AITA for refusing to attend my best friend’s wedding after she tried to steal my fiancé?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The bond of best friendship is often described as unbreakable, a sisterhood forged through shared experiences and unwavering support. But what happens when that sacred trust is shattered by an act of betrayal so profound it feels like a storyline ripped from a daytime drama? For one woman, this became her harsh reality when her closest confidante, her “sister soulmate” of over a decade, made a move on the person she was about to marry.

The ensuing emotional whirlwind left her questioning everything she thought she knew about their friendship and facing an impossible decision: stand by her betrayer on her wedding day or walk away from a relationship that now felt irrevocably damaged.

The audacity of the request to be maid of honor after such a deep violation of trust has left the Reddit user reeling and seeking validation for her decision to decline. While some mutual friends are urging forgiveness for the sake of their shared history, the bride-to-be can’t shake the feeling of disrespect and the lingering question of whether she’s overreacting to what her friend dismisses as a “small” indiscretion. This tale from the AITA forum dives into the complexities of friendship, loyalty, and the gut-wrenching pain of betrayal by those we hold dearest.

‘AITA for refusing to attend my best friend’s wedding after she tried to steal my fiancé?’

Okay, this might sound like something out of a soap opera, but I swear, it’s all true, and I need advice. I (28F) have been best friends with Shelby (29F) for over 10 years. We met in college and hit it off right away. We have been inseparable ever since. Haven’t gone more than 3 days without hanging out.

This is my sister soulmate. We’ve been through so much together… boyfriends, breakups, career changes, you name it. She’s been my absolute best friend, and I thought the world of her. I’m getting married to Ethan (29M) this summer in July, and I’m really excited, but here’s where things get messy.

Some months ago, Shelby and I were out for drinks, and we started talking about relationships (as we do). I’ve always been open with Shelby about Ethan and how much I love him. He’s honestly my other half, and we’ve been dating for 4 years, and we’re really solid. No issues.

But out of literal nowhere, Shelby started asking weirdly personal questions about him… like details about our s** life, our future plans, how often we argue, etc. At first, I thought it was just typical curiosity or girl talk, so I answered her questions, thinking it was no big deal.

Then things started getting more uncomfortable. Shelby started slowly texting me a lot more about Ethan, asking about his plans, where he’d be, what he was up to, even things like

When we returned, I found out that Shelby had sent Ethan a very flirtatious text. He showed it to me, clearly uncomfortable but unsure how to handle it. She was commenting on how “handsome” he looked in a recent photo I posted, and how she was “thinking of him lately.” Ethan told me he immediately ignored it, but it still didn’t sit right with me.

I decided to confront her about it. When I asked her about the text, she became super defensive and claimed it was “just a joke” and that she “wasn’t trying anything.” She told me she was just “complimenting him” and insisted she had no bad intentions. At the time, I chose to believe her, but I was uneasy.

This has never happened before. Never showed interest in Ethan over the years, I never even knew he was her type. So I brushed it off. A few weeks later, Shelby invited me to a casual hangout at her place with multiple friends. I arrived, and I bring Ethan too. We are all taking shots, listening to music and playing drunken games.

A few hours go by, I see Ethan walk back into the house looking uneasy and said he’d was smoking outside when he ran into Shelby and ended up having an “awkward conversation.” He said Shelby had been “very touchy” with him, asking him personal questions, talking about how “strong” he looked in a picture he posted on Instagram.

He told me he was uncomfortable, but didn’t want to say anything to me in the moment because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings or make me emotional at the kickback. Touching?? At this point, I was really furious, so I confronted Shelby the next morning. After hours of crying and multiple lies, she admitted that she had been developing small feelings for Ethan but claimed she never planned to act on them.

She tried to gaslight me saying they were intrusive thoughts she couldn’t control. She apologized and said she was just going through some “emotional stuff” and wasn’t thinking straight. She told me she “loved me like a sister” and would never do anything to hurt me. I was crushed. This wasn’t some small mistake; this was a betrayal of the highest order.

My best friend, someone who I trusted with everything, my life almost, was harboring feelings for my fiancé and had been acting on them, whether she realized it or not. All this time. Was she plotting on me for years? That she could “steal my man”? How could I not see her being a snake?

Shelby was always boy crazy, but never did I think she would ever try anything with Ethan. We are each other number 1 best friend, how could she think to do this to me? I told her I needed some space from her. She begged me not to end our friendship over “something so small.”

But I couldn’t shake the feeling of complete betrayal. I’ve always been the one who supported her through her struggles, but now I’m left questioning if she even respected our friendship in the first place. I don’t have many close friends, so I valued this friendship deeply. So deeply, I was naive enough to forgive her.

We still text awkwardly, but it’s clear we aren’t as close. I don’t know why I’m still nice enough to keep holding on. But here’s the kicker: She’s now getting married to someone else (someone she’s been dating on and off for years), and her wedding is in 8 months.

She texted me a few weeks ago, asking me to be her Maid of Honor. I was floored. After everything that’s happened, she still expects me to stand by her on such a monumental day of her life, like nothing happened? Just forget it, right? I told her I couldn’t do it. I finally said I couldn’t support someone who tried to sabotage my relationship.

She called me “sensitive” and a “bad friend” and said I was “overreacting” and that she “would never do anything to intentionally hurt me.” Now she’s telling our collegiate mutual friends that I’m being selfish, and of course some of them are taking her side, saying I should forgive her and move on for the sake of our long friendship and friends like these aren’t easy to come by.

