AITA for refusing to attend my sister’s wedding – or give a gift – after she invited my ex but excluded my wife?

Jonathan Hours
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In a cozy family home, where framed photos of past gatherings line the walls, a wedding invitation arrives, but it carries a sting sharper than a paper cut. A woman, caught in the glow of her own happy marriage, faces a gut-punch: her sister’s upcoming nuptials exclude her wife, while her ex-girlfriend from years past secures a coveted spot on the guest list. The air thickens with hurt and disbelief, as family ties strain under the weight of this bold choice.

What does it mean to honor family when respect feels one-sided? The woman’s decision to skip the wedding—and withhold a gift—ignites a firestorm of opinions, from her sister’s accusations of pettiness to her parents’ pleas for peace. This tale of loyalty, boundaries, and wedding drama pulls us into a world where love and resentment dance an uneasy tango, leaving readers to wonder: who’s really crossing the line here?

‘AITA for refusing to attend my sister’s wedding – or give a gift – after she invited my ex but excluded my wife?’

My (32F) sister (28F) is getting married in a few weeks. She recently sent out the official invites, and while I was included, my wife (30F) was not. When I asked about it, my sister told me the decision was intentional. She said she wants her wedding to be “as peaceful as possible” and that she doesn’t feel comfortable having my wife there. For context: my wife and sister have never gotten along particularly well.

There’s no major incident or explosive history—just mutual dislike and a few passive-aggressive exchanges over the years. That said, my wife has always been respectful at family gatherings, and I’ve never seen her act out. What makes this worse, though, is that my ex-girlfriend (whom I dated for four years before meeting my wife) is invited.

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My sister remained friends with her after we broke up six years ago. I didn’t love it, but I never made an issue of it. Still, it’s incredibly hurtful to see that my sister would rather include someone from my past—someone I haven’t spoken to in years—over the person I’ve chosen to build a life with.

I told my sister that I wasn’t comfortable attending under these circumstances and that I wouldn’t be sending a wedding gift either. I said if she doesn’t recognize my wife as part of the family, then she shouldn’t expect me to play along with the celebration as if everything is fine. She accused me of being petty and trying to punish her for “setting boundaries.”

My parents have since called to say I’m overreacting and that I should “just go and keep the peace.” To me, this feels like more than a disagreement—it feels like a fundamental lack of respect for my marriage. But the family seems to think I’m making it about me. AITA for refusing to attend the wedding and declining to give a gift because of how my wife has been treated?

Weddings are meant to celebrate love, but this sister’s guest list feels more like a battle line drawn in the sand. The deliberate exclusion of a spouse, while inviting an ex, isn’t just a snub—it’s a public statement about whose relationships matter. The woman’s refusal to attend reflects a stand for her marriage, but it also highlights a deeper rift in family respect.

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Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Respect and trust are the foundation of any lasting bond, whether between spouses or siblings” (The Gottman Institute). Here, the sister’s choice to prioritize her comfort over her sibling’s marriage undermines that foundation. The woman’s hurt stems from a clear message: her wife, and thus her vows, aren’t valued. Meanwhile, the sister’s defense of “boundaries” rings hollow when her actions disrespect another’s.

This situation mirrors broader issues of family dynamics, where favoritism can fracture bonds. A 2021 study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that perceived favoritism among siblings often leads to long-term estrangement (APA PsycNet). The sister’s insistence on inviting the ex, while excluding the wife, amplifies this tension, suggesting a preference rooted in personal bias rather than fairness.

For the woman, standing firm is a way to protect her marriage’s dignity. Experts suggest open communication as a first step—perhaps a calm letter outlining her feelings—but if the sister remains dismissive, distancing may be healthier.

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Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit’s finest didn’t hold back, dishing out wit and wisdom on this wedding debacle. Here’s a peek at the community’s candid takes—brace for some spicy opinions!

coral225 − Nta. lemme guess: your ex is single?

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Stranger0nReddit − My parents have since called to say I’m overreacting and that I should “just go and keep the peace.” and your sister could have kept the peace by including your wife with the notion that it would be incredibly unlikely for your wife to cause problems at the wedding. NTA. This isn't really about your ex being invited, if that's her friend it makes sense she would include her.

The deliberate snub to your wife though, that's the issue. She is making an active choice to divide the family over what sounds like some superficial dislike for your wife. Unless you've left something out where your wife caused some kind of crazy drama, your sister is being incredibly immature.

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I wouldn't attend either. FWIW, my BIL have conflicting personalities and neither of us really like each other, but we include each other in everything and we are nice to each other because it's just not worth the energy and drama to do anything else.

