AITA for not welcoming my children back in my life after their stepfather abandoned them?

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Imagine a dad, heart heavy, navigating a family split across provinces—downtown Toronto to rural Alberta—after a tough but amicable divorce. He stayed connected, flying in for weeks to see his two daughters, footing bills for beds and trips, only to watch them drift away. Visits dwindled, names changed, and by 18, both went no-contact, even threatening police during a surprise drop-in. Years later, he’s built a new life—retired, with a wife and 13-year-old daughter—when the past knocks: the stepdad’s gone, and his girls want back in.

Hurt runs deep, and he’s shut the door, saying they made their bed. Is it cold to guard his peace, or fair after years of rejection? Reddit’s buzzing—some cheer his stance, others cry foul. Buckle up as we wade through this tangled tale of distance, decisions, and a dad’s dilemma!

‘AITA for not welcoming my children back in my life after their stepfather abandoned them?’

We got married when I was 20, but separated when her mother fell ill and she wanted to move to be within close proximity. My job wouldn't allow it, nor could I find a comparable job where she wanted to move. It was downtown Toronto to rural Alberta, it was an impossible situation.

We had joint custody and I paid child support but no alimony because my wife was a trust fund child. She also stood to inherit railroading money, so there's that as well. I usually paid for any larger things they needed like new beds, dressers, etc furnishing for the girls' rooms but also uniforms, trips, and so on.

We both remarried and my wife and I had a daughter ourselves. She's 13F now. I met the stepfather of my first two daughters and he seemed like a nice enough guy. We all kept in touch and of course I visited my children two or three times a year for weeks at a time.

I don't know what happened but they slowly became distant. My two or three visits a year I was told to cut down to one visit for a couple of days around Christmas. My kids just weren't interested in seeing me anymore for extended periods.

Then they decided to change their name, thankfully letting me know beforehand so I can vent my thoughts but ultimately they went with it. It's their life, I have no control over it, but I stressed how it hurts coupled with the reduced visit times.

Once the oldest was 18 she went no contact with me. Then when the younger was 18 the same thing happened. Removed from Facebook, changed numbers, and so on. I tried once to make an unannounced visit and they threatened to call the police, so I left.

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I want to stress I'm not leaving anything out here: I didn't do anything to warrant this, I don't know why they decided things would be this way. I figured this was the end and our relationships were severed.

I still had my new family, my daughter and wife, and we were doing okay. I decided to just leave my old life behind. I retired, I have a large estate which my 13F daughter stands to now inherit. The stepfather up and left four months ago and suddenly my ex-wife and two daughters want nothing more than to reconnect.

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I think it's awfully convenient timing. Both my daughter reached out to me and I denied them, saying it's been over five years of a strained relationship at no fault of my own; they made their bed and now they need to sleep in it. Am I the a**hole?

This family saga’s a gut-punch—years of effort met with silence, and now a sudden plea to reconnect. Our dad’s wounded, feeling tossed aside, yet the timing of their return raises eyebrows. Did he bolt too fast from a second chance?

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The rift grew from distance—geographic and emotional. He tried—visits, support—but teens often pull back, and a stepdad’s presence might’ve shifted loyalties. His pain’s real; their rejection stung. Family therapist Dr. John Gottman notes, “Rebuilding trust requires both sides to own their part—patience and curiosity are key” (source). Was the no-contact their call, or a stepdad’s shadow?

This echoes a wider issue: fractured families post-divorce. A 2022 Statistics Canada report shows 40% of divorced parents face reduced child contact, often tied to distance or new dynamics (source). Hurt fueled his shutdown, but a crack might remain.

Dr. Gottman suggests a start: listen. Hear their story—abuse, control, or just youth? A coffee chat, no promises, could test the waters.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit’s rolled in like a storm—some slap “YTA” for a cold shoulder, others wave “NTA” for self-protection! Here are hot takes from the crowd—raw, real, and a dash cheeky. Is he dodging a trap, or missing a mend? Grab a snack and peek at these!

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PepperPhoenix − NTA I totally get why you're hurt. However, it might be worth hearing them out, cutting you off might not have been their choice. The stepdad could have been abusive/controlling, and now he's gone they may feel they can finally reach out safely.

Letsgo_321 − YTA for probably leaving out a whole lot of context.