But I just can’t. I’ve never felt so disrespected in my life. But I’m torn. No one cheated, so am I really overreacting? AITA for refusing to be in her wedding and ending the friendship after everything that happened over what seemed so small and careless?

The scenario presented in this Reddit post is a stark reminder that even the closest of friendships can be tested by the unpredictable currents of human emotion and desire. The best friend’s actions undeniably crossed a significant boundary, venturing into territory that could have irrevocably damaged the OP’s relationship with her fiancé.

This situation underscores the importance of clearly defined boundaries in all relationships, and the profound impact of betraying trust, especially within a close friendship. As Dr. Brené Brown, a renowned researcher on vulnerability and trust, states in her book “Braving the Wilderness,” “Trust is built in small moments.” Conversely, trust can be broken in significant ones, as clearly demonstrated here.

The best friend’s initial denial and subsequent attempts to downplay her actions as “just a joke” or “intrusive thoughts” are classic examples of minimizing behavior. This lack of full accountability further erodes the trust that was already fractured. Her expectation that the OP would simply brush aside her advances towards the fiancé and stand as maid of honor reveals a significant disconnect in their understanding of the situation’s gravity.

This highlights a potential issue of empathy and a lack of understanding regarding the hurt and disrespect the OP must be feeling. The pressure from mutual friends to forgive and move on adds another layer of complexity to the situation. While forgiveness can be a powerful tool for healing, it is a personal choice and should not be dictated by external pressures. The OP has every right to prioritize her own emotional well-being and the security of her relationship with her fiancé.

As Dr. Harriet Lerner, a noted psychologist and author, advises in her work on difficult conversations, “When we apologize, we should mean it, and our words should reflect an understanding of the other person’s pain.” In this case, the best friend’s apology seems to fall short of truly acknowledging the depth of her betrayal.

Ultimately, the OP’s decision to decline the maid of honor role and create space in the friendship is a healthy boundary to set. Protecting her relationship and her own emotional well-being should be her priority. While the loss of a long-term friendship is undoubtedly painful, the foundation of that friendship has been severely shaken. It is up to the best friend to take responsibility for her actions and demonstrate genuine remorse if she hopes to ever rebuild trust. The OP is not obligated to pretend that nothing happened, and her feelings of hurt and disrespect are entirely valid.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Let’s see what the ever-insightful (and often hilariously blunt) voices of the Reddit community had to say about this thorny situation. The overwhelming consensus is a resounding “NTA” aimed squarely at the OP, with many expressing disbelief at the best friend’s audacity in even asking her to be maid of honor.

The comments are filled with strong affirmations of the OP’s right to protect her relationship and sever ties with someone who so clearly betrayed her trust. Many Redditors are questioning the sanity of the best friend and urging the OP to prioritize her own happiness and the stability of her engagement over a friendship that has proven to be unreliable and potentially damaging.

StickAndProud − **NTA.** She crossed serious boundaries with your fiancé and betrayed your trust. Asking you to be her Maid of Honor after that is disrespectful. You have every right to set boundaries and protect your relationship.

knowsaboutit − NTA no one cheated?? well, if you go by the 'l**t in the heart' theory, she sure did. She tried her best, it sounds like! The only reason she didn't doesn't have anything to do with her, but was because your bf is loyal to you. Be true to your feelings, don't let her gaslight you!!

artofconfrontation − Trust your gut. She may love you, but she would have ruined your life if your fiancé gave her the chance.

Lazuli_Rose − NTA. Tell them once she has hit on their significant other and they forgive her, you'll follow suit.. This friendship is over. She tried her damnedest to get with your fiance. Just let it die.

Tasty_Doughnut_9226 − Nta and she isn't a friend. And you should ask those other friends if they'd appreciate her making a move on their partner!

CAgirl17 − NTA, but I’m questioning why you’re still friends with her? A true friend wouldn’t try to steal your fiancé from you, and you know she would have acted on it if your fiancé had played into it. I also think it’s pretty disrespectful to your fiancé to continue this friendship.

He’s likely very uncomfortable being around your friend now as she’s made unwanted advances towards him twice. He sounds like a good guy, and I think she needs to be cut out from both of your lives so this doesn’t breed resentment in your relationship. She’s toxic.

Bonnm42 − NTA I would tell her “It’s rich you calling me a bad friend. The only reason you are sorry is because you were caught when my Fiancé told me. You said you would never act on it, but you did. The only reason it didn’t happen is because my Fiancé wants nothing to do with you.

If you got your way, my Fiancé would have left me for my best friend. You are a horrible friend and a horrible person.” As for the friends who are taking her side, they are hypocrites. If she had did to them, what she did to you, they would want nothing to do with her. Cut them out too.

Icy-Mix-6550 − NTA!!!. *She told me she “loved me like a sister” and would never do anything to hurt me.* That is a lie. My

excital − Obvious, obvious AI post. F**k off with this fake trash.

[Reddit User] − Anytime I read verbose nonsense such as this:.  

This Reddit tale serves as a potent reminder that betrayal can come from the most unexpected places, even from those we consider our closest allies. The OP’s dilemma of whether to forgive a deep transgression for the sake of a long-standing friendship is one many can empathize with. However, the added layer of being asked to participate so intimately in the betrayer’s own wedding adds a unique sting to the situation.

Was the OP right to refuse the maid of honor role and distance herself from this friendship? Are the mutual friends justified in pressuring her to forgive and forget? What boundaries would you set in this situation, and how would you navigate the complex emotions involved? Share your thoughts and insights below.

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