was catheterized so I didn't worry about the bed wetting issue.

But he went against the doctor's recommendation and had the catheter taken out and the problem of him wetting the bed started. As a reasonable alternative to taking the catheter out, adult diapers had been recommended but he was 100% against it. We had arguments about it cause it wasn't like he had an allergy preventing him from using diapers.

He promised he'd be careful but every time he'd end up wetting the bed and expecting me to clean it, clean everything the sheets, the mattress, the floor even. So far I've cleaned the bed for over 40+ times middle of the night and he still said no whenever I urge him to just wear diapers.

It all came to head nights ago, he woke me up shouting from the bedroom that he wet the bed again and needed me to get up and clean it right then, I'm talking 2am!. I expected that and was maddened so I ignored him and remained sleeping. He kept shouting demanding I come clean up then started calling my phone but I turned it off.

I got up at 6, found him sleeping on the floor on a spare mattress and the bed was a mess, he woke up and blew up at me calling me n**ty and heartless for not rushing to help and clean up the bed for him after he wetted it. I stated that it was his fault for refusing to wear diapers after willingly removing the catheter.

He yelled saying the catheter thing caused him suffering, then said he'd never wear diapers cause of his 'hurt ego' and 'manhood', also said I had a job and I neglected it and acted petty by punishing him this way and causing him to sleep on the floor.

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I said I was done doing unnecessary chore in the middle of nigh almost every night when he could just use diapers, he was astonished by what I said and called me a monster for enjoying his suffering like that then got SIL to come give me a stern talk about my attitude towards her brother cause her brother' is helpless.AITA?

This bed-wetting battle exposes the crushing weight of spousal caregiving when boundaries blur. The OP’s husband, managing a heart condition, prioritizes his “manhood” over practical solutions like diapers, leaving his wife to handle the fallout—literally. Her refusal to clean at 2 a.m. was a stand for self-preservation, not cruelty, while his entitlement and verbal attacks signal deeper issues in their dynamic.

Dr. Barry J. Jacobs, a caregiving psychologist, notes, “Caregivers risk burnout when patients resist solutions that ease the burden, especially without mutual respect” (Source). The husband’s rejection of medical advice (catheter removal, no diapers) shifts undue labor onto the OP, who’s already sacrificing by sleeping on the couch. A 2023 Journal of Family Psychology study found that 65% of spousal caregivers report strain when partners refuse adaptive measures, often leading to resentment (Source).

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This ties to broader issues of gender roles and caregiving expectations. The husband’s “ego” excuse reflects societal pressures, but his reliance on OP as a “nurse” dismisses her well-being. Advice: The OP should set firm boundaries, saying, “I can’t keep cleaning at night; you need to use diapers or handle it yourself.” Exploring options like brolly sheets or a continence nurse, as Reddit suggests, could help. Couples therapy might address his resistance and her burnout. The sister-in-law should be invited to assist if she’s critical.

See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit poured out raw support, tossing sharp takes on this caregiving crisis. Here’s what the community had to say about the OP’s stand:

Allaboutbird − NTA. Adult diapers hurt his ego but peeing all over the bed 40 times and waking his wife to clean it up doesn't? Girl, you're sleeping on the couch and cleaning up his pee. You're basically an unpaid night nurse. Make some clear boundaries to make life easier for yourself. Incontinence undergarments at night or he figures out how to clean it himself.

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[Reddit User] − NTA. I’m also a spousal caregiver. Being a spousal caregiver is SO hard. No this isn’t your fault. This is on him. He needs to wear the depends, period. If he won’t use a catheter then that’s his option. You dealing with late night bed wetting isn’t sustainable. Especially while his entitled ass screams at you.

It’s soul-crushing and I’m so sorry.. If he has to be on that med, this is the consequence. Stick to your guns here. “Manhood and ego” are now his excuse for what in our circle is classified as spousal abuse. You’re young, you don’t have to take this. Don’t let him treat you this way for the next 20 years.

Edit to add: their families will love laying blame on you while feeding their entitlement. But they will NEVER ever help you with his care. It’s so typical.. There’s a great Facebook group for Wellspouses, look us up. You’ll find understanding there.

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RafRafRafRaf − NTA - but seriously, he needs to see a continence nurse and actually work on this s**t a little. 1. A urinal bottle at the bedside is a little unappealing but much less gross than pissing in the bed.

2. A urinary sheath (also called a ‘condom catheter’ or Texas catheter) may be an option which is neither invasive nor an incontinence pad: it’s worn like a condom, tube to a drainage bag, job’s a good’un. 3. There’s also now very absorbent actual underwear (not incontinence pads) out there, which some folks may prefer, as it looks and feels ‘normal’.

4. Needing to pee often makes sense but he shouldn’t be caught out by or unable to control it - there’s nothing wrong with his nerves or physical control of the bladder - so that’s concerning and needs looking into. 5. Look into ‘brolly sheets’, waterproof sheets you can layer up and just peel off when wet. They don’t feel plasticky.

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Those along with a large absorbent ‘bed pad’ down on the floor and he may be able to manage the middle of the night crises on his own, generates some laundry but probably a good trade for urgent bed changes. 6. It sounds like he should be employing some sort of personal care assistant (or aide to my American friends) - and doing so may well vastly improve both of your lives.

mademoiselletal − NTA: you do everything for him and he doesn’t even try to make it easy for you. The catheter was taken out against advise, he doesn’t use adult diapers against advise. He is making it all hard for you. Let’s hope he will learn from this and starts to use diapers or the catheter in again.

involuntary_cynic − Sounds like a holiday at his sister's is in order. Without you. See if she still feels the same about his 'helplessness' when she's mopping up after him.. NTA.

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MinimumGovernment161 − Diapers hurts his manhood but peeing the bed like a toddler doesn't? 🤷. You are his wife, not his home health nurse. NTA.

PetiteGardener144 − NTA. Leave him. Tell him to hire a nurse. Sick or not, he doesn't give a f**k about you. You are his live in slave.

Yui_Ma − NTA. And also, not a hostage. If he can get out a spare mattress he can clean up his own mess. And, frankly, it sounds like he needs a taste of cleaning up after himself. Diapers may be humiliating. But, the real problem here is a diuretic that's too strong. I find it difficult to believe that his doctor hasn't gotten involved in addressing this situation.

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What time of day is he taking this diuretic? Is he avoiding liquids a few hours before bed? Has he actually discussed the bedwetting with his physician? Has anyone recommended chucks? Marriage is for better or for worse, but getting up in the middle of the night to clean up a mess like that every night is not a long-term strategy.

Kris82868 − Is he capable of putting on and changing his own diaper? If it's a pride thing that seems to me much less an issue than having to call attention to an accident.

CalmFront7908 − NTA, I’m confused on one point though? Why does he have to wet the bed? I understand the medicine flushes out water and makes him urinate more, but he doesn’t know he needs to go? He can’t walk? What does he do during the day? Also, why can’t he clean his own bed?

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These Reddit zingers slam the husband’s choices, but do they miss his medical struggles? Is the OP’s refusal a wake-up call or too harsh?

This midnight mess of a marriage spills over with the strain of caregiving, pride, and unspoken limits. The OP’s refusal to clean her husband’s bed again drew a line against exhaustion, earning Reddit’s applause but her husband’s wrath. Was she heartless, or was his refusal to adapt the real issue? Have you faced a caregiving breaking point? What would you do to balance love and self-care? Drop your thoughts below and keep the convo flowing!

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