[Reddit User] − YTA.. You are their father.. You may not see it this way, but you traded your family for your job in the initial divorce.. You paid your child support obligation but only saw them *two or three times a year.*

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You started a new family around the same time these ladies became legal adults-- a time when interactions with parents dwindle whether you're the primary caregiver or not. Young people are simply more concerned with their own drama than their older, stable family members.

You have weird details in here that are not explained enough. The threat of a police call? Deciding 'just to leave your old life behind?' You're leaving things out and it suggests to me that you're at fault and looking for a justification to end these relationships to simplify your own life and not be held accountable for past mistakes.

ChewedandDigested − YTA.. I would say ESH but you’re by far the biggest a**hole in this situation. Let’s start from the beginning. You divorce your wife, the mother of your children, because she needs to move across the country to take care of her sick mother and you don’t want to go.

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This is literally what marriage is. You make sacrifices and support each other and deal with the tough times together. You take a s**t job for a year to get by. Instead, you abandoned your family. You abandoned your 4 YEAR OLD CHILD.

You paid child support and visited 3 times a year? Big woop. That’s not being a father. And at that point, the children don’t know you anymore anyway. Why should or would they want to spend a strained week with a man they barely know who abandoned them?

And now you’ve got a second chance. But instead you’re going to be petty and vindictive and hold a grudge. Real parents recognize that children’s decision making and emotional control abilities are still developing, well in to their early twenties

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and real parents forgive their children for the hurtful things they do and say as they grow because real parents have unconditional love for their kids. These children didn’t m**der or rape someone.

They didn’t blow up your life. They’re not on drugs or in jail. They’re just normal young adults who are learning to deal with the fact that every father they’ve ever known has left them. But poor you, your feelings are hurt.. Grow up

Ladyughsalot1 − YTA You were an absent father. You did not make much effort. 2-3 times a year? It’s Canada. You could afford more visits. And chances are you made yourself scarce and that distance grew when you started a new family. I have a feeling your daughters have a very different story as to how they felt they were prioritized by you.

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[Reddit User] − YTA They changed their name to a man who was actually there for them, not there a few times a year (I have *never* understood parents who don't live near their children. As unfair as it might have been for your ex to move away, **you chose** not to follow and to only see your kids a few times a year).

And now you're being a petulant child.. I didn't do anything to warrant this I didn't do anything to warrant this except barely be in their lives and my personality was totally different then so I am sure I wasn't acting like a petulant child with them at all.

over five years of a strained relationship at no fault of my own. Good lord, why *do* they want to reconnect with you? Do they not have random men on the street?. You're an a**hole.

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Silent-Return − For more info since assumptions have been made in many comments: the separation was amicable. My job is very technical and I was in a prime location. I chose to stay because my employability in rural Alberta is next to nothing and remote work isn't really a thing. I guess I could have commuted 3hr every day each way to a metropolitan area but I didn't.

We both agreed it was the best course of action as I still saw my daughters anywhere from 8-10wk of the year in visits to them and 2-3wk of the year with them visiting me. And I maintained a somewhat senior position at work which afforded ample time off and ample pay.

Keep in mind my salary was not just for myself, but also my daughters and ex-wife if she ever needed help. Was it enough? No. I would have loved to live with them and be with them all the time, but I had to deal with the hand I was dealt.

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Northern-lurker1 − YTA they are young and made decisions that were possibly encouraged by your ex. They are your children, give them a chance. You may regret this later, ask your self is it worth it? Or are you cutting off your nose to spite your face?

gabsthenerd − Yta. There's definitely more to this story. Your ex you don't have to like. But your an ass by abandoning your kids.

Horror-mrs − Info aren’t you even curious why they cut you off because I’d have to ask

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These are popular opinions on Reddit, but do they stick? Maybe a hidden story lingers, or a quick chat could flip the script. One thing’s sure: this family’s got baggage to unpack!

This tale of distance, drift, and a dad’s tough call leaves us pondering. Rejection cut deep, and the stepdad’s exit smells fishy—our guy’s skepticism makes sense, yet a sliver of hope might linger. A cautious step—listening, not leaping—could shift the tide, or he’s wise to shield his new life. Time heals, but only if both sides try. What would you do if kids ghosted you, then knocked again? Drop your thoughts—have you faced a family fallout or found a way back?

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