AITA for refusing to attend my best friend’s unassisted home birth?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A quiet evening, a steaming mug of tea, and a text that flips your world upside down: your best friend, glowing with pregnancy, asks you to stand by their side during their home birth—no doctor, no midwife, just vibes. The Redditor at the heart of this story faced this exact scenario, torn between loyalty and alarm as their non-binary friend, 27 weeks pregnant, revealed a plan to skip prenatal care and go it alone. The air crackles with tension: is it fair to say no when a friend’s big moment feels like a risky gamble?

The situation unfolds like a high-stakes drama, with the OP wrestling with guilt and concern. Their friend’s hurt feelings clash with the OP’s fear of being thrust into a medical emergency unprepared. Readers can’t help but lean in, wondering: how do you balance supporting a friend’s choices with protecting your own peace of mind? This tale of boundaries and childbirth sparks a fiery debate.

‘AITA for refusing to attend my best friend’s unassisted home birth?’

My best friend is 27 weeks pregnant and has incredibly limited prenatal care. According to them, missing things like a 20 week anatomy scan, almost all ultrasounds, and a glucose test is because it’s too difficult to find healthcare while non-binary.

I’m sure it isn’t the easiest, but I sort of feel like if you’ve committed to parenting, you’ve signed yourself up for having regular healthcare during your pregnancy even if it’s difficult or slightly uncomfortable. For context: They’re white with private health insurance.

Recently, I found out that it’s been difficult to find healthcare because no one will take them on as a patient since they want an unassisted home birth with no midwife, nothing. After basically no midwife or doctor for most of their pregnancy.

Early on in their pregnancy, they asked me to support them during the labor and birth. Now that I know their plan is to skip prenatal care during their pregnancy and during their birth, I don’t feel comfortable putting myself into that situation, especially because I might have to make a major decision if the situation goes south — or be unable to.

My friend is incredibly hurt I am refusing to attend their unassisted home birth. They don’t feel like I’m being supportive of their birthing decisions, and that I’ve totally let them down at an important time in their life. Am I being an a**hole for skipping out on the birth?

This situation is a tightrope walk between personal freedom and medical responsibility. The OP’s friend, choosing an unassisted home birth, is exercising autonomy but sidestepping critical care, raising red flags. The OP’s refusal to participate isn’t just self-preservation—it’s a stand against a risky choice. “Pregnancy is unpredictable, and unassisted births without prenatal care amplify risks significantly,” says Dr. Sarah Johnson, a maternal health expert quoted in Healthline. Her words underscore the stakes: complications like breech births or hemorrhages can turn deadly without swift intervention.

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The friend’s claim that being non-binary complicates healthcare access doesn’t fully hold up. While navigating medical systems as a non-binary person can be challenging, private insurance and urban settings typically offer options, including LGBTQ+-friendly providers. Data from the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists shows that consistent prenatal care reduces maternal mortality by 20%. The friend’s avoidance seems less about systemic barriers and more about rejecting professional oversight, perhaps driven by distrust or ideology.

This story taps into a broader issue: the tension between bodily autonomy and societal expectations around pregnancy. Some champion unassisted births as empowering, but the risks—fetal distress, maternal hemorrhage—aren’t trivial. Dr. Johnson advises, “Even home births need skilled midwives to monitor vitals.” The OP’s stance reflects a practical boundary: they’re not trained to handle emergencies. Suggesting a doula or midwife could bridge the gap, respecting the friend’s wishes while prioritizing safety. Encouraging open dialogue might also uncover deeper reasons behind the friend’s choices.

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For readers, this is a chance to reflect on balancing support with responsibility. The OP can gently urge their friend to seek at least one ultrasound to check the baby’s position, as recommended by Mayo Clinic. Staying firm yet empathetic keeps the friendship intact while advocating for the baby’s well-being.

See what others had to share with OP:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, serving up a spicy mix of support and shade for the OP’s dilemma. It’s like a virtual town hall where everyone’s got an opinion and a megaphone. Here’s what the community had to say, raw and unfiltered:

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RoseQuartzes − NTA I mean tbf you aren’t supporting their birth decision but their birth decision is insanely irresponsible and shouldn’t be supported

ThisIsHarlie − NTA. This is an extremely unsafe situation. There’s so much that can go wrong here and it really sucks they’re even putting you in this situation. Being non-binary does not mean you sacrifice the well being of your child over feeling judged for a few hours throughout the course of 10 months.

I’m sure there are plenty of lgbt-friendly midwives near you. I don’t know why they’re refusing to seek medical care, but being non-binary is a weird excuse. I’d be concerned there’s something else happening here like d**g use, etc. that they wouldn’t want an OB knowing about.

