AITA for not wanting to quit my job/study to look after my baby full time?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Picture a late-night study session, a pregnant woman hunched over her Bioscience thesis, her mind racing with dreams of a PhD. Then, her partner drops a bombshell: quit your job and studies to be a full-time mom. Caught off guard by an unplanned pregnancy at seven months, she’s already agreed to ditch her low-paying job but draws the line at her master’s degree. His insistence, blaming “baby hormones,” has turned their home into a battleground of clashing priorities.

This story is a raw look at love, ambition, and the weight of impending parenthood. Her partner, shaped by a tough foster care past, pushes for traditional roles, while she fights to keep her career on track. With funding and contacts at stake, pausing her studies could derail her future. Reddit’s buzzing with takes—does her ambition make her selfish, or is her partner’s pressure unfair? Let’s dive in.

‘AITA for not wanting to quit my job/study to look after my baby full time?’

I've been with my partner for 5 years, this was an unplanned pregnancy and I only found out I was pregnant a month ago(I'm now 7 months pregnant 😬), I was on birth control and actually had 2 pregnancy tests come back negative(one was too early in the pregnancy and the other was because of the hook effect).

As an added bonus my partner and I never expected to be able to have kids naturally as he had cancer a couple of years ago and during treatment he collected and stored sperm that he was told were very poor quality plus I have a big family history or cervical cancer and was supposed to have surgery to remove 2 precancerous lesions a week ago and prep for that surgery was how I found out I was pregnant.

Now. Obviously it's way to late for an a**rtion and my partner grew up in the foster/adoption system and got treated like s**t so that's not an option either. We've agreed to raise the baby together but over the last couple of days he's repeatedly brought up how I should quit my job and study so I can focus on the baby when he arrives.

In theory this would be fine, my partner makes enough money to support us and my part time job pays absolute s**t so I had initially agreed to drop my job but not my study. I'm in the middle of writing my masters thesis is Bioscience and if I put it down for a couple of years the likelihood is that my contacts would no longer be available for research work.

Not to mention that I was planning on starting my PhD straight after I finish as it will be a direct extension of my masters study and I already have conditional funding for my research that I will lose if I put the project on hold.  My study is really important to me and I feel like by giving up my job I'm losing a bit of my independence so I dont want to lose this too.

We've now had several huge fights because my partner says I'll be neglecting the baby in favor of my research which I have no intention of doing. Hes chalking up my resistance to 'baby hormones' and I want to check that I'm not TA here?

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This woman’s fight to keep her studies amid pressure to prioritize motherhood is a classic clash of identity and expectation. Dr. Jessica Zucker, a psychologist specializing in women’s reproductive health, writes on Dr. Jessica Zucker that “new mothers often face societal pressure to sacrifice personal goals, which can undermine mental health.” Her partner’s dismissal of her resistance as “hormones” ignores her valid need to maintain her career and independence.

This reflects a broader issue: gendered expectations in parenting. A 2022 study from the Pew Research Center found 60% of mothers face pressure to prioritize family over career, compared to 36% of fathers. Her partner’s insistence that she quit her studies, while he continues working, perpetuates this imbalance. Her willingness to drop her job shows compromise, but pausing her thesis risks losing funding and connections critical to her field.

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Dr. Zucker advises, “Couples must negotiate parenting roles as equals to avoid resentment.” She could propose a shared caregiving plan, like daycare or staggered schedules, to balance her studies and motherhood. Couples counseling could help her partner see her career as vital to their family’s future, especially given his health history. For others in similar binds, daycare or part-time nannies can support career goals while ensuring quality care.

Her determination to preserve her dreams isn’t neglect—it’s a commitment to being a fulfilled parent. Open dialogue and creative solutions can align their goals for a stronger partnership.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Reddit dove into this parenting drama like it’s a heated lab debate, tossing out support and sharp insights with a dash of fire. It’s like they’re all huddled around a microscope, analyzing who’s got the stronger case. Here’s the unfiltered buzz from the crowd:

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Apprehensive_Sand_77 − NTA.. Turn it around and ask HIM how does HE feel about neglecting the baby for his career. You can do both. It can be hard, and you’re gonna need a supportive partner. But he needs to understand that you don’t stop being a person just because you become a mother.

That’s an ADDED role, not a replacement one.. EDIT: a word.. EDIT 2: WOW. Thanks for the awards. EDIT 2.1: To clarify because it seems to have been misunderstood, I’m not implying he’s neglecting the baby for working or that he should stop working.

I’m just saying that OP’s partner is assuming having a baby and having other responsibilities such as work and/or study are incompatible and result in n**lect.. in the case of the mom. Sadly, working moms (my mom, my beloved friends, and so on) constantly get questioned on whether or not they can be good mothers because they work.