FacetiousTomato − Info; Your sister remained friends with your ex - was she friends with your ex *before* your relationship? Like is this a *best* friend of hers? Also how large a wedding? If we're talking 12 people, I can see inviting a best friend and not an Inlaw - particularly if we have a known dislike for each other.. Otherwise as written, NTA

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Away-Understanding34 − NTA at all....'My parents have since called to say I’m overreacting and that I should “just go and keep the peace.” - why aren't your parents insisting on your wife being included and that your sister keep the peace? You are right. Your sister is disrespecting your marriage. She's seriously going to stand up and make vows to her partner but not respect the vows you made to yours? Don't go. Do something fun with your wife that day. 

celticmusebooks − RSVP a sound NO and tell your parents that 'keeping the peace' is a two way street and they need to speak to your sister about correct wedding etiquette. DO send your sister a wedding gift-- a book on etiquette (Emily Post, Miss Manners, or Etiquette for Dummies are all good choices). Take your wife somewhere AMAZING on the day of the wedding and post tons of pics. Caption them 'nothing important going on so we're taking advantage with an all day date!'

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cascadia1979 − NTA. A wedding invitation is never a summons and that is especially true here. Your sister refusing to invite your wife is incredibly disrespectful to you and you have every right to decline the invitation on that basis alone.

The fact that your ex is going makes it even more justified - your sister has every right to invite your ex because they are friends, but when your own wife is excluded, inviting the ex does seem like piling on. . This situation is not your fault. It’s your sister’s. You’re no a**hole for refusing a disrespectful invite. 

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Jenk1972 − I would bet money that the seating chart for the reception puts you right next to your ex. Not only would I not go, I would make sure anyone who asked why I wasn't attending knew that my sister was trying to actively disrespect my marriage and my wife in general.

The fact your parents want you to just do what your sister wants, would honestly make me rethink how deep of a relationship I could have with them going forward as well. Short of your wife being an absolute t**ror to everyone in your family, the disrespect of your marriage is unforgivable at this point.

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Tall-Candy9061 − Its laughable that she wants you to respect her boundaries but is so comfortably walking all over yours. You do not invite married couples, if you do not want to invite both of them. Nta also thank you for having a spine and not just accepting the disrespect towards your wife.

cottonmercer666 − NTA. Your sister and family? TA. First, you made vows/promises to your wife, not your sister or parents. Once you and your wife walked out of the church or away from a Justice of the Peace, you become spouses who should have each other's back. Good onya for putting your spouse first. Boundaries are funny things.

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Your sister has set hers: Your wife isn't invited, and your parents are onboard with it. M'kay. Odd how your own boundaries regarding your spouse are demeaned and minimized by those same people because it hurts your sisters feelings. Shame on your parents for forcing you to exclude your life partner to keep the peace.

The guest list. You sister has the right to invite whomever she wants. However, I find it odd that with all of the people present (100 people is a lot), she thinks your wife's mere presence will ruin her day. Especially when, according to you, your wife while not getting along with your sister, hasn't acted out at family gatherings.. has your sister been this petty throughout your lives?

chicagoliz − Man, RedditWorld is weird. I am amazed to see there are SO many people who will intentionally not invite someone's spouse to a wedding. Couples are a package deal. You either invite both or neither. Intentionally excluding the spouse is a provocative act, designed to cause an incident -- this is often a relationship-ender since the person shows absolutely no respect to the guest or their spouse.

It's stating that they are not important to them. And it's super weird for a person to attend an event like a wedding without their spouse (unless the spouse was invited but there was some circumstance that legitimately prevented the spouse from attending). So, no, NTA. You should not attend nor give a gift. Your sister is ending this relationship with you. Minimize contact with her because she is clearly toxic.

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(The inviting of your ex-girlfriend isn't super relevant since your sister has retained an independent friendship with her. That really shouldn't have anything to do with you. But if the ex gf and your sister are concocting some scheme to try to get you back together, then that is really a bright, shining red flag that you would need to stay away from and really would need to avoid contact with your toxic sister.)

Are these Reddit hot takes the ultimate truth, or just popcorn-worthy drama? One thing’s clear: the internet has no chill when family boundaries get messy.

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This wedding saga leaves us pondering the delicate dance of family loyalty and personal boundaries. The woman’s choice to skip her sister’s big day isn’t just about a guest list—it’s a stand for respect, love, and the vows she holds dear. Yet, the family’s push for “peace” raises questions about whose feelings should take center stage. What would you do if caught in this tangle of hurt and principle? Share your thoughts, experiences, or even your own family drama in the comments—let’s keep this conversation rolling!

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