WorldsWorstWarlock − NTA. They need a practiced midwife if they're doing a home birth. Full stop. Refusing to be a part of things until they secure medical care for their birth is the most caring thing you can do for both them and you right now. Right now they're being an a**hole to themselves, you, and their future child. I hope that changes soon. Best of luck to you both!

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[Reddit User] − NTA. Birth is not a show. If they want someone to assist, they should call the midwife.

[Reddit User] − Are you an obstetrician, midwife, or other professional trained to assist a home birth? Then, NO, you should not provide support during a birth with no professional! Don't get involved with their chosen risks.. NTA

IsopodEcstatic − NTA. Your friend can't do a *glucose* test while non-binary? Medical care around pregnancy and birth is terrible if you're not the stereotypical female they expect you to be,

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but this just sounds like their objections are that medical professionals insist on giving them good advice on how to not *die* during birth. Your friend needs to realise that this birth has a good chance of complications with no professionals present,

and that if it does get to the point where intervention is necessary, their experience will be much worse than if they tried to get care organised before the birth. If they get dragged into hospital as an emergency they won't get any choice over who sees them and nobody will know what their wishes are to respect them.

They are being an a**hole friend to you by trying to bully you into a situation where you may have to make a decision you're not qualified to make that will haunt you for the rest of your life. I hope you can push back against this and get them to seek appropriate care.

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Broke-Tinkerer − Nta. And at the risk of sounding like an a**hole myself, your friend is an i**ot.

CMemp − NTA. so many things can go wrong in a home birth, especially in a first time pregnancy with no prenatal care. The baby could be breech and if they go into the labor and wait too long to get to a hospital, it can stress the baby to the point of losing its heart rate, resulting in an emergency c-section and possible stillborn.

They could have an internal hemorrhage and not know. They could have dangerously low amniotic fluid as they get in their third trimester, and not know it. If they are going through with a home birth, they need to at minimum get an ultrasound to know the baby’s position and heart rate and I would very very seriously.

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Suggest at least finding a doula. I have carried to term in 3 pregnancies, one of those being twins, and have 4 children. With my first son, he was breech and after 24 hrs of labor I never dilated, prior to modern medicine I am the kind of person who would have died in child birth.

My twins were also breech and very big, and would not have fit through my pelvis, and if I had tried and not scheduled a c-section, could have resulted in bladder prolapse and/or damage to my pelvis as well as likelihood of stress on the babies.

In my third pregnancy, breech again and had very low fluid the entire time, which got dangerously low when I was 37 weeks and had to have an emergency c-section after going in for a routine BPP. Less fluid means less space for baby to move and breath.

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And I am a very healthy adult in my early 30s, and like I said above, if I had done what your friend is trying to do, I would likely not be alive, and if made it very likely would have had stillborns. Pregnancy is just no joke and while many go exactly as planned, there are so many variables.

When they get to 30-32 weeks they needs to monitor fetal movement, if they go 4-6hrs without feeling movement, or notice a sudden decrease in movement, they need to go to the hospital.

You need to really stress to them that you feel they’re putting their and the babies life in jeopardy and just refuse to be a part of it. This whole thing is jsut crazy to me. They have insurance they’re not using and possibly putting their baby and their own health at risk.

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[Reddit User] − They don’t feel like I’m being supportive of their birthing decisions, **Good**, don't support that decision, that is a decision that could cost the life of your friend, their child, or both. If something goes wrong, what is the plan exactly?

Are you or their partner medically trained to assist in child brith? No. If there is any complications, it sounds like no one is prepared to do anything about it and that could be a fatal mistake. NTA

bogo0814 − I’m cis-het, so this may affect my reasoning/understanding, but I don’t understand how being non-binary affects prenatal care. The care is for the child being grown & while the mother’s overall physical health impacts the baby’s health, their gender doesn’t.

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I have a close friend who is a midwife/doula & she has said many times one of the most important aspects of a home birth is knowing there **shouldn’t** be any complications w/the birth for either mother or child, which depends on good prenatal care.. Deciding to do a home birth w/no prenatal care or assistance is incredibly irresponsible & risky. NTA.. Edit:typo

These Redditors rallied behind the OP, calling the friend’s plan reckless while tossing in a few raised eyebrows at the non-binary healthcare excuse. Some urged tougher love, others suggested hidden issues like mistrust or fear. But do these fiery takes capture the full picture, or are they just adding fuel to the drama?

This story is a tangled knot of friendship, autonomy, and hard choices. The OP’s refusal to join an unassisted birth isn’t just about saying no—it’s about drawing a line where love meets logic. Their friend’s hurt feelings are real, but so are the risks of a birth without medical support. It’s a reminder that supporting someone doesn’t mean endorsing every choice. What would you do if you were in the OP’s shoes, caught between loyalty and safety? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

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