AITA for picking my mother of the groom dress before the mother of the bride?

The scent of wedding flowers filled a cozy suburban living room, but a storm brewed over dress etiquette. Susan, a 52-year-old mother of the groom, found herself in a subtle showdown with Diane, the bride’s mother, whose rigid traditions threatened the joy of her son’s spring wedding. Funding much of the celebration, Susan needed her dress chosen before her winter escape to a second home, a practical move to dodge last-minute chaos. Diane, however, clung to etiquette, insisting she pick her dress first, despite her own indecision stalling plans.

What started as a simple dress hunt spiraled into a clash of wills, with Diane’s vague color preferences and late demands stirring tension. Beneath the surface, it’s not just about fabric—it’s about navigating family pride and power under the glow of impending nuptials. Susan’s story, vivid with emotion, pulls us into the heart of wedding planning’s unspoken battles.

‘AITA for picking my mother of the groom dress before the mother of the bride?’

My (52F) son, Mark (27M) is getting married next spring. His fiance, Allie (26F), is great and very laid back and calm about the wedding and the details. My husband and I are paying for a lot of the wedding if that matters. Allie got her dress about 2 months ago so now it is her Mother's turn to pick a dress.

The thing is her Mother Diane (59) can be a bit difficult. I mentioned that I would like to start shopping for mine sooner rather than later because my husband and I spend the winter at our second home in another state. I would like to have the dress in and alterations done before we leave.

We do usually return for both Thanksgiving and again for Christmas but we are usually busy during this time and trying to fit in alterations could prove to be difficult. Her mother said she probably won't be picking out a dress until the fall at the earliest.

I had Diane and Allie over for lunch a few days later so we could plan a few of the details and again mentioned that I would like to start looking for dresses. Allie said no problem and we could go shopping the following weekend. Diane only said that it was proper etiquette for her to get her dress first.

I agreed and said she should come too. She refused and said she wants to wait. I asked her if she knew what color or style she wanted and she gave me a list of pretty much every color that would complement the bridesmaids' dresses. Allie asked her to pick 3 colors which she did.

Allie, my daughter, and I went shopping a few weeks ago and I found a great dress that is perfect for the wedding. I ordered it and everyone was happy. Diane called me this morning and said she found a dress and when she sent it to Allie, it was the same color as mine (not one of the 3 colors she picked) and that she would like me to pick a new dress.

I politely declined because the dress was expensive and not returnable. She then suggested I use it when my daughter gets married (she is not engaged or in a serious relationship so I have no idea if or when or what type of wedding she would have). I do not want to cause problems but I feel like I gave her the colors she wanted and the chance to buy her dress first, both of which she declined. So AITA for not following this etiquette.

Wedding planning often feels like navigating a minefield of traditions. Susan’s clash with Diane over dress etiquette reveals a deeper tug-of-war over control. Wedding planner Elaine Swann, an etiquette expert, notes, “There’s no strict rule mandating the mother of the bride chooses her dress first, but open communication prevents conflicts.” Susan tried this by inviting Diane to shop early, but Diane’s vague color list and delayed decisions fueled the drama.

The real issue isn’t dresses—it’s power. Diane’s demand that Susan change her dress, especially after picking the same color, hints at a need to assert dominance. Susan, funding much of the wedding, acted practically to secure her dress before winter travel. Diane’s etiquette claim seems more about insecurity than tradition, especially since she ignored Susan’s efforts to coordinate.

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Zooming out, wedding conflicts often stem from family expectations. Susan’s situation reflects modern realities: busy schedules make rigid rules outdated. Diane’s focus on “proper” order may mask unease about her role, given Susan’s financial stake. Swann advises prioritizing the couple’s happiness and finding compromises that respect both sides.

Susan’s choice to keep her non-returnable dress is fair, given Diane’s indecision. A compromise, like coordinating accessories to distinguish their looks, could ease tensions without sacrifice. This saga shows weddings test more than patience—they reveal how families navigate change.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

The Reddit crowd didn’t hold back, serving up a mix of sass and support for Susan’s dress dilemma. Here’s a peek at the community’s hot takes, brimming with candor and a dash of humor.

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PadawanJoone − NTA. I have never heard of the MOTB having to pick her dress before the MOTG. Also, it's not like she didn't know you wanted to go shopping for one already.

SweetPotatoFamished − NTA. I was unaware that there was an order for people buying their wedding attire. S**t, my bridesmaids all picked their dresses before I picked mine! Is there a rule that says the mothers can’t wear the same color? My mom passed when I was young, so I guess I never thought about it being important they don’t wear the same color.

Walktothebrook − NTA. Can you elaborate on the tradition of the mother of the bride picking her dress before grooms mother? I have never heard of such a custom.

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MungotheSquirrel − Good lord, NTA. This woman can be a little difficult, you say? No kidding. She's intentionally making this difficult. I'm planning a wedding now too, and it sounds like your future DIL and I feel similarly about it: these details aren't important.

Wear your dress. Her mother is also free to wear the dress she bought, if she wants. There will be relatively few pictures that contain both of you, and surely you'll be separated by at least a couple people. No one else will care even a little what you're wearing.

Avocadosarecool2000 − NTA and frankly, sounds like she is making up the BS of who gets first dibs. I will bet my second to last dollar that she deliberately chose the same color to make trouble. So long as the bride is chill with it, she can deal with her mother. And tbh, unless you two are going to dance arm in arm, you are going to be apart from each other and it will just look coordinated and pretty.

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shangib723 − I recently read a whole book on wedding etiquette and that was nowhere in there.. NTA

Nikkig-r − NTA and frankly I’ve never heard of this being a tradition. I feel like she is just trying to cause drama, especially since she decided not to go with the colors she told you she was going to pick from. I’ve honestly never heard of the mothers’ dresses being a big deal at all. I hope you rock that dress!

rishcast − NTA. My bet is this is a power play - she found out what color you were wearing and decided on a dress in that exact color. tell her to wear what she wants, but you've chosen your dress. alternatively, if you're feeling nice, tell her you'll buy something else as soon as she pays you for the first dress, since you can't return it

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RoyallyOakie − NTA...It sounds like you and Allie have a great rapport. You checked with her first and made every effort to help Diane along in the process. I suspect Diane is spouting all of her ridiculousness on purpose. Tell Diane to naff off and go ahead and enjoy your dress.

DeeDee-MayMay − NTA. I didn’t know of this “etiquette” around the mothers of dress shopping. It sounds like she picked her exact dress AFTER you had picked yours knowing what you had chosen. I’d say if the bride doesn’t seem too bothered then don’t stress, I’m sure you’ll look wonderful at your sons wedding!

These opinions are spicy, but do they capture the full picture? Reddit’s quick to call out drama, yet real-life weddings often need more nuance to keep everyone smiling.

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Susan’s dress saga reminds us that weddings, while joyous, can unearth hidden tensions over tradition and control. By prioritizing communication and practicality, she navigated a tricky situation with grace, though Diane’s reaction shows not everyone plays by the same rulebook. The real takeaway? Weddings are about love, not dress-color rivalries. What would you do if caught in a similar etiquette standoff? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

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