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I personally have NEVER seen someone ask the same question to a working father. Not even once, and I have many many MANY working fathers in my life. THAT is what my “turn it around” refers to: is OP is a neglectfing mother BECAUSE she works and or study, where does that leave his partner, the other person in charge of raising this child?

genericname907 − NTA- but boy he sure is. There is absolutely no reason for you to give up your studies- your thesis might take longer because you will be caring for your child, but I have had many friends finish their graduate degrees while caring for infants. The fact that he is asking you to give up your goals is really disturbing.

stallion8426 − NTA. Adoption is an option. I understand your partner's concern but this early you would probably have adoptive parents for it before it's born so it would never need to go into the foster system.

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That being said do not give up your life to be a stay at home mom unless that's something you are 1000% gung-ho for, which it doesn't sound like you are. You'll just end up resenting the baby and it's going to cause a ton of problem.

Magiclily2020 − NTA. You are not married, everything you do that will prevent you from earning a liveable wage will s**ew you up financially in the long run. An independent happy parent, is a good parent.

[Reddit User] − NTA. Tell him if he wants a caregiver at home full time so the baby isn't 'neglected,' he can quit his own job and take care of his baby. I'm worried about the bigger picture though. Coercing and trying to manipulate someone to quit their studies is really wrong.

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It's also dangerous--you shouldn't be home all day with a baby when you don't want to be and are forced to be; it's a recipe for serious depression at the very least. If he doesn't like the idea of the baby in daycare, he can also hire a vetted nanny who would watch the baby at home. Whatever you do, it has to be \*both\* your decisions. He can't demand of \*you\* to sacrifice your own studies, while his own work is unaffected.

Silvalirum − INFO: the way you write about a**rtion and adoption not an option... Are you really prepared and do you want a kid with this man? I'm not judging just asking because you have so many plans you don't want to give up and your partner is gaslighting you on top of everything. (the hormones thing).

You sound like you have your own and understandable doubts but is this really something you ant for yourself? Don't think about your partner for the moment and just ask yourself what do you want for yourself in the future and how you will achieve this with a kid and a not really supportive sounding bf.

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Purple_Elderberry_20 − OP finish your schooling. Ask him what if his cancer returns and his is unable to work or a complication from his previous treatment surfaces?  Where would your family be if this happened say 5 years from now?

You'd have a kid about to hit kindergarten a mother whose studies are incomplete and who will probably have to play catch up to end up making a decent wage, and a husband now forced to be the stay at home parent.

You not finishing your studies ASAP will be detrimental to your family as a whole if anything happened to your fiancee, even something as mundane as being fired would have horrible effects.. It's not safe anymore to not finish your studies.

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I was a single mom, I was pregnant when I started my college career over a decade ago, I still haven't finished due to putting my studies aside for my kids (lack of drive and direction didn't help). My husband is frustrated I didn't continue my studies.

I'm having a hard time restarting them slightly more than 3 years after my last class, you could be in the same boat or worse. I was not entering a constantly changing field, you are in one. To stop your education now would mean an end to that major, most likely.

Are YOU willing to give up the hard choices and late nights you had to get where you are? Honestly they were training you for the hardest job yet, parent hood while pursuing a degree. It can be done and it has been done.. NTA but you and he need counseling.

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teresajs − NTA. You would not be neglecting your child by working/studying than he would be neglecting the child by doing his work. Also, you should seriously consider continuing to work and study so you can maintain your financial independence. Your partner is demonstrating some controlling behaviour. It would be a risky decision to become overly dependent on him for finances.

Sunshineandlolipop − You can find a family that wants to adopt a baby that will love that child. Having a baby you DON’T want just because your SO had a s**tty time in the system makes you an AH. Let me make this clear. If you choose to keep this baby, you BOTH owe it to that child to give it the absolute best, and happiest, life possible.

It isn’t choosing to be born. YOU chose to have s**, knowing the risk of BC failing. YOU are choosing not to find a good family for this baby, but rather to keep it.. ESH. You’re both adults. It’s time to figure your s**t out.

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coconutshave − NTA— having a mom who is independent and can care for kiddo even if dad leaves is a great protection for a child. There are quality day cares and I’m sure there’s a lot of your program that can be done from home, and I bet you and husband can stagger your hours.

Lots of moms are keeping kids home now and realizing the advantages of a good day care. Kids who go to licensed day cares statistically do have better outcomes. Don’t throw your career away. Lots of families pull through this. Day care is not the same as foster care.

Redditors rally behind her ambition, calling out her partner’s controlling stance, though some question her readiness for motherhood. Their takes are bold, but do they capture the full complexity of this unexpected pregnancy, or are they just fueling the fight? This story’s got everyone talking.

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This woman’s stand to protect her Bioscience dreams amidst an unplanned pregnancy is a fierce testament to her identity. Her partner’s push for her to prioritize motherhood over everything else sparks a vital question about fairness in parenting roles. It’s a reminder that new parents need teamwork, not ultimatums, to thrive. How would you balance career dreams and a surprise baby—compromise or stand firm? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

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